Eggs and Glow worms

I am exhausted and overwhelmed. Worse yet, I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. There is so much to do and all of it centers around me having cancer and being sick, yet I don't feel sick.

Yesterday was the most insane day in this process so far. The phone never stopped ringing. According to my mom, neither did hers. The phone calls from friends and family were the fun part. I wish I was able to talk to everyone this much under normal (better) circumstances. I am overwhelmed by how many people care and want to help. (and as much as we hate it, we are going to need help)

There were multiple phone calls from the hospital to verify the instructions for the tests I had today. These included don't eat or drink anything for 6 hours before your PET scan which is scheduled at 10 am, but the scan itself doesn't start until around 11 am. Also don't eat or drink for 2-3 hours before your 3:30 pm MRI, which doesn't start until 4pm. Oh, but you might be able to get your MRI early if you come right after your PET scan. In other words, don't eat or drink all day.

One of the people calling tried to give me very detailed and specific directions starting from the parking ramp. In an attempt to  keep things moving I told this person that I knew my way around the hospital pretty well and that my NP had already told me where the PET scanner was. She asked me a few more questions and I admitted that I had recently left UW. This launched into a conversation about where in the hospital I had worked and did I know a specific surgeon. When I admitted I did, the conversation evolved into a 10 minute discussion about this surgeon's departure from the hospital and what a sad day it was for UW (I am going to remain neutral on this statement but guess that some of my former co-workers might disagree. I should note the person making this statement met said  surgeon once).

I also received many phone calls from my NP. (please note: I am NOT complaining about this! She IS wonderful and I am so lucky to have her!!!) Initially she called to tell me that a lab test was being added to my Thursday schedule to rule out the possibility that my cancer was actually chorionic cancer. She stated that it was highly unlikely (as in 1:1000), but it would change all the treatment plans so it was best to make sure. I asked her a barrage of questions some related to the possibility of chorionic cancer but many not.

One of the questions I asked her was about harvesting my eggs. This was suggested by one of my aunts about an hour before. I never thought of it myself, but it seemed like a good question to ask. My NP told me she had actually thought of it at one point too, but it hadn't come up but she would be happy to look into it for me. She had to talk with oncology to see if it was a possibility with them. It would mean pushing my surgery back, so it really comes down to the tests I had today, but they said they would allow up to a month. 2-3 months is definitely out. She had to talk to Endocrinology to see if it was a possibility with them. They had to see if they even had a lab open before they would consider anything else. Then when they found out they did, they considered my case, but brought up multiple difficulties including cost. I have to insert here that I NEVER even thought through this idea. I had no idea that it was going to mean so much extra work for her. She kept me up-to-date all day long, was very supportive, even as it looked like it wasn't going to be a possibility. Then she called me back as she was leaving for the day and said she had talked with Endocrinologist/Fertility MD's (yes, plural) again and they didn't hadn't understood the whole scenario. Apparently once they found out that I have a husband and the cancer saga, we had options. Furthermore, due to the specifics of my situation there are potentially grants to cover the costs. So Friday morning (really this morning now) we have a 7:15 appointment at the fertility clinic.

Neither of us knows what to think about all this. We've had two children on our own without any issues. We've never considered or discussed fertility treatments, much less embryo transfer. We are both going into this meeting with mixed feelings, yet we know this is our only and last chance to have another child together. We want to find out the facts, find out if it is really a possibility, what the process is and weight all the information against the results of the tests I had today to see if it justifies potentially waiting a little longer.

By the end of the day I was completely overwhelmed. Fortunately I was able to take some time to myself and go riding with a good friend of mine from the stable.

Today...It was crazy! Lab kept me until nearly 10am when I was supposed to be at PET scan. The radiologist for the PET scan almost didn't let me do the scan when he found out I was nursing. My NP had informed them when she scheduled the appointment and specifically asked about pumping and dumping. Unfortunately whoever scheduled the appointment didn't tell her that I was supposed to bring my pump with me. According to the radiologist the radioactive material they inject in me has a tendency to pool in the breasts of nursing mothers. This isn't just back for their results it is also bad for the breasts since they are being exposed to excessive radiation.

I had to call Geoff as they were injecting the dye and have him leave work to go home and get my pump. He had to promise to be back to the hospital within an hour with my pump so I could use it directly before and directly after my scan. In the meantime I had my 45 minutes-1 hour (there was no clock so I have no idea how long I really sat) where I was not allowed to do anything while I let the radioactive material absorb. I was anxious and worried about Geoff making it back on time and the possibility of having to be exposed to this crap another time, so I didn't enjoy the time like I had hoped I would. Fortunately, Geoff saved the day. I had the PET scan and made a day of pumping radioactive breastmilk. (Sidenote: according to them I can use the radioactive breastmilk after I let it sit for 24 hours, or 10 2 hour half-lives...I'm not sure we will be doing this).

After the PET I checked in for my MRI. I was still a few hours early but starving so I asked about the no eating rule. They told me that in case I had a reaction to the contrast but I could have something light. I may have pushed the something light more into a full lunch. It was glorious. I bumped into someone I know and spent most of my free time talking with him. Then I had my MRI which was not glorious and headed home.

A few things I learned today about scans:
1. They are uncomfortable.
2. NEVER let the technicians pick the music! It's either depressing elevator music or twangy country. Neither of which I could ignore.
3. Always ask for a blanket.
4. Keep your eyes closed! I am not claustrophobic but I teetered on the edge of it today.

It was odd spending an entire day at the hospital and not getting paid for it. When I finally got home I was lucky to get a few minutes with my mom and god-mother, but then the really sucky part of my day began....Ella. I am essentially a glow worm right now and still emitting radioactive material. I'm not supposed to nurse for 24 hours or spend long periods of time hugging, snuggling or holding my children. This is not how I normally function and Ella doesn't understand. She has spent most of the evening screaming "MAMA!" and holding her arms out to me. If I touch her she wants to nurse and fall asleep against me. In the end, I had to go to a different level of the house while Geoff held her until she screamed herself to sleep.

This is going to be the hardest part for me. I can do the surgery. I can do the chemo. The problem is, chemo means no more nursing (for awhile anyway...) and the surgery means I can't pick up my kiddos (for awhile). These are what I don't know how I am going to get through.