Juxtaposition

Today was a day of physical and emotional juxtaposition. Since I'm tired and don't totally feel like reliving it right now,  I decided I would make the day into a list of the top 10 good things and the top 10 bad things. You can decide what you think about my glass being half empty or half full for yourself.

Top 10 Good (not in any particular order):

"The Chemo"

1. The book mentioned yesterday is hilarious
2. I found out I get a TWO week break from pelvic exams (yay! seriously, I never expected I would have to be excited about this)
3. I got to have a day off with just Geoff
4. We were done at the hospital by noon
5. Both of the kiddos were extra cuddly tonight and the dogs were exhausted
6. Radiation treatments themselves are fine (note: this statement does not mention anything about potential side effects)...AND I didn't have to have Lasix with my chemo
7. More mail and more care packages make us feel ridiculously loved
8. I started the process of killing my cancer!!!
9. I survived today with overall positive/happy attitude
10. I realized that if my mass is about 5 cm at it's largest dimension which corresponds roughly to a 9 week fetus. From this I decided I could rationalize this as an explanation for the few people that have asked me if I'm pregnant (probably not, but don't tell me otherwise)...AND that maybe killing this mass will help kill the chronic postpartum (sometimes pregnant) look I think I have

 Top 10 Bad (no particular order):

1. This morning was the last time I may ever breastfeed Ella. (well, to be even more specific, it may have been my last time breastfeeding period)
2. We started the day by forgetting E's shoes so Geoff had to drop me off at the hospital, drive home to get the shoes, drop the dogs off, drop the kids off, and then come back to the hospital...He arrived just after I got checked in for my chemo treatment

Right before I left for the hospital.

3. When taking the dressing off my port to put numbing cream on the incision, the steri-strips pulled away and part of my incision popped open. This started a small blood bath that headed directly for my white shirt (I know I kind of deserved it wearing white and all). Thank goodness however, that I had a stash of tegaderm to slap over it and reinforce it with. Then I quickly headed to chemo so they could clean up the mess (they have all the sterile supplies, I didn't)
4. The anti-nausea meds that I have with my chemo treatments knock me out cold. I am officially a lightweight. I slept through most of my treatment and much of the afternoon. (This is actually not totally bad...They were great naps, but Geoff had brought games and stuff to do and I was looking forward to this time with him).
5. I won't have the same chemo nurse next week because she has next Tuesday off (but all the other chemo nurses we met seemed great too)
6. Despite the anti-nausea meds I still had some lingering nausea. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't so great either.

It cleaned up pretty well.

7. Our scheduled dinner never showed up. (I'm sure there was a good reason)
8. It's 12:30 am and I have to be back at the hospital by 7:15 am for today's radiation treatment.
9. I didn't have to have lasix because I was able to meet my "output goal" within maybe 5 minutes of starting the actual chemo treatment (this was the good part...the bad part is the next sentence). I continued to meet this "output goal" many more times over the next few hours
10. We picked E from daycare and headed straight to urgent care. He has been sick for a few weeks now and he seems to be getting worse rather than better. Early last week our pediatrician diagnosed him with hand, foot, and mouth disease (really a virus). On the way home from Iowa on the weekend we made a stop and I looked in his mouth to see what looked a lot like strep to me. In addition he is coughing until he throws up. Argh! Anyway, consensus was yes, hand, foot, and mouth disease, a right ear infection, probable strep, and probable whooping cough. WTH? Poor kid...We were offered diagnostic tests for the strep and whooping cough but we decided to forgo torturing him since we knew when we went to urgent care were headed for antibiotics anyway (that's how it works...urgent care=antibiotics...always). He also had a dose of oral steroids-which I give full credit for him eating dinner tonight. I feel terrible for the kid and I feel even worse because I knew he wasn't feeling well but he was sitting right at that cusp of should we do more or give him more time...Hindsight may be 20/20 but I feel crappy that we didn't revisit our pediatrician or push the issue more

Juxtaposition Bonus:
I found out that just one of my 4 home anti-nausea meds costs $100/pill (we did not inquire as to cost of the others). Thank god we now have a plan with a "higher" deductible (I say it this way b/c we have a flex plan that covers this deductible. In all honesty, it took less a month of all of this to meet that deductible) so we paid nothing. I feel really crappy for the people with 80/20 plans or other crummy insurance (or no insurance for that matter).