At a loss for words...

Most nights I have an idea what I want to write about, but not so much tonight. It's not that I don't have anything to say or that I don't have anything on my mind...If anything it's the opposite. I have too many thoughts.

I'm not looking forward to chemo tomorrow. I can deal with radiation. Tomorrow will mark a full week of going to daily radiation and it seems like it has become routine. I know the people I will see, and they know enough about to me to have a semi-personal conversation. They know how old my kids are. They know where I work and what I do. They know I'm currently not working because of all of this. They know I'm in midwifery school. Radiation treatments are quick, and dare I see, almost comfortable.

Chemo on the other hand, sucks. I get to have Geoff with me, but that's about it. I know that I am going to have to have my port accessed which eventually will be fine, but it is still really sore. I'm allergic to the dressings they used so my skin is broken out and even blistered in some areas. The areas around the port are bruised and yellow. Even though I know it's barely a prick, the idea that someone will touch my port site and put a dressing on it makes me cringe.

Then, I know that I will get a minimum of 2 and half liters of IV fluids over a few short hours. Let me just say, that I am sorry to all of my patients that I have ever done this to, because it sucks. To make matters worse, I have to take 3 types of anti-nausea meds all which knock me out cold. The whole being tired and sleeping thing isn't so bad except when you are completely groggy and you have to go to the bathroom like never before and you are attached to an IV and have to maneuver down the hall to the bathroom. Oh and don't forget, they have to measure my urine to know that I am actually urinating enough. If I don't, then I have to have Lasix (a drug that helps you shed the excessive fluids).

It sounds like I'm complaining and probably I am, but that's not my intention. It's just that a week ago I felt completely fine. I knew I had cancer, but I didn't feel it. Now I know that I'm going to feel it again tomorrow and the rest of this week. There is still some unknown to each treatment, but after last week I have an idea how I'm going to feel. No one likes feeling like crap and I know that's exactly where I'm headed.

That's one of the most difficult things for me to process. One day I feel fine and the next I don't. One day I can do whatever I want and the next I feel like I'm a 90 year old in a 35 year old body. I know that eventually I will feel better. I mean that's why I'm doing all this, right? but it's hard to just ignore how crummy all this makes me feel.

I guess I just  have to keep telling myself that after tomorrow I will have 2 chemo days down and 4 to go, and remind myself that this will be over in no time. (and try to not think about the fact that I have no idea what is going to happen next...argh!)