Help

I'm crying as I begin to write this because I don't know exactly what to say or how to say it, just that I need to say it. I hate asking for help. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm the kind of person that wants to push through no matter what and keeps stubbornly telling myself that it is better if I just do it myself.

I relate it to the concept of extra credit in school growing up. Everyone likes extra credit. To me extra credit is all those offers of love, support and help that I don't have to solicit. On the other hand, if I ask for help it is only partial credit. I don't like the term partial credit it makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough or in this case, I would rather be prideful and see what I can do on my own instead of asking for help.

It would be a lot easier to spend this entire blog post writing about my feelings about extra credit and partial credit instead of actually getting to the point. Everyone keeps telling me to let them know how they can help or if they can help. I always say "oh, of course" meanwhile I think to myself I'm never actually going to ask for help. This is where I prove myself wrong.

We need help. I don't have the energy to work enough hours and make enough to pay our bills. We are scaling them back aggressively, I promise...today we are giving up cable tv (we might keep the very basic cable so our tvs work, but that's it) and our gym membership, but the benefits of the cuts take awhile to kick in. We held out on the cable tv because it helps when I'm feeling really crummy. It helps distract me and it helps with the kids for a little bit, but in reality, we have realized that we can do netflix for a lot less in the long run (note: we have not signed up for netflix at this time).

I feel extreme guilt about school. I have had a lot of people question why I don't just give up school and I'm sure it doesn't make sense to many others. I know I shouldn't have to explain myself, but I'm going to briefly. I am almost done. I have done all the classes. I have a paper to write for a non-clinical class and then clinical work. I have over 300 hours towards my required 675 clinical hours. This is my dream. This is so important to me. There is more that I can't explain here like how the entire time I have done this program it has been a struggle with my own mortality and strength, or how much all of my family has given up to support me. I've had endless discussions about this topic with Geoff and my parents and my friends and the decision is always the same...I need this. I need to do this. Even if I am going to die, I want to die knowing that I finished my Midwifery degree. That I made it. That I have my masters degree and that I wasn't a quitter. I'll go so far as to say this is one of my dying wishes. It about so much  more than me. It's about what I believe in and what I want to be in my kid's eyes. It's about the example I want to set for them.

That being said, I have currently given one day a week to clinicals and two to work, and another to chemo. It's a full week. I'm on call all the time when I'm not at chemo or work and I plan to pick up as many hours as I can handle with the UW Midwives. I've realized that I'm struggling with energy and I'm scared knowing that we are going into fall and winter where the days are light shorter and much colder. The cold doesn't work well with all the chemo in my body. In fact, it directly affects my energy.

I've decided in the last week that it is time to give up my pride to social security disability. I absolutely hate this, but it is what it is there for. I have someone helping me figure out all the work to file it, but even so it will take months to process it all. Hopefully, once it is all done that will be enough to make up the difference we need, but for right now every day is a struggle.

Yesterday I was thrilled because I could pay our mortgage for September. On the last day of the month. We used to have it scheduled on the first. It's so hard for me to admit just that. Then to admit that today we had a phone call telling us that our cell phones were about to be disconnected because we hadn't paid our bill yet, so we scheduled a payment for our next payday, but we aren't sure it will be enough. Meanwhile I'm driving around with expired license plate tabs and I think as of today Geoff might be too. I'm not reveling in the fact that I'm breaking the law, instead I'm freaking out every time I see a police car because I'm sure that this time I'm going to get a ticket that I can't afford and is just going to set me that much further back from paying for my tabs. Geoff actually got pulled over on the way to pick me up from the airport (when I came back from CA) and got a verbal warning for the tabs and a tail light that was out...the police officer said the combined ticket would be $300.+ It makes me cry to just think about it.

There are so many other things...I need to pay utilities and the farrier for Aggie. We are constantly juggling money to pay for daycare so I can work, finish school, and go to chemo. I don't know how other people do this. Or maybe it's that we've had to do this so long. We've had a lot of extra credit help along the way, and it's always been enough...but as of this past weekend it was a year anniversary from when I finished chemo the first time.

I hate that this is what my life has become. I miss the days of signing my kids up for fancy extra Little Gym classes. I can't even buy the required sleeping bag that Ephraim needs for naptime at preschool now. We put up a good front though or so we try.

This post is the true reality. Cancer is humiliating in so many ways. This is just another way. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about how unfair this is. That above all the other losses from cancer that I have to give up any sense of financial security or any fun money to have a carefree day with my kids. Honestly, it's bullshit! Excuse my language, but it's true.

So here is how you can help...

target, grocery store, gas gift cards-any amount
subway, jimmy johns, chipotle gift cards-any amount
send a check...even $5 is greatly appreciated
set up a fundraiser...a pancake breakfast, another giveforward account, whatever, I don't care...
anything else you want to do...

I'm not going to post anything like this ever again...It's too hard and takes too much from me. I can't even begin to imagine other people's reactions...all I envision is everyone thinking I'm being greedy or irresponsible and I don't even have words for how horrible it makes me feel.

I'm trusting that my vision isn't reality and that people aren't laughing at our misfortune, but I can't explain how hard it is to come out and actually admit that we need help, badly.