Sad

I was supposed to graduate today.

Last November when I had a week to decide on a hysterectomy during the hardest term of college in my life I knew that plan was in serious jeopardy. I ended up having to take the rest of the term off and repeat the classes, which meant it wasn't going to be possible. I was split from my study buddy who I did everything with since we were forced together on one of our first group projects (there were many) of our program.

Being split up and being the one left behind was hard. Being the one not at graduation was harder. Next year will be great! I have other friends that will be there and that will be wonderful, but I'm still bummed.

Don't get me wrong I'm so proud of all my friends who graduated with their CNM (certified nurse midwife) and FNP (family nurse practitioner) degrees today. I guess I'm just having a little pity party because I so wanted to be with them so badly.

Our school is based out a tiny little town in the south eastern corner of Kentucky. It is built into a mountainside and is the center of an amazing and rich history. There is something magical about Hyden, KY. I can't explain it and honestly, if I hadn't been there myself I wouldn't believe anyone else, but it's true. There is something healing about it for me and I just wish I was there "circling up" (a tradition with my school) with my friends, well, family actually.

I guess I should tell you a little about the history of my beloved Frontier Nursing University.

 

It all began with a woman named Mary Breckinridge who was born into a wealthy family. After marriage and the loss of her two beloved children and finally a divorce, she decided to travel to England to train to be a nurse midwife. After her training she moved back to Appalachia and used her knowledge to start the Frontier Nursing Service.

This was a group of midwives that would literally go out on horseback to serve the poor and under-served women and families of Appalachia. These women had some of the poorest perinatal statistics in the US and the work of the Mary Breckinridge and the Frontier Nursing Service changed everything.

An article about the Frontier Nursing Service in the June 14, 1937 issue of LIFE magazine (I have my own copy if you ever want to read it)

Letters to Mary Breckinridge from Queen Elizabeth the 2nd

They kept impeccable records and statistics. As I mentioned before they served the women and families and began the concept of family nurse practitioners. They would bring vaccines for the entire family with the recognition that if they really wanted to help moms and babes they needed to treat the entire family.

The Frontier Nursing Service spawned the Frontier Graduate School which 30 years later became Frontier School of Midwifery and Family Nursing and sometime in the past 2 years while I was a student eventually became Frontier Nursing University.

The program like many nurse-midwifery programs these days is a distance taught program. We are required to go to an orientation session before starting classes called "Frontier Bound" and another before starting our clinical orientation called "Clinical Bound." Frontier Bound is essentially a 3 day orientation and bonding session and Clinical Bound is a week-long intensive do or die learning session with a lot of blood, sweat, and tears and bonding. Some of the people that I went to Frontier Bound with I also went to Clinical Bound with, but honestly I have met a lot of Frontier sisters (and a few brothers too...but not midwives) through my journey and I have made innumerable friends.

I can't explain the bond I have with these friends. Some of them are as close to me as my best friends that I have had for years. I can talk about anything with them and talk about nothing with them. We've considered moving to different states to live together and work together. Last year when I finished chemo the first time, the weekend of Geoff and my 5th wedding anniversary, my study buddy and her husband drove from Indianapolis to celebrate with us (btw our husbands had never met before this).

This same friend and I met in Illinois this past May to drive together to Nashville for a midwifery conference. We stayed in a VRBO (vacation rental by owner) mansion that another FNU sister found and arranged the rental of. There were 14 of us and it will go down in history as the best slumber party EVER!!!

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I told my FNU sisters before I was able to get ahold of Geoff. When I have had recurrences I've looked to them for support before telling the rest of the world. Even last week when I had the lung scare, I put a message out for support before getting my CT scan and before I had my scan I had nearly a hundred messages of support.

We are a sisterhood. I am a part of something I have never had before. I know I am loved. They commissioned a piece of art for me. For me!!! It arrived the same week as I went to Surf Camp last month.

It is symbolic of support and healing. It has been titled "Circling Up." The banyon tree is the symbol of our school and the branches in this piece of art are supposed to symbolize the support I am getting from my friends and family. The stone below me is my rock, Geoff, and the two vines connecting us are E and Ella. The posture of me is symbolic of me in a fetal position and growth, healing, and rebirth as I reflect on my own mortality. The henna on my hands and belly is a blessing of safe passage through this time..

The piece itself is stunning. The idea it was created just for me blows my mind. The thought that went into it is even more mind blowing.

In reality I just wanted the opportunity to be with my sisters this weekend and frankly again, next year. It's been a bittersweet day for me as I watch with the pictures on my Facebook feed. I'm so happy for them and they make me smile and occasionally they make me cry. I read a book about the Frontier Nursing Service that one of my preceptors (also a Frontier alum) gave to me to the kids as bedtime story tonight. I told them next year I would take them to meet the "Angels" (the midwives) in the story.

I also watched the video that all of us FNU students have seen about a thousand times...and then I watched it again with Ella...and then again on my own. I cried each time...because I can literally feel my sisters there with me, singing along, and holding hands. 


It's In Every One of Us

I also can hear Kitty Ernst, one of the original Frontier Nursing Service midwives, and the founder of the distance learning program telling us to go out there and change the world. She has high expectations for each of us...no joke.

Melissa and I with Miss Kitty

In the meantime, I've decided that as soon as I'm done with my midwifery program I'm going to do the extra clinical hours to get my WHNP (women's health nurse practioner) too, so next year when I finally go to graduation I'll being celebrating dual degrees. Also, I'm planning to be happy and cancer free.