Merry Christmas

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. I didn't intentionally take a break, but the build up to this Christmas has taken all my extra energy. I normally write my blog posts after we get the kids to bed,
but these past few weeks I've had intentions of wrapping gifts, baking, cleaning, and general productiveness once the kids are in bed...usually, with no luck. I can barely drag myself to bed after we tuck the kid's in...

I've thought about writing at nap time, but for the most part it's been the same story. Everyday I think I'm going to get some of "my" things done at nap time and I just can't do it, I pass out. There was even a day last week when I told E he could nap with me, but I fell asleep before him. I had told him he could snuggle with me in bed and we would watch a little tv, but I fell asleep and he kept watching...the whole afternoon. I knew I didn't have the energy to convince him to take a nap, so I just went with it.

Today was no exception. I woke up this morning to the sounds of E playing in his room with my dad. They were playing with some of the presents E received from our family Christmas last night. I was anticipating a 3 year old that would be busting to get downstairs to see what Santa had left, but E was completely content to play with a few of the presents from last night (many were still downstairs). Meanwhile, Ella and Geoff were still sleeping and it was 9 am. I know, 9 am. Kids don't sleep until 9 on Christmas!

I got up and took the dogs outside and went to E's room to see for myself if he was actually having as much fun as he sounded like he was having. He was. Then I took a shower and got dressed. By that point Geoff and Ella were awake so we went back to E's room and finally we said something about seeing what Santa brought...The kids were appropriately adorable and funny. At a year old, E barely unwrapped presents, but Ella tears into them with a vengeance. Meanwhile E wants everyone to open everything as fast as possible (he'll EVEN "help") because then he can scope out everything to see what he wants to play with most.

By 11am I was dragging and by 11:30 I was in bed for a nap. I slept for a few hours. When I got up Ella was just finishing up a nap and everyone was working on trying to get E moved towards a late nap. I said good-bye to my parents and brother and then helped to tuck E in for his nap. Then before he was even asleep I was laying back down for another nap. I'm not sure which of us fell asleep first, but again I slept for a few hours.

E on the other hand, had skipped a nap yesterday and stayed up way too late last night so we let him nap most of the afternoon. We did eventually wake him up just before 7pm, but for the first time in I can't remember how long, Geoff and I had enough time to watch a movie without a 3 year commenting on every aspect of it. Ella enjoyed the time with just the two of us, and we enjoyed the extra cuddles.

It really was a wonderful holiday. All of it. I'm sad I haven't had the energy to blog these past few weeks because this Christmas has been everything we needed it to be. It was sweet and genuine. Seeing all the magic through the eyes of our kids made it better than anything I could ever imagined. In fact to quote the Facebook status of one of Geoff's college friends, "Everyone should have a 3 1/2 year-old at their Christmas. Joy, joy, joy." It is so true! Add a 1 year old to the mix and well, you get the picture.

On the other hand, an unexpected difficult part of the holiday for our family was saying good-bye to our elf, Alfred. His last day with us was yesterday before he headed back to the North Pole for his vacation. He was kind enough to leave us a good-bye letter, but daily searches to find Alfred and see his latest antics will be greatly missed by us all. I think I may actually be the saddest about Alfred leaving, but it's not because of his powers of "watching" everything the kids do. Alfred is really just a great example of the magic of our household this past month. 

The hardest part for Christmas for Geoff and I though, is always the evening after everyone has left. Four years ago when I was pregnant with E, we had to put our beloved dog, Chester, to sleep. He had been struggling with lymphoma (a form of Cancer) and it was once all the hustle and bustle died down that we really realized it was time, really time. Up until that day he was happy to follow us around and sleep at our feet and medication kept him comfortable, but that evening we realized he could no longer follow us around or get up on his chair. He just laid on the floor and looked at us.

It was Christmas so our vet clinic was closed. As was every other normal vet clinic. In the end we had to go to the emergency clinic on the other side of town because even the emergency clinic by us was closed. For us that will forever be a part of our Christmas memories. There is always a painful part of the day that we try to find a way to respectfully avoid, but we can't. We always make it a point to honor the memory of Chester on Christmas. We never go for a ride because at least for me, it always reminds me of that miserable car ride with the roads to ourselves and everything closed.

Almost two years ago, when I was again pregnant, we had to revisit that same emergency clinic. At the same time of day and even the same room. This time it was for our other dog, Jeffy. A dog that I had since he was only 2 months old. At the time he was 12, but it was a young 12. We were dropping him off for IV fluids and observation while I was at work for the night because his chronic stomach issues (ulcers vs. pancreatitis) were flaring up. We never expected that he wouldn't be coming home again, but he didn't. We ended up in that same stinking emergency clinic and the same exam room to say good bye to my original baby.

There's more that ties into this for me...like the year before we moved to Madison my first ever cat, also Jeffy's best friend (and mine), had to be put down at an emergency clinic at Christmas time. (ok, ok, so he was actually my FIRST baby, but he would bite me if ever called him that, so...).

I'm sure everyone has sad moments and memories for Christmas and these are some of ours. We each have other loved ones that we miss and think about, but the loss of Chester on Christmas was a hard one for Geoff and I. It was a very painful loss for us together on a day that had always been happy before. Fortunately for us, all of our Christmas's since then have involved happiness and magic that only children bring, but this year the memories have been bittersweet. It hasn't escaped me that I am fortunate enough to be here and cancer free for this Christmas, while it was in fact cancer that took our Chester from us four years ago. He was a difficult dog that many people didn't understand, but he was family to us.

All of this has made me think about everyone else that has loved ones, 2 and 4 legged, that are suffering right now. I think about how lucky we all are to have others in our life; even though, often it seems too short. I think about how lucky we are to have the ability to recall memories, take pictures/videos, and tell stories. Most of all though, I think how lucky we are to be able to make sure that every moment counts and to always tell everyone how much they mean to you.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Winter Wonderland

So I have a little secret to share...I've been hoping for a few weeks that our first real snowfall would be today...and it was.

I have been checking the weather like mad for the past two weeks, especially this last week because we had our family photos scheduled for today. We wanted to have the pictures done with our horse in an area that if I remember correctly is a former tree farm.

Never did I expect everything to work out so perfectly.

Our pictures turned out beautifully. It looks like a winter wonderland! Want to see for yourself? Check out...https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=475226495849098&set=at.294181653953584.66243.137126399659111.1172845741.1418611848&type=1&theater

I've known what the kids and I were going to wear for weeks (Geoff is on his own), but I stayed up past 2am making sure everything was ready for our 8:30 appointment. When I went to bed it wasn't snowing and the last weather report I read said that it wasn't supposed to snow until afternoon. I was pretty bummed.

When I got up at 6:30 I was really dragging, but then I looked outside and saw the snow. I was like a little kid on Christmas.

Our kids were pretty excited too when they found Alfred, our Christmas elf, sitting in one of the pine trees. According to E he must have flown there and is hoping that he will fly home for tomorrow morning. Although E did take the time to question me tonight about whether I touched/brought Alfred (in case you don't know...you aren't supposed to touch your elf, it disturbs their "magic"). Anyway, Alfred was thoughtful enough to bring the kids some presents and candy canes too.

It was absolutely magical...Except for the cold part. The kids didn't last long before shivering set in and both wanted to go inside to warm up. We tried jackets/hats/mittens but they were pretty much done.

In the end this was good because I had a very difficult time warming up myself. I didn't realize it until we were driving home, but my jeans were drenched. I had brought some snuggly fleece pants to change into, but I forgot those too until we were halfway home. I had been feeling so well I didn't think anything of it.

After the pictures we drove straight to church to talk with E's Sunday school teacher about the Christmas program next weekend and then headed home so I could change clothes. After that we headed back out to run some errands which was to include going to see real reindeer with the kids, but we didn't even make it a mile before I realized I wasn't going to make it.

I couldn't warm up and I hurt everywhere. I had taken pain meds when we stopped at home and they probably didn't have time to kick in yet, but I knew it wasn't going to matter. This was a get in bed with heat packs and sleep kind of misery. So that is exactly what I did. I slept most of the rest of the day. I woke up when Ella woke up from her nap and Geoff, Ella and I snuck downstairs so Geoff and I could play Wii while E was still sleeping. Geoff was sweet enough to move all my heat packs/heating pads downstairs and I camped there until it was bedtime for the kids.

It amazes me sometimes how easily I forget that I have limitations or how intangible they are sometimes. I had no idea that I pushed it today, much less how far I pushed it. More than likely it was the lack of sleep combined with the cold, but it was the first time I really realized how fragile and vulnerable I still am. I didn't like it.

Repayment

I usually don't write blog posts on Fridays, but I had a few different blog ideas going through my head when I saw this picture -------------> on a friend's Facebook page. It inspired me and I knew I had to write something.

I have always loved helping people. I love giving gifts and surprises and finding ways to make other people's life better. I'm not saying that I'm always the most considerate person, but I definitely do have my moments...

On the other hand, I'm not always the most gracious about accepting help. Sometimes I'm stubborn and insist on doing things myself even when I'm out of my league. Other times I want the help, but I just don't know how to graciously accept...

This is another thing cancer has taught me...Sometimes it just doesn't matter if you can graciously accept, even if you can't possibly ever repay the person(s) for all he/she/they may do for you. I feel like I have learned this lesson over and over and over this year. Ironically, the other lesson all of this has taught me is that sometimes my desire/intentions/insistence to be gracious denies others the pleasure of being helpful, and unintentionally makes me less approachable. As I've learned to ask for help and appreciate help I feel like I've learned I have more friends than I ever realized, and those friends care more than I ever realized.

I know I've always been a private person, but this whole experience has changed that. Between asking for and accepting help, and this blog, I have found a new balance.

Anyway, thank you to all of you that have done something (or multiple somethings) for me and my family during all of this...cards, meals, care packages, visits, doggy daycare, housekeeping....We can't ever repay you, but we sure as hell will try!

In the meantime I hope you were able to get the rush of happiness I get when I do something good for someone else, and also please know that we will pay all the generosity and thoughtfulness we have been gifted forward. We will also make sure that our children are raised to do the same.

True test

It's been a few days since I last posted...It's not because I've been sick or because I have been so exhausted I can't do anything...In fact, it's kind of the opposite...I'm having a hard time sitting down.

This doesn't mean I'm back to my old self or that I don't get exhausted. I'm not and I do. It's just that I finally have a little more stamina and a few more things to do to go along with that stamina. By the time I'm done with everything I want to get done, I am exhausted and I fall asleep before writing a blog post.

It's been a little over a week since I had the blood transfusions, and to me, it feels like a month ago. It seems like compared to how much I've been able to do for the last few months, I've gotten that much done in the last week. This is not actually true, but I will settle for "feels like."

Initially I felt great and then I noticed the chills creeping back in, and the exhaustion, and the crankiness. Then it all kind of settled. As things settled I noticed I would have bursts of energy that coincided with bursts of clearer thinking, so I used this to my advantage. I've made all of this work this week by working, reading, working, reading, etc. The only thing is, the working=household chores, holiday decorating, wrapping presents, or even one day decorating cut out cookies with my mom (she made all of them at my house and despite her demands that I go lay down we decorated all but 2-those two we left for E).

Today was the true test of it all...I had my first oncology acupuncture appointment. Specifically it was aimed at treating the numbness and tingling I've had in my hands for these past few months. Prior to today I have noticed it finally starting to dissipate, so I decided I wanted to see how I would do with just the acupuncture and not taking gabapentin. I took my early morning dose, but no midday dose.

By the time I had my appointment the numbness/tingling was definitely irritating me enough that I was aware I had missed a dose. Personally, I feel like the acupuncture helped immensely. I've thought about the numbness/tingling a few times throughout the day, but it hasn't irritated me into needing more medication. I'm hoping that the combination of all of this fading on it's own and acupuncture will finally allow me to fully taper off gabapentin.

I'm still taking Ibuprofen, or Tylenol, here and there or occasionally a half a Norco (similarish to Vicodin) at bedtime, but I'm also trying to cut back and eliminate the need for any of these. Last week I was still taking Zofran for nausea and this week, I don't think I've needed it all.

I'm optimistic about this next week, but not as optimistic about the following week...I'm dying to get my lifting restrictions eliminated so I can pick up Ella again. E understands to come sit on my lap or that I can't pick him up (most of the time). It makes me want to pull my hair out at times because it takes him so long (mostly due to self imposed distractions) but E can get in and out of his car seat himself and climb into the car, bed, into the bath, etc.

Ella on the other hand will cry, run to me with her hands outstretched and say "mama!" and I can't pick her up. I crouch down on the floor, and often she will walk away, but as soon as I stand up she will reach for me again. Worse yet is when she falls. She is a toddler and therefore, toddles and trips frequently...It is just painful for me as I realize I can't scoop her up into my loving arms the way any other mom can.

Don't worry, I'm fussed about it, but not too much. We've come this far, we can make it another week. I just need to be careful that I don't overdo it the minute I can lift them again just because I can...I know I will be tempted...

Magic

I have so many things running through my mind today I don't have a clear idea of what to write.

What keeps coming to mind is the highs and the lows of this season. I have read more sad Facebook posts this week than ever before. People who have lost loved ones, have medical issues, financial hardships...

There is a part of me that relates on some level to each and everyone of them and there is a part of me that doesn't. Regardless, my heart goes out to all of them. I wish I could help them all.

There have been plenty of happy stories too, but that is how the holidays are isn't it? The sad stories are there to make you really appreciate the happy ones?

This year we are a happy story. It makes me feel selfish to say that, but it's true. Of course it isn't just me...We have a 1 year old who is just discovering the magic of the holiday season and a 3 year old who is completely immersed.

We are still struggling with not enough time, money, or energy to do all that we should, but who doesn't? Tonight there is a list of housework we should have done...laundry, litterboxes, general cleaning, floors...but we hung Christmas lights. (really, I did one bush and then Geoff did the rest) It's not anything fancy but we are so pleased with ourselves.

It is something that has been incredibly important to me this year. I've wanted lights so when I'm having those bad days I can look out the windows of my own house and see them. More importantly, I've wanted them for the kids. They love all the lights when we go anywhere in the car, so it makes sense that they would love them in their own yard.

E was very happy to help me with my contribution and Ella stood at the door and watched Geoff almost the whole time he was outside. Giggling and clapping and chattering away...It didn't take long once we figured out where all our lights were, but it was completely worth it!

It made sense to take advantage of the warm weather tonight. We'll get chores done another night and we'll get a tree another night. We still have plenty of indoor decorating to do too, but last night our elf, Alfred helped us out by decorating one of the bathrooms. He did a pretty good job too! He even left coloring pages and a snowflake craft project for the kids.

The looks on E's and Ella's faces were pure magic when E went to go potty and found him...I look forward to whatever magic Alfred, the Elf, will bring tomorrow.

Great Aspirations

One of the greatest struggles of cancer is not just the fighting the cancer, it is figuring out how to balance your "normal" life around it.

I've talked here before about my struggles with work, school, parenting, etc. Everyone always has kind words of encouragement and some are even able to relate to a degree. It's hard though...I'm 35. NONE of my friends have cancer. The only people I know that were an age similar to me and have had cancer have all lost their battles (different types of cancer, different stories and different decades of medical advancements). Scary none-the-less.

There isn't anyone I know that has had a similar type of cancer, or gone through a similar treatment regime, and had small children. Honestly, if you ask my oncologists, they will tell you it's not the norm either, but you wouldn't even need to do that...just walk through the waiting rooms. None of this is catered to my demographic. 

At the same time, I know I'm not the first parent to have cancer by any stretch. It's just that a dad having cancer isn't the same as a mom. A mom that has cancer with a 5 and 7 year old, isn't the same as a 1 and a 3 year old. Not that any one of these is better or worse than another...it just depends on the individual circumstances.

Another situation that is not characteristic of all cancers is my treatment. Many people have chemo or radiation or surgery, but honestly it isn't common for someone to have the works. Individually I was able to bounce back pretty easy from each of these treatments, but when you combine them the cumulative effect is really hard for me to take. Add in my kids. Add in other responsibilities. Take away school and work and it doesn't matter, it is still TOO much!

Another thing about cancer and being a parent is that I REALLY REALLY care about milestones! (Anyone watch the show Parenthood lately? I find it difficult to watch bc it is typically spot on). I want my kids to have ALL the magic of Christmas. I want ALL the magic of Christmas. I find it ironic that Macy's theme this year is "yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." A phrase that I have characteristically hated most of my life and now I want one of those "Virginia dolls" for Ella (and me) more than anyone can imagine.

Last weekend the kids had photos done in a Candyland theme (pics to be posted soon). Yesterday we had the dogs photos done with Santa in the afternoon at their doggy daycare (pics from that to be posted soon too). After the kids woke up from their naps we headed to our downtown for the annual firetruck parade and party at the fire house. At the fire house we had the kids photos with Santa (not very popular with the kids), we had face painting, and the kids had balloon airplanes and flowers made. Next weekend we are having family photos done. For the record I hate having my own photos done, but I have realized that this is really important. It is important for me to accept who I am, and it is important for us to have photos of us as a family. You never know what is going to happen next.

I suppose that many of my feelings on all of this are exacerbated by the fact that I had the postpartum hemorrhage after Ella was born 16 months ago. Honestly, I don't think about the hemorrhage much anymore, but when you combine that with my cancer it feels to me (yes, this may seem dramatic to you), like I have escaped death twice in less than 2 years.

Honestly, it doesn't really feel like I have escaped death at times. It feels like I'm clawing for every inch I can get between me and it some days. On one hand I love hearing how good I look, or "wow! I never would have guessed you had cancer," but on the other hand it makes me feel like my battle is an even more private and painful battle. No one sees my scars or my wounds. Most of it is internal.

There are a lot of days when I just hurt. My joints hurt. The numbness and tingling hurts. My stomach hurts. I just want to cry, but I have my kiddos to worry about so I don't cry until I go to bed. Geoff helps me get my meds, my heating pads, whatever and often we watch something on Hulu Plus or YouTube until my meds kick in and I can go to sleep. He is great and I don't know what I would do without him.

Knowing how taxed he is and how easily taxed I am, I asked my parents to come and help us over the weekend. I told my mom that we wanted to do the photos with Santa and the dogs, and take the kids to the firetruck parade, and the activities associated with it. Beyond that I wanted help finishing winterizing our yard, putting out Christmas lights, getting out Christmas decorations (I can't even lift the bins, much less have the energy to decorate the house), and if time, make Christmas cookies with the kids. More than anything I wanted this for my kids.

My parents came Friday and my dad spent the day doing the yardwork. My mom helped me with the kids and folded laundry while I tried to move toys around in the living room (which is still a disaster still waiting to be repaired). My dad declared he wouldn't help with Christmas related things and then Geoff came home from work. I had ordered a dress for his work Holiday party, but the dress arrived and um, was not what I wanted. It was black sparkly lace with a nude underlay that left me looking very naked underneath. As Geoff put it as he laughed "I would be looking for bits with that dress." Not the look I was going for. So he and I asked my parents to watch E and we headed out with Ella to return the dress and attempt to get something else. We didn't come home until 10ish. I was burnt out, overtired, and frustrated beyond belief. I was crying and convinced I would never find a dress that would suit my first all adult adventure (not treatment related) out of the house in nearly 6 months.

Yesterday I woke up and all of us ran to get the kids to swimming lessons. Since the kids are in the same lessons and I can't go in the pool for a  few more weeks we took advantage of having grandpa available for swimming lessons. Then we came home and everything fell apart.

My exhaustion combined with my expectations kicked in. I tried to articulate what I wanted done to an audience that was convinced the best thing to do was to point out that I was being emotional. My father is very stubborn (it may be where I get it from and he HATES emotional) so he stopped listening immediately. My mother told me all I was doing was criticizing everyone as I attempted to articulate that there was a difference between helping their way and helping the way I wanted to be helped.

I'll use an example that is unrelated to the actual events...my version would be "could you help me put away dishes in my kitchen and straighten up" and their version would be to rearrange everything in my cupboards and tell me how I had everything wrong to begin with and it's better this way. I understand the intentions, but it isn't helping. It's causing more frustration and disrespectful to the fact that the kitchen is half mine and half Geoff's and everything has been put in a place negotiated by the two of us.

I attempted to plead my case, but no one listened. I was told many times that no one needed to listen to me because they already understood. It was apparent to me that no one did understand and you know what, because of everything else lately, I realized it was really important that I am listened to this time. I had asked for the help this weekend, we were the ones that needed it, and it didn't seem right that we were being told, no, you don't know what you need or I won't help with Christmas related work (I specifically requested this type of work ahead of time).

There was a lot of other drama involved that does not need to be mentioned here and my parents left. Eventually we were able to renegotiate via cell phones and they came back so my mom would watch the kids and put them down for naps so we could still do pictures with the dogs. In exchange, Geoff agreed to sew zippers in a few hunting vests/jackets my dad wanted, but my dad refused to come in our house while Geoff worked on these for hours. In fact, at this time my dad is potentially refusing to ever come back (this has happened many times before). Personally, I'm not sure I ever want him to come back, but on broader scale I'm concerned how that effects everyone else and family relations, so while I don't want him back here, I'm sure I would let him back if/when he changes his mind.

Santa and Crabby, the littlest reindeer...

There is so much more I can say. There is so much more I want to say. I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I didn't write anything last night because I was aware of this. I needed to sleep on what I wanted to say. I don't want to air my family's dirty laundry in my blog, but at the same time, I don't want to pretend it isn't there.

Everyone has their drama. No family is perfect. My family is certainly no exception. Of course, we normally try to pretend differently. All of it is hard for me to take on a good day, but when you combine cancer and exhaustion, it seems really unfair. I didn't want any of this. My father was incredibly disrespectful to me and my family, but he is my father. Life is too precious to hold grudges, especially when there are small children involved. I want my children to love their grandparents, even if I don't always like those grandparents. So here it is, cancer sucks...but cancer also teaches you what is really important. Cancer makes it obvious where priorities should be. In my world, that is always with my family and kids. So if some old scrooge wants to be grumpy, mean, and stubborn beyond belief, I'll be here hurting, but waiting until he is ready to get over it.


P.S. I may not have gotten what I wanted done...I know it still ended up being a pretty great day for the kids, so it was also a pretty great day for me! I love all these pictures!