Great Aspirations

One of the greatest struggles of cancer is not just the fighting the cancer, it is figuring out how to balance your "normal" life around it.

I've talked here before about my struggles with work, school, parenting, etc. Everyone always has kind words of encouragement and some are even able to relate to a degree. It's hard though...I'm 35. NONE of my friends have cancer. The only people I know that were an age similar to me and have had cancer have all lost their battles (different types of cancer, different stories and different decades of medical advancements). Scary none-the-less.

There isn't anyone I know that has had a similar type of cancer, or gone through a similar treatment regime, and had small children. Honestly, if you ask my oncologists, they will tell you it's not the norm either, but you wouldn't even need to do that...just walk through the waiting rooms. None of this is catered to my demographic. 

At the same time, I know I'm not the first parent to have cancer by any stretch. It's just that a dad having cancer isn't the same as a mom. A mom that has cancer with a 5 and 7 year old, isn't the same as a 1 and a 3 year old. Not that any one of these is better or worse than another...it just depends on the individual circumstances.

Another situation that is not characteristic of all cancers is my treatment. Many people have chemo or radiation or surgery, but honestly it isn't common for someone to have the works. Individually I was able to bounce back pretty easy from each of these treatments, but when you combine them the cumulative effect is really hard for me to take. Add in my kids. Add in other responsibilities. Take away school and work and it doesn't matter, it is still TOO much!

Another thing about cancer and being a parent is that I REALLY REALLY care about milestones! (Anyone watch the show Parenthood lately? I find it difficult to watch bc it is typically spot on). I want my kids to have ALL the magic of Christmas. I want ALL the magic of Christmas. I find it ironic that Macy's theme this year is "yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." A phrase that I have characteristically hated most of my life and now I want one of those "Virginia dolls" for Ella (and me) more than anyone can imagine.

Last weekend the kids had photos done in a Candyland theme (pics to be posted soon). Yesterday we had the dogs photos done with Santa in the afternoon at their doggy daycare (pics from that to be posted soon too). After the kids woke up from their naps we headed to our downtown for the annual firetruck parade and party at the fire house. At the fire house we had the kids photos with Santa (not very popular with the kids), we had face painting, and the kids had balloon airplanes and flowers made. Next weekend we are having family photos done. For the record I hate having my own photos done, but I have realized that this is really important. It is important for me to accept who I am, and it is important for us to have photos of us as a family. You never know what is going to happen next.

I suppose that many of my feelings on all of this are exacerbated by the fact that I had the postpartum hemorrhage after Ella was born 16 months ago. Honestly, I don't think about the hemorrhage much anymore, but when you combine that with my cancer it feels to me (yes, this may seem dramatic to you), like I have escaped death twice in less than 2 years.

Honestly, it doesn't really feel like I have escaped death at times. It feels like I'm clawing for every inch I can get between me and it some days. On one hand I love hearing how good I look, or "wow! I never would have guessed you had cancer," but on the other hand it makes me feel like my battle is an even more private and painful battle. No one sees my scars or my wounds. Most of it is internal.

There are a lot of days when I just hurt. My joints hurt. The numbness and tingling hurts. My stomach hurts. I just want to cry, but I have my kiddos to worry about so I don't cry until I go to bed. Geoff helps me get my meds, my heating pads, whatever and often we watch something on Hulu Plus or YouTube until my meds kick in and I can go to sleep. He is great and I don't know what I would do without him.

Knowing how taxed he is and how easily taxed I am, I asked my parents to come and help us over the weekend. I told my mom that we wanted to do the photos with Santa and the dogs, and take the kids to the firetruck parade, and the activities associated with it. Beyond that I wanted help finishing winterizing our yard, putting out Christmas lights, getting out Christmas decorations (I can't even lift the bins, much less have the energy to decorate the house), and if time, make Christmas cookies with the kids. More than anything I wanted this for my kids.

My parents came Friday and my dad spent the day doing the yardwork. My mom helped me with the kids and folded laundry while I tried to move toys around in the living room (which is still a disaster still waiting to be repaired). My dad declared he wouldn't help with Christmas related things and then Geoff came home from work. I had ordered a dress for his work Holiday party, but the dress arrived and um, was not what I wanted. It was black sparkly lace with a nude underlay that left me looking very naked underneath. As Geoff put it as he laughed "I would be looking for bits with that dress." Not the look I was going for. So he and I asked my parents to watch E and we headed out with Ella to return the dress and attempt to get something else. We didn't come home until 10ish. I was burnt out, overtired, and frustrated beyond belief. I was crying and convinced I would never find a dress that would suit my first all adult adventure (not treatment related) out of the house in nearly 6 months.

Yesterday I woke up and all of us ran to get the kids to swimming lessons. Since the kids are in the same lessons and I can't go in the pool for a  few more weeks we took advantage of having grandpa available for swimming lessons. Then we came home and everything fell apart.

My exhaustion combined with my expectations kicked in. I tried to articulate what I wanted done to an audience that was convinced the best thing to do was to point out that I was being emotional. My father is very stubborn (it may be where I get it from and he HATES emotional) so he stopped listening immediately. My mother told me all I was doing was criticizing everyone as I attempted to articulate that there was a difference between helping their way and helping the way I wanted to be helped.

I'll use an example that is unrelated to the actual events...my version would be "could you help me put away dishes in my kitchen and straighten up" and their version would be to rearrange everything in my cupboards and tell me how I had everything wrong to begin with and it's better this way. I understand the intentions, but it isn't helping. It's causing more frustration and disrespectful to the fact that the kitchen is half mine and half Geoff's and everything has been put in a place negotiated by the two of us.

I attempted to plead my case, but no one listened. I was told many times that no one needed to listen to me because they already understood. It was apparent to me that no one did understand and you know what, because of everything else lately, I realized it was really important that I am listened to this time. I had asked for the help this weekend, we were the ones that needed it, and it didn't seem right that we were being told, no, you don't know what you need or I won't help with Christmas related work (I specifically requested this type of work ahead of time).

There was a lot of other drama involved that does not need to be mentioned here and my parents left. Eventually we were able to renegotiate via cell phones and they came back so my mom would watch the kids and put them down for naps so we could still do pictures with the dogs. In exchange, Geoff agreed to sew zippers in a few hunting vests/jackets my dad wanted, but my dad refused to come in our house while Geoff worked on these for hours. In fact, at this time my dad is potentially refusing to ever come back (this has happened many times before). Personally, I'm not sure I ever want him to come back, but on broader scale I'm concerned how that effects everyone else and family relations, so while I don't want him back here, I'm sure I would let him back if/when he changes his mind.

Santa and Crabby, the littlest reindeer...

There is so much more I can say. There is so much more I want to say. I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I didn't write anything last night because I was aware of this. I needed to sleep on what I wanted to say. I don't want to air my family's dirty laundry in my blog, but at the same time, I don't want to pretend it isn't there.

Everyone has their drama. No family is perfect. My family is certainly no exception. Of course, we normally try to pretend differently. All of it is hard for me to take on a good day, but when you combine cancer and exhaustion, it seems really unfair. I didn't want any of this. My father was incredibly disrespectful to me and my family, but he is my father. Life is too precious to hold grudges, especially when there are small children involved. I want my children to love their grandparents, even if I don't always like those grandparents. So here it is, cancer sucks...but cancer also teaches you what is really important. Cancer makes it obvious where priorities should be. In my world, that is always with my family and kids. So if some old scrooge wants to be grumpy, mean, and stubborn beyond belief, I'll be here hurting, but waiting until he is ready to get over it.


P.S. I may not have gotten what I wanted done...I know it still ended up being a pretty great day for the kids, so it was also a pretty great day for me! I love all these pictures!