Weaning

The big focus of the day was the sick kids. Fortunately they slept in, sort of...

Ella woke up early and then just about the time she fell back to sleep, Ephraim woke up. He was so excited that he was in our room and in our bed that he was content to read books and play quietly. When he started to escalate I let him watch a little bit of Nick Jr. (we really try to not let the kids watch tv except for sick days...Geoff and I feel E has had too much tv/iPad time lately, but sometimes you just do what you have to do).

Eventually I got everyone up, fed, diapers changed/dogs outside and then I tried to get the kids outside...with two sick kids, who really just want to sleep, outside isn't so much fun. Eventually I put Ella in the stroller and convinced E to ride his bike. Then the three of us plus Wilco, the wiener dog, headed out for a walk. We never made it far enough to drown out the barking of the Coonhounds who felt the need to voice the injustice of being left at home.

When we got back home I had to go get E out of his bed to try to get him to eat something. Eventually he reluctantly ate a pudding cup (I tried everything!) and then told me again he wanted to go take a nap.

Ella didn't nap quite this easy, but not much more difficult (she fell asleep getting a neb treatment). I took the day off from school and had time to watch tv and search out information on pumping/dumping while I'm on chemo-radiation.

It probably goes without saying that chemo and breastfeeding don't go together, but it really depends on the chemo agent used. Unfortunately the Cisplatin I'll have is very incompatible and there is very little information about how long to wait between treatment and being able to resume breastfeeding. My wonderful NP has supported and helped me look into this but for the most part consensus has been to wean and be done with it.

I'm sure it's odd to some of you, make that many of you...but I don't want to give up my special powers. I'm crunchy and Ella and I enjoy our oxytocin bond. Initially, I was told that it could be up to 6 months from the time I'm done with treatment before I can resume breastfeeding and I was willing to give it a try. Today I found out that I need to wait a minimum of a month once I'm done with treatment. I was ecstatic!

Now we are working on finding out about getting levels of Cisplatin in milk tested. I want to be able to resume breastfeeding and do the crunchy thing and nurse my toddler, but I want it to be safe. I nursed E to one year so I've already beaten that. I said I was ok with a year with Ella but in all honesty, I was hoping to make it to the WHO's (World Health Organization) recommendation of 2 or even go for 3.

It's another one of life's little ironies that I used to make fun of women who breastfed their toddlers and now I'm hoping I'll still get to be one of them. I won't get to be pregnant again. I won't get to give birth again. I won't get to breastfeed again. Instead I'm going to see if I can find the strength to suck it up and pump and dump for a few months so Ella can have another 6, 12 or 18 months. Maybe she won't want to and that's fine. Maybe I'll decide it's too much, that's fine too. I just don't want to look back at all of this and say I really wish I would have...

It's hard for me to really say why this is so important to me. I think it really stems back to Ella's birth. I was a super mom. I had a 12 lb baby at home naturally. I know I rocked it. I caught my own baby and immediately brought her to my chest and nursed her. (If you knew what Ella looked like at birth it wouldn't surprise you that it was really this easy for us)...This has always been our thing.

After hemorrhaging (retained placenta) there was a lot to process. I wasn't with my baby when she was weighed for the first time. I was never with my baby for her first car ride. I didn't dress her the first time. There were a lot of little firsts that I missed out on. I grieved these little losses and other people didn't understand because I had "a healthy baby" afterall. It isn't always that simple though. I couldn't just make myself forget about all those milestones we videotaped with our first child.

As it was all happening, I had a good idea how bad my hemorrhage was. I knew how much blood I lost. I knew that I was in and out of consciousness on the ambulance ride, in the ER, on the way to the OR. I remember the anesthesiologist telling me to count backwards from 10 and making it to 7, but I didn't remember that I had defib pads on until I read my own medical records. I was scared. I knew I was loosing too much blood and honestly, I wasn't sure I was going to make it.

What I did know was that I had held my baby and I nursed her. We had a wonderful photographer that captured those moments and had I not made it, my little girl would always have had those photos and only those photos of her with me.

One of my first memories of the recovery room was being able to nurse her again. I missed a few hours of her life but that whole time my wonderful husband, doula, and midwives all took turns holding my precious babe skin-to-skin. No one fed her formula. She has never had formula. (and never will...)

This really is our thing. Initially when I was diagnosed with cancer I was willing to let it go, but Geoff could tell it crushed me. He was the one that brought it up. He was the one that encouraged me to dig deeper and he said he would help me however he could. He understands how important this is.

He is the one that is going to feel the brunt of Ella's wrath on Tuesday when nursing is no longer an option. After all, he is the one that would console her when I was at work. He is the one that is going to understand the most painful part of Tuesday won't be the radiation or the chemo. I can handle all that. What is going to break my heart is listening to Ella cry and knowing that I no longer know how to console my own daughter. Knowing that if I try to hold her, it is only going to upset her more.

I know that it will get better. I know that the worst will only be for a few days at most. We'll get through it. In a way it makes me happy that if we are able to resume our nursing relationship she will have other coping mechanisms by then. Our relationship will be redefined.

We'll have to see how it all goes. If there is one thing that I have really learned from all of this it is to take one thing at a time. Right now I'm making the most of the time I have before having to cut Ella off. We have milk stored. Lots. She'll be ok. I'll be ok. Geoff will probably be ok too.