Menopause...

Menopause...Another word that I never planned on publicly discussing. Another aspect of my life that I didn't have scheduled to deal with for, oh let's just say 20 or so years.

Tumor board review was this morning. According to my NP the general consensus was to skip the exploratory laproscopic surgery and go right to chemo-radiation asap. My NP felt it was important to note that this consensus was made up of female physicians. My oncologist and another are on outreach days today and not present at tumor board review. Another is on vacation. This means that the women oncologists, the audience most likely to understand the importance of preserving ovarian function, felt that it was more important to get started on treatment.

I knew this was a possibility. I even knew it could be a strong possibility. I did not expect it. I was happy with our plan. I didn't have to have a radical hysterectomy today like originally planned and I had two weeks to deal with everything else. I was thinking about seeing if I could go back to work for a week. I had time to wean Ella. I had time to deal with school (get caught up and work ahead a little). I had time. Oh, and I would potentially have a working ovary so I wouldn't have to go through menopause at the age of 35.

I can't even think about weaning Ella right now I'm not ready. I'm in denial. I have no idea how we are even going to approach that, so we will save that discussion for another day.

Today all I can think about is my ovaries and menopause. I'm furious. Not at anyone. Definitely not with anyone, just the circumstances. I'm 35! I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I'm supposed to be deciding whether or not I want more kids (which as we have previously discussed, I did). I've already lost that option multiple times in the past few weeks and now I have to go through menopause too? I'm going to come out and say the obvious. Why me? Why!?!?!?

I'm sorry about my pity party but I can't help it right now. I can't stop crying and trying to convince myself that it's worth it to survive cancer. BUT...I wanted to survive this without menopause. That was what I really wanted. Now I have to go through a life process that very few people my age can understand or relate to. The general population that can understand and relate to this are long done with their childbearing years and don't have the same daily challenges that I do.

None of this is what really matters thought. At the risk of sounding like a 2 year old. I just want to scream "No! I don't want to!" I don't want to write a blog post about the injustices of my life and then have to grow up and get over it. I want to kick and scream until cancer gives in and says "oh all right, you can keep your ovaries and if you shut up I promise I won't spread." If only it worked this way.

I know that the oncology team has a full surgery schedule so I asked if there was anyway they could add me on as what UW calls an "e-case" (My understanding has always been that the "e" is for extra or emergency...depending on the situation).  My NP stated that she still wants to talk with my oncologist and the other that is out of town before we make a final decision on all of this. She wants to know that everyone is in agreement. Overall though, the consensus was it is better to just remove the chance that cancer could spread to my ovaries. Radiate them. Take away the last of my pelvic organs that identify me as a woman.

I was planning to begin my midwifery career with another pregnancy around the same time. I was planning on being able to relate to my patients and their families in that way that only someone living the same challenges could. Now I'll have already gone through menopause. How will that be for relatability? (Please don't actually answer this. I know I'm being irrational...)

Alright, it's time for me to grow up and get over it and get ready for my consult appointment with the radiation oncologist at 3:45. I'm sure it will be fun.