Complex

Tonight I planned to have a "Letting Go" Party. Essentially this means I write out some things about my cancer experience (I was going to use blog excerpts), read them out load, burn them in our fire pit, and emotionally let them go.

It seemed like it was going to a perfect night for this. The cooler temps at night make have made it apparent that we are on brink of fall.

Furthermore, I get my port placed tomorrow and chemo and radiation start Tuesday. This would be the perfect night to have a glass of wine and cleanse myself emotionally.

I planned to go riding in the evening, come home and get the kids to bed. Once they were asleep we would get the fire pit going and relax.

While I was out riding it suddenly got very dark. There was some thunder and lightening that convinced us it was time to head in. I drove home and crossed through a few areas of patchy sprinkles, but that was all I ever saw of rain. None-the-less, the idea of rain initiated doubts for my party tonight.

I began to contemplate just lighting candles and relaxing in the house instead. I considered having to be at the hospital at 7am tomorrow and how early I was really going to have to get up to get the kids ready and dropped off at daycare in order to make my 7 appointment time. Yuck!

I decided going to bed seemed like a better idea tonight.

Of course it is never that easy.

I gave the kids a bath and they did their best to try to drown each other. Then E declared he needed to go to bed "right now." He didn't really mean it apparently. On the other hand, Ella did mean it. Then E woke her up. Then no one would go to bed. Then suddenly they both went to bed and I realized that I wasn't ready to go to bed.

To complicate things, Geoff made it apparent that he was having a hard time with everything himself tonight. For the most part, I've been over sweating the small stuff lately. I've realized life really is too short. Unfortunately, Geoff isn't quite there yet. He's worried about this week, but he doesn't have a blog to sort through his thoughts. He doesn't want to burden me or anyone else so he doesn't say anything. Then it all hits him.

He is not ready for a "letting go" party yet. He doesn't quite know what to let go. I think I'll wait for my party until he has a better idea of what to celebrate for his own.

...All this crap can just be too complex at times.