The best and the worse of it all...

Today was definitely better. The early morning resembled yesterday (nausea and fatigue), but to a much lesser degree. I napped and took it easy and by mid afternoon, I felt like I could go outside with the kiddos. By the end of the day, I felt like I could almost be with my family in a way reminiscent of a week ago (pre-cancer treatment).

Ephraim is feeling much better and off antibiotics. He has resumed his life-long goal to climb everything and has decided this weekend that should include mastering climbing trees. He has also decided to add stunts to his bike riding repertoire and possibly scariest of all, he has discovered Calvin and Hobbes (thanks again, mom...NOT really!!!) I can only imagine what this will lead to...

Ella is also doing great and is every bit as adventurous. She is walking, talking, going up and down stairs and there is no stopping her when she has mind set on something. She wants to be in the middle of everything and the only way to slow her down is turn on music and hope it distracts her long enough for a quick dance.

This weekend someone asked me what the best and the worse of all of this has been. The best was easy for me to answer...Obviously all the family and friends. We feel so loved and supported. It seems that everywhere we go people tell us they have been praying for us, or they have been thinking of us, or they want to help.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the outpouring of support is overwhelming. All the prayers, words of encouragement, meal support, cards, babysitting offers, doggy daycare days, etc. are making it possible for us to focus on each other and just take it one day at a time.

I don't know what we would do without all of you, really...

As far as what is the worst? Well, that's pretty easy too. It's the unknown, of course. Will the current treatment plan be enough? Will I have another clean PET scan, but not MRI? What happens then? or What if they both come back clean? We've talked about being aggressive with this, what does that mean?

There are so many life-changing events that have happened in the past month and 3 days. Some of them we have processed, many we are still processing. Many just create more questions for us. The biggest questions are of course, how ugly is this going to get? Will I really make it? How are the kids going to be affected? Are we going to run out of support before the damn cancer dies? and after this weekend, if the chemo is supposed to kill the cancer, what makes me think I will be able to outlast the chemo?

On Friday I got a phone call from the Kid's Miracle Network. They were asking me to donate money to sick and terminally ill kids so they could have trips and special memories with their families. I was at a loss for words. I want to help those kids, but what about my kids? I have a good prognosis, but my kids don't understand all that is going on. Already E talks about me going to the doctor all the time. He asks if I'm ok. If my owie (my port) is getting better. He tells me "it's ok mama...don't worry" or "you come get me from school (aka daycare) after you are done at the doctor?"

I feel bad and I worry about him all the time. Don't get me wrong, I know my kiddos are resilient. Really they are. It's just that I don't want my kids to feel the weight of issues that are beyond their time. E should be worrying about which trees to climb, not how sick his mommy is today.

That phone call was frustrating to me. I was mad (not at the cause, I promise). I realized that I want to be able to take my kids to Disney World someday (this is ironic b/c neither Geoff or I have ever cared that much about going to Disney). I want my kids to have the "Disney" experience and I want it to be with me. I want E to smile from Mickey Mouse ear to Mickey Mouse ear and be carefree.

Then Saturday happened. I was miserable. I felt horrible and it was reflected in my energy and my attitude. I tried to put on a good front for E, but I know he saw through it. Geoff and I were frustrated with each other because neither of us knew how to handle such a crummy day either. E saw this too.

This is the worst of it all.

Today as I felt better Geoff and I were able to reevaluate. We were able to use some of what was previously unknown and prepare for how to handle this upcoming week. We both realized that the best thing we can do for all of us is to use the best (i.e. all the support) to minimize the worse (i.e. the unknown) and create as much stability in household as possible...for now.