C is Chippewa Falls

In honor of my impending treatment, we decided to shirk all responsibilities today and run off to Northwestern, WI. When we lived in the Twin Cities, we would drive through Eau Claire/Chippewa Falls on our way to visit my parents in Eastern, WI. This worked out perfectly for us because my grandparents (and many aunts, uncles, and cousins) all live in this area. 

Then we moved to Madison, got married, and started our own family. We had great intentions but we found that we just don't get up north to visit as often as we used to. In the past year, since Ella was born, we have only been to Chippewa twice. Once was passing through on the way home from the Twin Cities with two sick kids and we skipped exposing my elderly grandparents.

My grandfather had his 94th birthday in early July and we weren't able to make it to his party. Word on the street was he wasn't his normal chatty self so we vowed that we would get over to visit soon. Then we found out about my cancer and it became even more of a priority for us.

A rare moment...E giving Ella a kiss.

We decided we wouldn't tell them about the cancer. If they found out, they found out, but we didn't want to worry them. Of course, my grandmother knew. My grandmother always knows...

I don't know if my grandfather knows, because we barely saw him. When we first arrived he was too tired to get out of bed. This both saddened and concerned us, but we were warned that this is not the first time.

I snuck into my grandparents room and gave him a peck on the cheek and whispered "I love you grandpa." He was sleeping on his side, facing away from me, but he turned back to look at me, smiled and wiggled a finger at me in acknowledgement. 

E and Great-Grandma.

Ella and Great-Grandma.

Eventually, we left to go visit with one of my cousins. When we came back to my grandparent's house, my grandfather had just been convinced to get up. He stayed up long enough to get a few pictures and then he snuck back to bed.

E and Ella with Great-Grandma and Grandpa.

E really enjoyed playing quietly by Great-Grandpa.

It broke my heart to see my grandfather so tired and weak. He never really talked with us other than telling me he just getting "too old" and that I have "really great kids." This isn't the grandfather I know.

I watched my grandmother to see what her reaction to everything was. This is when I realized that she was covering for him and not just once. At one point I asked if I could get him an Ensure and my grandmother told me that she thought that was a great idea. Then she said something to him about and he said "oh, I just drank half of one, remember?" and she turned to me and said "oh, that's right, he did."

She muttered a couple times that she thinks "we're losing him." I didn't know what to say. You would think with all the mortality and comfort discussions we've endured in the past few weeks I would have a clue but I didn't, so I gave her a hug (honestly I suck at therapeutic communication sometimes).

I asked Geoff if he thought she was covering for him too and we started talking...You see, Geoff and I have always had a deal. To explain our deal you need to know a little about the song, "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds. In this song there is a verse that goes:

Next door, there's an old man who lived to his 90's
And one day, passed away in his sleep
And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days 
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way   
To tell you that I know we belong  
That I know that I am I am, I am the luckiest

We have had endless ridiculous conversations about this verse. Basically to sum it up, our deal is to live long, full lives and to quietly pass away together. Of natural causes of course. This way neither of us ever has to endure the loss of the other one.

All this cancer stuff has touched on my mortality way too many times in the past few weeks. Early on, Geoff pointed out that we made a deal and that I'm not allowed to go back on it. Seeing my grandparents today made me wonder if my grandparents have a deal and what it is.

I'm glad we took the time to drive to Chippewa today. The kids handled it like champs and the few pictures I got today were priceless. I hope that my grandfather was just having a rough day and I'll make it my priority to visit as much as I can. I can't imagine being 94 years old, but when I get there I'll stay in bed for the day if I want too.