She broke the mold...literally

Warning: This is a long one...

Today has been a day of ups and downs. I found out that my PET Scan (kind of like a CT scan where I get a radioactive dye that helps determine whether there is cancer in my lymph nodes) and my MRI (this determines that the cancer is really just in my cervix and not my uterus, kidneys, etc.) are both on Thursday. I wouldn't say I am really looking forward to this day but I am appreciative that both scans were scheduled for the same day. This way I only have to pump and dump for 24 hours once and I only have one night of waiting for results from scans.

I also found out more about my chemo regimen. I will get 2 drugs once every 3 weeks x4. I asked about the side effects and there was a little hesitation and a little speech about not wanting to overload me with everything right now. I assured my wonderful NP (nurse practitioner) that I really was ok and we needed to know some of this so we could plan childcare, blah, blah, blah...Then with great hesitation she declared that I would lose my hair. "There really isn't any way around it." That is really the big one and that's the one everyone has wanted to know. I told myself I wouldn't care. I didn't think I would care. I didn't care when she told me, but a few hours later, I cared. She talked to me about the nice lady that runs the wig shop and how I could get a top notch wig for free. I could even meet this lady when I have my first chemo appointment so she would know what I look like with my hair and help me to have some continuity.

I love that they do all this for cancer patients; however, I am not one of them. It's not that I am in denial of losing my hair. I will. In fact I plan to have a head shaving party before I have to face losing my hair I've even had one awesome friend offer to do it with me. (Weird fact I learned today: apparently losing your hair from chemo can hurt.)

So the hair vs. wig thing is actually more of a karmic balance thing for me. A few months ago before any of this started, my husband decided to grow his hair out for Locks of Love. I really appreciated his sentiment and supported what he wanted to do. I even contemplated doing it myself. Then when I found out about my cancer we joked about him giving his hair to me. This is funny b/c he has A LOT of hair and it grows fast! It frequently looks too messy. I loved the idea that I could still have hair that I was used to and it would make a great thick ponytail. He loved the irony that he would be able to nag me about my hair being too messy.

Unfortunately for both of us, I think I am going to lose my hair before he makes his 10" goal,  I also think that he should be able to accomplish what he originally set out to do without me hijacking it. He should give his hair to someone who really needs it. That isn't me. My cancer is no secret and I'm only supposed to get 4 chemo treatments. I will have hair again. In the meantime I'll rock some cute hats or scarves or my big old bald head, but I won't upset the karmic balance of hair.

I've wasted a lot of my day thinking about all this hair stuff. It was all important for me to consider, but now I have more important and happy things to think about...My little girl's FIRST birthday!!! In honor of this special occasion I wrote her a little letter to read when she is old enough to understand.

Dear Grown up Ella Bean,

Please don't take any of this the wrong way...We love you and this first year with you has been quite the adventure! You have an abundance of personality and it shows in everything you do.

You came into this world in a big way. A 12 lb way. I've received endless comments about your size and birth. Don't be fooled. Your birth was beautiful beyond words and I will forever be grateful that I was able to experience such a miracle.

I've always defended your birth as easy and peaceful. The way it should be.

Unfortunately, the placenta was not as easy and peaceful.

Your birth was the perfect birth; however, I do have to wonder if your intentions were to break the mold...literally.

Happy First Birthday!
Love,

Mama

P.S. I know you didn't cause my cancer.