Temper tantrums

I skipped my neuro appointment.

Ok, not exactly. More like I missed it, but I had options...It went like this.

I got up with Geoff and the kids and we all drove together. I've been so exhausted and having such poor ability to concentrate it hasn't made sense to drive. At the same time, I didn't want Geoff to miss more work to drive me from one medical building to the hospital and then pick me back up when I was done with my blood. Instead I rode with him. We dropped the dogs off at doggy daycare. We dropped the kids off at daycare. I dropped him off at work, and then I went on my way.

The plan was I would pick him up when I was done with my transfusion and he would drive me home on his lunch break. Then he would go back to work and bring everyone home like normal.

By the time we were almost at the kid's daycare I realized it was getting really tight. Geoff offered to change the plan and drop me off instead, but I refused. He's missed enough work lately and I was looking forward to my few minutes of freedom. I had about 2 miles to drive to get to my appointment. My appointment was scheduled for 8:30 and at about 8:35 I called the clinic to say I was just about to the parking lot and I was running a few minutes behind. They told me I would probably have to reschedule. I told them fine. They offered me a few spots in December. I told them I would rather not come until January.

So here is the deal. They ticked me off. Not because they were busy and couldn't accommodate me. I'm constantly running late. I don't know how other people with small children do it. I've never figured it out. Actually it is Geoff and I. We are a terrible combination for tardiness. In this case though, the neurology clinic staff was exceptionally rude.

I had already had a rough morning dealing with multiple temper tantrums from a three year old who kept me up part of the night because he decided to have a party in his room at 4 am. I snoozed an extra 5 minutes, so maybe that would have saved me, but I don't think that was what killed me. It was the only mommy can get me dressed temper tantrum as Geoff tried to dress him and I dressed Ella. Then it was the "no, I want you to carry me down the stairs Mommy" temper tantrum and the "I neeeeed you to put my shoes on (because I can't do it myself today) Mommy" temper tantrum. Then there was another about getting everything into the car and another about getting him into the car. It was absurd. It was also obvious that he was extremely overtired. There were more tears shed about going to daycare and about getting out of the car and about me leaving him.

So back to the neuro clinic. When they were rude to me, I decided the hell with it. I was never sure what this appointment was going to accomplish. Don't get me wrong, I want the numbness and tingling to go away, but from everything I've been told it was going to take time. I don't want a bunch more tests and appointments, and besides I hate neurology. There I said it. This is my temper tantrum. I knew I was being ridiculous. I also know that I'm not hurting anyone else. But, you know what? This is something I can control and I needed it. So I'm not going to the stupid neurology clinic until January (unless there is a drastic change).

I thought about going home, but I realized then I would be late for my blood appointment. I opted instead to go to the hospital and get myself a bagel from the cafeteria. Then I headed up to the chemo waiting room where I surfed the internet on my ipad and read trashy magazines. I also took advantage of the free hot cocoa for the warmth. After an hour I finally headed back for my transfusions. I discovered that I was slated for two units of blood instead of one so I settled myself in for a few hours with big plans of reading a new book and organizing my life.

I fell asleep about 20 minutes later.

I slept through the first unit of blood. I enjoyed my 3 warm blankets and my dark curtained off chemo cubbyhole. It wasn't exactly quiet, but it's all noises I am intimately familiar and comfortable with. IV pumps, nurses talking at the desk, patients walking with their IV poles, etc. About halfway through the second unit of blood I found myself wide awake and energized. I swear whomever donated that unit drank 5 mountain dews and ate like 10 cookies right before donation. I've had transfusions before and I remember how much better a few units can make me feel, but this was nuts! I was bouncing off the walls. Suddenly I wanted to be done. I was done with my warm blankets. I didn't need them anymore and when I called Geoff to let him know I was leaving the hospital I believe he muttered something along the lines of "oh geez...I guess you ARE feeling better..."

I cranked the radio and sang along at the top of my lungs. When I got to Geoff's office I got out of the driver's seat and literally ran around to the passenger seat. After that I mellowed back out a little bit, but Geoff spent most of the way home trying to get me to promise to take a nap this afternoon so I wouldn't crash this evening.

I did eventually nap, but that killed the momentum. Don't get me wrong, I think it was the right move. After the nap I was able to keep a slightly slower than normal pace for the rest of the evening. We watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with the kids and tried to teach the kids the songs E needs to know for the Christmas pageant at church (he was not interested in learning them tonight, but Ella has one of them down).

Tomorrow I'm on my own with them and I'm optimistic that I'll have enough energy to cope. We can't go anywhere since I can't lift either of them and Ella doesn't climb in and out of the car the way E can. So we'll have a low key quiet day at home.

In case you are dying of curiosity, my cancer flare for the day is another button that says "I'm a real survivor" (the I is a palm tree and the survivor is in a font that mimics the tv show slogan). Selection was limited and this was appropriately cheesy without being related to breast or prostate cancer.