Ella was at daycare yesterday instead of Thursday this week, so it was just E and I. We made this change because of our visitors on Thursday and also because I was the parent helper at E's preschool yesterday.
I'm not sure I was much of a helper, but I had a great time. More than anything I found the experience to be enlightening. So many of E's new mannerisms and choices make more sense now (we figured they were related to preschool, but I could see exactly where they came from). I think E loved having me there and so did one of his best "girl" friends. The two of them used to go to Little Gym together and they love being in the same preschool class.
After preschool we had lunch and then the plan was we would both take naps. Depending on my nap I was debating riding my horse vs. buckling down and getting homework done. I figured I was going to have to just do the homework, but I was optimistic that I would only need a short nap and get some homework done before Geoff got home from work. In the end, I did neither.
I slept all afternoon. I didn't wake up until Geoff called to say he was one the way home from work. Then I started shivering, teeth chattering shivering, and I couldn't stop. I had a heating pad near me so I turned that on to high, but it made no difference. My joints were hurting excessively and the numbness/tingling in my hands and feet seemed out of control. The worst part was that I was excessively weak. I didn't even feel like I could stand up on my own.
I knew Geoff was almost home so I waited for him. He started a hot bath for me (don't tell anyone...the restoration people told us we could use the bath while we are waiting on new flooring if we put down a bunch of towels/bath mats). He also got me a warm flannel shirt and my chemo socks (warm wool socks that one of my friends sent me in a care package...I always used them on chemo nights when I would be excessively cold).
Geoff really is a pro at all of this. This minus the joint pain and numbness/tingling is what chemo days were like. In addition to running around and getting microwavable heat packs ready for when I'm done in the bath, he was trying to help balance my interactions with the kids. I can't hold them or do the things they want, but Ella was gone all day and constantly cries/yells "MAMA!" because she wants to be with me. Worse yet, she wants to be in the tub with me, but even though the water seemed icy cold to me it was too hot for her. It didn't even register on our safety duck-the high temp is 100 F.
After my short soak, Geoff tucked me back in with my heating pad and a couple microwavable heating packs. He put extra blankets on me and got me pain meds. While he was doing all of this I started throwing up. Geoff decided it was time to call the radiation oncology department. The resident he talked to thought it might be related to me starting Gabapentin, a med for the numbness/tingling in my fingers/toes, on Thursday. His other thought was possibly an infection. Since this scenario has happened so many times, we don't think it was a med reaction, but I'm being extra careful just in case.
Regardless, I ended up staying in bed all evening/night. I woke up at one point with a weird feeling that someone was looking at me. I opened my eyes and there was E smiling at me. He was waiting for his goodnight kiss. Later on, Geoff came to tell me he was going to walk with Ella to get her to sleep and I told him to lay her next to me. She cuddled in with me, closed her eyes and went to sleep almost immediately.
Today we had promised E we would take him to see the Santa train. My oldest brother shares E's love of trains and is also an ex Marine. A few weeks ago, he let us know that Santa would be coming through our town with Toys for Tots on a refurbished steam engine. We also had wanted to drive to northern WI to visit my grandparents after the train, but we realized last night that wasn't going to happen.
I'll do anything for my kids though. I don't care how miserable I am, I am able to find super strength when faced with potentially disappointing my kids. Worst case scenario, I would have sent Geoff with the kiddos to see the train, but I figured it was only 20 minutes or so. My brother texted me early this morning to let me know that the steam engine had mechanical failures so it was replaced with a passenger diesel.
E doesn't care if the train is a steam engine or a diesel. He just wanted to see Santa and the train. He couldn't have been more happy....until the train left. Then he was so sad that we drove a few minutes to the next stop to see the train again. All together we were gone for maybe an hour and by the time we got back home I was exhausted and needed a nap.
It kinda sucks when you feel like you are 80 years old, but it's pretty great that despite feeling miserable I could still make my kid's day. That's the advantage of my kids being so little as I go through all of this. I'm not constantly disappointing them.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon
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