In the moment

So I was home with the kiddos today and it was great. Not easy, but I love days with my kids. All of us are so much happier.

There were parts of the day were I feel like I wasn't been a great mom because I wasn't taking the kids outside or creating stimulating play environments, but we survived and we had fun.

I will admit we watched a lot of kid tv and I felt really guilty about it...but really who cares? I have a good reason AND we sing along and dance along and it spawns into crazy play scenarios for the three of us, so is it really the worst thing? Plus we all snuggle or E uses some of his tv time to sit on his potty chair and take his time going potty.

There were no temper tantrums.

The hardest part is still the whole can't lift the kids thing. In our house with many levels it is difficult to chase down a 1 year old that doesn't want to sit for a diaper change. I have to try to convince her to lay down or get her to at least sit down and then try to keep her occupied while I change her diaper. She always lets me get the diaper off and will usually sit while I clean her up, but when I go to put that clean diaper on, all bets are off...We have a streaker. Actually we have two.

So that's the hardest part of my day.

Geoff came home on his lunch break to help me get the kids down for naps and E was already asleep. He walked Wilco, our wiener dog (the Coonhounds were at doggy daycare, but Wilco stayed home with me today) and Ella and Ella came home asleep. All of us slept all afternoon until Geoff was on his way home from work. It was amazing!

Emotionally my day hasn't been as easy, but there are going to be days like this. On Monday my NP said something about the adrenaline that goes along with all the treatments, etc. has probably finally worn off and she's right. I never thought about it that way, but it's so true. Now the reality of everything is there, but I'm not in the midst of treatments that make it easy to have a tangible reminder of how lucky I am. It's easier now to realize that I still have months of recovery and my life will never be the same. In some ways that is good, really, but in a lot of other ways, there is still a lot of mental/emotional adjusting to do. I'll get there, but I need to give myself some time to grieve too.

The hardest part right now is the whole school/work thing. I'm glad I took a break from school and I'm glad I'm not working right now, BUT...there is a lot of self-worth associated with both of those things. I'm not ready to resume either right away, but every time I start to feel better it is the first thing I start to think about. I have a hard time when people ask me what I am doing right now being ok with admitting I'm not doing anything. It's hard for me to just say (in fact I don't think I've ever said it...) "I'm a cancer patient right now." Even as I write that I think, but I don't have cancer anymore. Oh well, I'll figure it out. Or not. I really don't have to. I'll just continue to take each day as it comes and say what works at the moment.

In the meantime, I'm going to get some more rest and look forward to taking E to preschool tomorrow by myself.