The magic of the transfusion is wearing off. I'm finding myself very tired, a little cranky, and occasionally cold again. On that note, I'm going to keep this very brief...
I saw a quote on the Facebook page of someone I greatly admire today. It felt right to me so I decided to share:
♥ I am STRONG because I know weakness • I am
COMPASSIONATE because I have experienced suffering • I am ALIVE because I
am a fighter • I am WISE because I've been foolish • I can LAUGH
because I have known sadness • I can LOVE because I've known loss ♥
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
In the moment
So I was home with the kiddos today and it was great. Not easy, but I love days with my kids. All of us are so much happier.
There were parts of the day were I feel like I wasn't been a great mom because I wasn't taking the kids outside or creating stimulating play environments, but we survived and we had fun.
I will admit we watched a lot of kid tv and I felt really guilty about it...but really who cares? I have a good reason AND we sing along and dance along and it spawns into crazy play scenarios for the three of us, so is it really the worst thing? Plus we all snuggle or E uses some of his tv time to sit on his potty chair and take his time going potty.
There were no temper tantrums.
The hardest part is still the whole can't lift the kids thing. In our house with many levels it is difficult to chase down a 1 year old that doesn't want to sit for a diaper change. I have to try to convince her to lay down or get her to at least sit down and then try to keep her occupied while I change her diaper. She always lets me get the diaper off and will usually sit while I clean her up, but when I go to put that clean diaper on, all bets are off...We have a streaker. Actually we have two.
So that's the hardest part of my day.
Geoff came home on his lunch break to help me get the kids down for naps and E was already asleep. He walked Wilco, our wiener dog (the Coonhounds were at doggy daycare, but Wilco stayed home with me today) and Ella and Ella came home asleep. All of us slept all afternoon until Geoff was on his way home from work. It was amazing!
Emotionally my day hasn't been as easy, but there are going to be days like this. On Monday my NP said something about the adrenaline that goes along with all the treatments, etc. has probably finally worn off and she's right. I never thought about it that way, but it's so true. Now the reality of everything is there, but I'm not in the midst of treatments that make it easy to have a tangible reminder of how lucky I am. It's easier now to realize that I still have months of recovery and my life will never be the same. In some ways that is good, really, but in a lot of other ways, there is still a lot of mental/emotional adjusting to do. I'll get there, but I need to give myself some time to grieve too.
The hardest part right now is the whole school/work thing. I'm glad I took a break from school and I'm glad I'm not working right now, BUT...there is a lot of self-worth associated with both of those things. I'm not ready to resume either right away, but every time I start to feel better it is the first thing I start to think about. I have a hard time when people ask me what I am doing right now being ok with admitting I'm not doing anything. It's hard for me to just say (in fact I don't think I've ever said it...) "I'm a cancer patient right now." Even as I write that I think, but I don't have cancer anymore. Oh well, I'll figure it out. Or not. I really don't have to. I'll just continue to take each day as it comes and say what works at the moment.
In the meantime, I'm going to get some more rest and look forward to taking E to preschool tomorrow by myself.
There were parts of the day were I feel like I wasn't been a great mom because I wasn't taking the kids outside or creating stimulating play environments, but we survived and we had fun.
I will admit we watched a lot of kid tv and I felt really guilty about it...but really who cares? I have a good reason AND we sing along and dance along and it spawns into crazy play scenarios for the three of us, so is it really the worst thing? Plus we all snuggle or E uses some of his tv time to sit on his potty chair and take his time going potty.
There were no temper tantrums.
The hardest part is still the whole can't lift the kids thing. In our house with many levels it is difficult to chase down a 1 year old that doesn't want to sit for a diaper change. I have to try to convince her to lay down or get her to at least sit down and then try to keep her occupied while I change her diaper. She always lets me get the diaper off and will usually sit while I clean her up, but when I go to put that clean diaper on, all bets are off...We have a streaker. Actually we have two.
So that's the hardest part of my day.
Geoff came home on his lunch break to help me get the kids down for naps and E was already asleep. He walked Wilco, our wiener dog (the Coonhounds were at doggy daycare, but Wilco stayed home with me today) and Ella and Ella came home asleep. All of us slept all afternoon until Geoff was on his way home from work. It was amazing!
Emotionally my day hasn't been as easy, but there are going to be days like this. On Monday my NP said something about the adrenaline that goes along with all the treatments, etc. has probably finally worn off and she's right. I never thought about it that way, but it's so true. Now the reality of everything is there, but I'm not in the midst of treatments that make it easy to have a tangible reminder of how lucky I am. It's easier now to realize that I still have months of recovery and my life will never be the same. In some ways that is good, really, but in a lot of other ways, there is still a lot of mental/emotional adjusting to do. I'll get there, but I need to give myself some time to grieve too.
The hardest part right now is the whole school/work thing. I'm glad I took a break from school and I'm glad I'm not working right now, BUT...there is a lot of self-worth associated with both of those things. I'm not ready to resume either right away, but every time I start to feel better it is the first thing I start to think about. I have a hard time when people ask me what I am doing right now being ok with admitting I'm not doing anything. It's hard for me to just say (in fact I don't think I've ever said it...) "I'm a cancer patient right now." Even as I write that I think, but I don't have cancer anymore. Oh well, I'll figure it out. Or not. I really don't have to. I'll just continue to take each day as it comes and say what works at the moment.
In the meantime, I'm going to get some more rest and look forward to taking E to preschool tomorrow by myself.
Temper tantrums
I skipped my neuro appointment.
Ok, not exactly. More like I missed it, but I had options...It went like this.
I got up with Geoff and the kids and we all drove together. I've been so exhausted and having such poor ability to concentrate it hasn't made sense to drive. At the same time, I didn't want Geoff to miss more work to drive me from one medical building to the hospital and then pick me back up when I was done with my blood. Instead I rode with him. We dropped the dogs off at doggy daycare. We dropped the kids off at daycare. I dropped him off at work, and then I went on my way.
The plan was I would pick him up when I was done with my transfusion and he would drive me home on his lunch break. Then he would go back to work and bring everyone home like normal.
By the time we were almost at the kid's daycare I realized it was getting really tight. Geoff offered to change the plan and drop me off instead, but I refused. He's missed enough work lately and I was looking forward to my few minutes of freedom. I had about 2 miles to drive to get to my appointment. My appointment was scheduled for 8:30 and at about 8:35 I called the clinic to say I was just about to the parking lot and I was running a few minutes behind. They told me I would probably have to reschedule. I told them fine. They offered me a few spots in December. I told them I would rather not come until January.
So here is the deal. They ticked me off. Not because they were busy and couldn't accommodate me. I'm constantly running late. I don't know how other people with small children do it. I've never figured it out. Actually it is Geoff and I. We are a terrible combination for tardiness. In this case though, the neurology clinic staff was exceptionally rude.
I had already had a rough morning dealing with multiple temper tantrums from a three year old who kept me up part of the night because he decided to have a party in his room at 4 am. I snoozed an extra 5 minutes, so maybe that would have saved me, but I don't think that was what killed me. It was the only mommy can get me dressed temper tantrum as Geoff tried to dress him and I dressed Ella. Then it was the "no, I want you to carry me down the stairs Mommy" temper tantrum and the "I neeeeed you to put my shoes on (because I can't do it myself today) Mommy" temper tantrum. Then there was another about getting everything into the car and another about getting him into the car. It was absurd. It was also obvious that he was extremely overtired. There were more tears shed about going to daycare and about getting out of the car and about me leaving him.
So back to the neuro clinic. When they were rude to me, I decided the hell with it. I was never sure what this appointment was going to accomplish. Don't get me wrong, I want the numbness and tingling to go away, but from everything I've been told it was going to take time. I don't want a bunch more tests and appointments, and besides I hate neurology. There I said it. This is my temper tantrum. I knew I was being ridiculous. I also know that I'm not hurting anyone else. But, you know what? This is something I can control and I needed it. So I'm not going to the stupid neurology clinic until January (unless there is a drastic change).
I thought about going home, but I realized then I would be late for my blood appointment. I opted instead to go to the hospital and get myself a bagel from the cafeteria. Then I headed up to the chemo waiting room where I surfed the internet on my ipad and read trashy magazines. I also took advantage of the free hot cocoa for the warmth. After an hour I finally headed back for my transfusions. I discovered that I was slated for two units of blood instead of one so I settled myself in for a few hours with big plans of reading a new book and organizing my life.
I fell asleep about 20 minutes later.
I slept through the first unit of blood. I enjoyed my 3 warm blankets and my dark curtained off chemo cubbyhole. It wasn't exactly quiet, but it's all noises I am intimately familiar and comfortable with. IV pumps, nurses talking at the desk, patients walking with their IV poles, etc. About halfway through the second unit of blood I found myself wide awake and energized. I swear whomever donated that unit drank 5 mountain dews and ate like 10 cookies right before donation. I've had transfusions before and I remember how much better a few units can make me feel, but this was nuts! I was bouncing off the walls. Suddenly I wanted to be done. I was done with my warm blankets. I didn't need them anymore and when I called Geoff to let him know I was leaving the hospital I believe he muttered something along the lines of "oh geez...I guess you ARE feeling better..."
I cranked the radio and sang along at the top of my lungs. When I got to Geoff's office I got out of the driver's seat and literally ran around to the passenger seat. After that I mellowed back out a little bit, but Geoff spent most of the way home trying to get me to promise to take a nap this afternoon so I wouldn't crash this evening.
I did eventually nap, but that killed the momentum. Don't get me wrong, I think it was the right move. After the nap I was able to keep a slightly slower than normal pace for the rest of the evening. We watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with the kids and tried to teach the kids the songs E needs to know for the Christmas pageant at church (he was not interested in learning them tonight, but Ella has one of them down).
Tomorrow I'm on my own with them and I'm optimistic that I'll have enough energy to cope. We can't go anywhere since I can't lift either of them and Ella doesn't climb in and out of the car the way E can. So we'll have a low key quiet day at home.
In case you are dying of curiosity, my cancer flare for the day is another button that says "I'm a real survivor" (the I is a palm tree and the survivor is in a font that mimics the tv show slogan). Selection was limited and this was appropriately cheesy without being related to breast or prostate cancer.
Ok, not exactly. More like I missed it, but I had options...It went like this.
I got up with Geoff and the kids and we all drove together. I've been so exhausted and having such poor ability to concentrate it hasn't made sense to drive. At the same time, I didn't want Geoff to miss more work to drive me from one medical building to the hospital and then pick me back up when I was done with my blood. Instead I rode with him. We dropped the dogs off at doggy daycare. We dropped the kids off at daycare. I dropped him off at work, and then I went on my way.
The plan was I would pick him up when I was done with my transfusion and he would drive me home on his lunch break. Then he would go back to work and bring everyone home like normal.
By the time we were almost at the kid's daycare I realized it was getting really tight. Geoff offered to change the plan and drop me off instead, but I refused. He's missed enough work lately and I was looking forward to my few minutes of freedom. I had about 2 miles to drive to get to my appointment. My appointment was scheduled for 8:30 and at about 8:35 I called the clinic to say I was just about to the parking lot and I was running a few minutes behind. They told me I would probably have to reschedule. I told them fine. They offered me a few spots in December. I told them I would rather not come until January.
So here is the deal. They ticked me off. Not because they were busy and couldn't accommodate me. I'm constantly running late. I don't know how other people with small children do it. I've never figured it out. Actually it is Geoff and I. We are a terrible combination for tardiness. In this case though, the neurology clinic staff was exceptionally rude.
I had already had a rough morning dealing with multiple temper tantrums from a three year old who kept me up part of the night because he decided to have a party in his room at 4 am. I snoozed an extra 5 minutes, so maybe that would have saved me, but I don't think that was what killed me. It was the only mommy can get me dressed temper tantrum as Geoff tried to dress him and I dressed Ella. Then it was the "no, I want you to carry me down the stairs Mommy" temper tantrum and the "I neeeeed you to put my shoes on (because I can't do it myself today) Mommy" temper tantrum. Then there was another about getting everything into the car and another about getting him into the car. It was absurd. It was also obvious that he was extremely overtired. There were more tears shed about going to daycare and about getting out of the car and about me leaving him.
So back to the neuro clinic. When they were rude to me, I decided the hell with it. I was never sure what this appointment was going to accomplish. Don't get me wrong, I want the numbness and tingling to go away, but from everything I've been told it was going to take time. I don't want a bunch more tests and appointments, and besides I hate neurology. There I said it. This is my temper tantrum. I knew I was being ridiculous. I also know that I'm not hurting anyone else. But, you know what? This is something I can control and I needed it. So I'm not going to the stupid neurology clinic until January (unless there is a drastic change).
I thought about going home, but I realized then I would be late for my blood appointment. I opted instead to go to the hospital and get myself a bagel from the cafeteria. Then I headed up to the chemo waiting room where I surfed the internet on my ipad and read trashy magazines. I also took advantage of the free hot cocoa for the warmth. After an hour I finally headed back for my transfusions. I discovered that I was slated for two units of blood instead of one so I settled myself in for a few hours with big plans of reading a new book and organizing my life.
I fell asleep about 20 minutes later.
I slept through the first unit of blood. I enjoyed my 3 warm blankets and my dark curtained off chemo cubbyhole. It wasn't exactly quiet, but it's all noises I am intimately familiar and comfortable with. IV pumps, nurses talking at the desk, patients walking with their IV poles, etc. About halfway through the second unit of blood I found myself wide awake and energized. I swear whomever donated that unit drank 5 mountain dews and ate like 10 cookies right before donation. I've had transfusions before and I remember how much better a few units can make me feel, but this was nuts! I was bouncing off the walls. Suddenly I wanted to be done. I was done with my warm blankets. I didn't need them anymore and when I called Geoff to let him know I was leaving the hospital I believe he muttered something along the lines of "oh geez...I guess you ARE feeling better..."
I cranked the radio and sang along at the top of my lungs. When I got to Geoff's office I got out of the driver's seat and literally ran around to the passenger seat. After that I mellowed back out a little bit, but Geoff spent most of the way home trying to get me to promise to take a nap this afternoon so I wouldn't crash this evening.
I did eventually nap, but that killed the momentum. Don't get me wrong, I think it was the right move. After the nap I was able to keep a slightly slower than normal pace for the rest of the evening. We watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with the kids and tried to teach the kids the songs E needs to know for the Christmas pageant at church (he was not interested in learning them tonight, but Ella has one of them down).
Tomorrow I'm on my own with them and I'm optimistic that I'll have enough energy to cope. We can't go anywhere since I can't lift either of them and Ella doesn't climb in and out of the car the way E can. So we'll have a low key quiet day at home.
In case you are dying of curiosity, my cancer flare for the day is another button that says "I'm a real survivor" (the I is a palm tree and the survivor is in a font that mimics the tv show slogan). Selection was limited and this was appropriately cheesy without being related to breast or prostate cancer.
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Vampire Diaries
So I have missed a few posts lately and I could easily attribute it to the season, but that's not it...
I had no wi-fi at my parent's last weekend, but I still could have posted from my phone, used my parent's computer (which did have wi-fi ironically), or gone somewhere else. I also could have written my post without a connection and posted when I did have a connection, but that thought never occurred to me. The reality is, I had budgeted and expended all of my energy before realizing the difficulty with internet.
Last night I didn't have an internet connection issues, I just had energy issues. I fell asleep on the couch at 8pm. I was asleep before either of my kids. When Geoff woke me up to go upstairs, I had no interest and wanted to stay on the couch, but he convinced me to come upstairs for the kid's story time. As soon as we were done I went to bed.
In addition to falling asleep at an abnormally early time, I have also been unusually cold, ridiculously irritable, and completely exhausted. I can't think straight and I certainly can't concentrate. I am so relieved that I took a break from school, I don't know what I would have done otherwise. All I want to do is hibernate. Last night when I fell asleep on the couch I had the fireplace on and I was sleeping with a heating pad for my back and another on my stomach. That was blissful, everything else is torture.
So I'm still anemic.
Usually when I'm anemic I crave red meat, but not this time. Right now it repulses me. One of my favorite drinks is Kale and Apple Juice, but right now it holds no special appeal to me. Regardless Geoff picked some up for me from the co-op last night.
So this morning we went to my nearly 2 week post-op check up. My wonderful NP asked how I was doing and I told her everything as I sipped my Kale Apple Juice. Her theory was that I am still anemic and chemo/radiation/surgery has finally caught up with me. She told me I still deserve a super-hero cape (god, I love her), but I need to rest! She looked at the incision in my belly button and agreed that it looks good. We also met with my gyn oncologist/surgeon and I now have 3 weeks until my next appointment. The best part of today? I did not have to remove my pants!
After my appointment I headed to the lab. I decided to have my port accessed so it could have it's required monthly flush. The port worked beautifully. Seriously, better than ever.
This afternoon I got the results and I am still anemic. My levels have come up some in the past two weeks (for those who understand...my H & H is now 9 & 26), but my NP still offered a transfusion. I feel like crap, so it didn't take me long to decide. What the hell? Tomorrow morning I have a neurology appointment (for all the numbness & tingling in my fingers...I don't know what they are going to do, but again what the hell do I have to loose?) and then I have an appointment in my good ole chemo stomping grounds for a blood transfusion. I'm looking forward to getting more cancer flare.
We'll see how it goes. I'm pretty optimistic.
If I'm completely honest though, I wish I was giving blood instead of taking. I've donated blood since my 16th birthday (the blood mobile was at my school that day and I used it as an opportunity to get out of a class). When Ella was born I needed a few units. I planned to give blood as soon after her 1st birthday as I could arrange (you can't give blood for a year after a transfusion), but then I found out a week before her birthday that I had cancer.
Now I don't know when or if I'll be able to donate blood again. It's my nature to want to give and not take so it bothers me that even though this is by choice, I'm taking. So since I can't give myself, I'm going to ask that if you want to help me, donate blood. I can't do it, but many of you can. Even if one of you donates blood you can replace the blood I'm going to use tomorrow. I promise your sacrifice will be appreciated!
I had no wi-fi at my parent's last weekend, but I still could have posted from my phone, used my parent's computer (which did have wi-fi ironically), or gone somewhere else. I also could have written my post without a connection and posted when I did have a connection, but that thought never occurred to me. The reality is, I had budgeted and expended all of my energy before realizing the difficulty with internet.
Last night I didn't have an internet connection issues, I just had energy issues. I fell asleep on the couch at 8pm. I was asleep before either of my kids. When Geoff woke me up to go upstairs, I had no interest and wanted to stay on the couch, but he convinced me to come upstairs for the kid's story time. As soon as we were done I went to bed.
In addition to falling asleep at an abnormally early time, I have also been unusually cold, ridiculously irritable, and completely exhausted. I can't think straight and I certainly can't concentrate. I am so relieved that I took a break from school, I don't know what I would have done otherwise. All I want to do is hibernate. Last night when I fell asleep on the couch I had the fireplace on and I was sleeping with a heating pad for my back and another on my stomach. That was blissful, everything else is torture.
So I'm still anemic.
Usually when I'm anemic I crave red meat, but not this time. Right now it repulses me. One of my favorite drinks is Kale and Apple Juice, but right now it holds no special appeal to me. Regardless Geoff picked some up for me from the co-op last night.
So this morning we went to my nearly 2 week post-op check up. My wonderful NP asked how I was doing and I told her everything as I sipped my Kale Apple Juice. Her theory was that I am still anemic and chemo/radiation/surgery has finally caught up with me. She told me I still deserve a super-hero cape (god, I love her), but I need to rest! She looked at the incision in my belly button and agreed that it looks good. We also met with my gyn oncologist/surgeon and I now have 3 weeks until my next appointment. The best part of today? I did not have to remove my pants!
After my appointment I headed to the lab. I decided to have my port accessed so it could have it's required monthly flush. The port worked beautifully. Seriously, better than ever.
This afternoon I got the results and I am still anemic. My levels have come up some in the past two weeks (for those who understand...my H & H is now 9 & 26), but my NP still offered a transfusion. I feel like crap, so it didn't take me long to decide. What the hell? Tomorrow morning I have a neurology appointment (for all the numbness & tingling in my fingers...I don't know what they are going to do, but again what the hell do I have to loose?) and then I have an appointment in my good ole chemo stomping grounds for a blood transfusion. I'm looking forward to getting more cancer flare.
We'll see how it goes. I'm pretty optimistic.
If I'm completely honest though, I wish I was giving blood instead of taking. I've donated blood since my 16th birthday (the blood mobile was at my school that day and I used it as an opportunity to get out of a class). When Ella was born I needed a few units. I planned to give blood as soon after her 1st birthday as I could arrange (you can't give blood for a year after a transfusion), but then I found out a week before her birthday that I had cancer.
Now I don't know when or if I'll be able to donate blood again. It's my nature to want to give and not take so it bothers me that even though this is by choice, I'm taking. So since I can't give myself, I'm going to ask that if you want to help me, donate blood. I can't do it, but many of you can. Even if one of you donates blood you can replace the blood I'm going to use tomorrow. I promise your sacrifice will be appreciated!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Happy to be Home
This weekend has been all about being happy to home...
On Thursday we went to my childhood home. We planned on spending the Holiday and the night. My mom volunteered to stay home with the munchkins in the wee sleeping hours so Geoff and I could do some Black Friday shopping. To us it was less about the great deals and more about the freedom and the adventure. In the end, we didn't stay out very late/early and opted instead for sleep and a little sleeping in before mom and I headed back out for shopping.
We all had fun with random deal shopping and being in Appleton so we decided to stay an extra night. Overall this worked well for us. The kids had fun, as did the dogs, and by the looks of the house when we came home, so did the cats.
Later this afternoon we came home to our house. As always it is sweet to come home. The kids took baths and went to bed early (early for our standards). Actually so did the dogs, cats, and bunny too.
I loved being home for a few days and I love being in my own home even more.
On Thursday we went to my childhood home. We planned on spending the Holiday and the night. My mom volunteered to stay home with the munchkins in the wee sleeping hours so Geoff and I could do some Black Friday shopping. To us it was less about the great deals and more about the freedom and the adventure. In the end, we didn't stay out very late/early and opted instead for sleep and a little sleeping in before mom and I headed back out for shopping.
We all had fun with random deal shopping and being in Appleton so we decided to stay an extra night. Overall this worked well for us. The kids had fun, as did the dogs, and by the looks of the house when we came home, so did the cats.
Later this afternoon we came home to our house. As always it is sweet to come home. The kids took baths and went to bed early (early for our standards). Actually so did the dogs, cats, and bunny too.
I loved being home for a few days and I love being in my own home even more.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thankful
Yesterday I didn't write because I slept most of the day. In fact, I pretty much slept from the time I wrote my post Monday afternoon until noon yesterday. Then I took a shower and got dressed, took a nap, went to a silly preschool conference, Target, and checked on Aggie (my horse) and back home to put the kids to bed and sleep some more.
I ended up with what whatever viral/flu-ish crud E has (Ella has it too) so it wasn't completely blissful, but for the most part I enjoyed being able to sleep. I also started a trashy non-textbook, but only read a chapter or two, and I knitted a little bit.
I'll be honest. I am completely thankful that I took a break from school. I am exhausted and I do need this. I just needed some sleep to really realize it. Now my biggest problem is deciding what to do with my free-time. Sleep, knit, quilt, games or crafts or other with the kids, make Christmas presents, decorate for Christmas, or oh wait, I'm supposed to be relaxing...
Today I was home alone with the kids (this is significant because I have restrictions such as no lifting my kids, etc...). I knitted and read, made Turkey crafts with the kids, read a bunch of Curious George and other books, watched some tv, and took it as easy as I could....but...There is always a but, isn't there? I forgot to take pain meds all day. Geoff came home to find me curled in a ball crying. We decided this was an appropriate circumstance to upgrade to Vicodin and I curled up with my beloved heating pad. An hour later and all was well again. (I am VERY thankful for pain meds!)
This evening we received a phone call that made my day seem inconsequential. Geoff's parents called to let us know that family that was visiting Geoff's grandparents in Australia had just flew home to the US a week early. Apparently a loved one not related to us wasn't feeling well and tests revealed end stage lung cancer. Neither of us have ever met this person, but this news had Geoff and I crying.
We decided to take the kids for a ride to get them to sleep so we could talk about how we hurt for the family members we do know and the family members we don't know. We hurt for the similarities to our own journey and our own "what if" fears. Most of all, we needed to talk about how much we are thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
I ended up with what whatever viral/flu-ish crud E has (Ella has it too) so it wasn't completely blissful, but for the most part I enjoyed being able to sleep. I also started a trashy non-textbook, but only read a chapter or two, and I knitted a little bit.
I'll be honest. I am completely thankful that I took a break from school. I am exhausted and I do need this. I just needed some sleep to really realize it. Now my biggest problem is deciding what to do with my free-time. Sleep, knit, quilt, games or crafts or other with the kids, make Christmas presents, decorate for Christmas, or oh wait, I'm supposed to be relaxing...
Today I was home alone with the kids (this is significant because I have restrictions such as no lifting my kids, etc...). I knitted and read, made Turkey crafts with the kids, read a bunch of Curious George and other books, watched some tv, and took it as easy as I could....but...There is always a but, isn't there? I forgot to take pain meds all day. Geoff came home to find me curled in a ball crying. We decided this was an appropriate circumstance to upgrade to Vicodin and I curled up with my beloved heating pad. An hour later and all was well again. (I am VERY thankful for pain meds!)
This evening we received a phone call that made my day seem inconsequential. Geoff's parents called to let us know that family that was visiting Geoff's grandparents in Australia had just flew home to the US a week early. Apparently a loved one not related to us wasn't feeling well and tests revealed end stage lung cancer. Neither of us have ever met this person, but this news had Geoff and I crying.
We decided to take the kids for a ride to get them to sleep so we could talk about how we hurt for the family members we do know and the family members we don't know. We hurt for the similarities to our own journey and our own "what if" fears. Most of all, we needed to talk about how much we are thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Black Monday
It's almost 3pm and I am done with today. Really the only good thing I can say about is that in 9 hours it will be done.
The day started with me getting up to help Geoff get E to preschool. E normally only goes to preschool on Thursdays and Fridays, but since there is no preschool during Thanksgiving he was doing a makeup day today. Geoff and I were talking to E about getting dressed at the top of the stairs and suddenly E threw up. And then again and again...So instead of preschool E got another bath and an appointment with the pediatrician.
Of course all of this woke up Ella and this is also the exact time that my mom and brother showed up to help. Which would have been great, but no one knew how to help. Instead everyone seemed to be running in different directions and then Geoff left for work.
The craziness never stopped for me. There were miscommunications and everyone seemed to be generally frustrated. I decided to go to the grocery store to get some pedialyte and white bread for E. I got in the express check out line and put my stuff down on the conveyor belt. As I was digging in my purse for my debit card, the old lady ahead of me was charged for my purchases. Of course no one noticed until the grocery store attendant went to bag the lady's groceries. I looked up and realized those were my purchases and spoke up. The attendant gave me the dirtiest look and was quite exasperated with me. She sent the lady to the service desk for a refund and re-rang my purchases up, this time charging me instead. Somehow though she made it seem like I had tried to steal from the elderly. On my way out, I made sure to apologize to the sweet old lady again, and then I started crying.
I've been doing great with recovery so far, but today I hurt and I don't feel good. Combine that with E and all the insanity of our house and I really just needed a nap. Meanwhile I get home to more insanity. It took until 11am before I was able to sit down and have 2 slices of toast and a glass of juice myself (please note that I had made toast for myself prior to this point but all of my toast was devoured by one of my 2 kids whom had already had their own breakfast and was ready for seconds)...also note: This is why food help makes such a big difference!
So I decided that maybe I would try to take a nap. I went upstairs and made the mistake of checking my email. Last Friday I decided to apply for a few positions at UW. I am currently still employed by Watertown, but I have no position and there aren't any OB/Gyn positions posted. In fact, there are only 2 positions posted total and I have no urge to work in Float pool or their general floor. I've missed UW and after being a patient these last few months I have renewed respect so I was pretty excited and optimistic about applying. Apparently I was delusional because I got a mass rejection letter in my email today. I called to talk to the HR person and was transferred to voicemail so I left a message and decided instead to mess around with my iPad.
Yesterday E deleted most of the main icons on my iPad...such as the Safari, Email, Music, Videos, in addition to Facebook (and recently YouTube). It was annoying but I restored most everything so I decided to really try for a nap. 10 minutes later in walks Geoff to take E to his pediatrician appointment.
I declared I was going to stay home and sleep since I was cold, achy, nauseous...Geoff agreed, but E threw an epic temper-tantrum. He screamed "I WANT MOMMY!!!!" loud enough that I probably don't even have to tell you this part. For everyone's sake I reconsidered my nap and away we went leaving Ella with Grandma (and uncle Kevin).
At the pediatrician's office E wanted me to hold him or pick him up. He knows I can't carry him right now, but that doesn't always matter. I feel terrible and so does Geoff, but E only seems to want what he can't have. I'm sure everyone else listening to us is wondering why that mom refuses to pick up her child, but whatever.
As soon as the pediatrician entered the room, UW HR called. I quietly excused myself and went outside to talk. As it turns out they really won't consider me for the pediatric positions I applied for because I have no prior pediatric experience and most any other position they won't consider me for because I'm in midwifery school and they figure I'm going to leave them in a year or so. Basically my only option is to call my former manager and ask him if he would consider rehiring me. So I started crying again.
I pulled myself back together and went back inside. Before I even got to E's exam room I heard him screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO! I NEED MOMMY!!! I NEED MOMMY!!!" I entered to find the pediatrician trying to listen to his heart through her stethoscope. She may now be deaf.
Her suspicion is E has some horrible version of the flu going around. She figures he may be over the worst of it and she gave us a list of foods to not give him, but most everything else is fair game. We'll see about that. Maybe we will wait to try expanding food choices until we have a clean rag towel in our house. Currently the other 300 towels are covered in vomit or in the laundry.
Had enough yet? So had I.
E threw more temper tantrums leaving the clinic and even more on the way home. Btw, this is not at all normal for him. He screamed the whole way home about wanting to go to the park and yelled at us to "stop the car! stop the car right now!" Then we got home and the drama continued over removing his shoes and jacket. He yelled at Geoff "Daddy you need to go back to work! Go!" *eye roll* None of us were impressed. My mother chimes in that this is how he has been treating her and that he doesn't seem to love her anymore. I know it's hard to be targeted by the bullying of a 3 year old, but I just can't calm him down and reassure adults right now. I was ready to cry again.
So my phone rings.
I look at the clock and of course, it's 2pm. Time for my conference call the with director of the midwifery program at my school. As I have mentioned before ALL of my professors want me to take an emergency academic hiatus. I have refused profusely, but this week my adviser and another professor finally wore me down. I agreed to consider it. It isn't what I wanted, but I'm so tired and stressed that I decided maybe it is for the best. I agreed to it. Paperwork is done and submitted and crying has recommenced.
So now I don't have cancer, but I'm on a medical leave from my job, but I don't actually have a position at my job. My former employer has nearly 80 positions available to external candidates, but I don't qualify for many and the rest they won't consider me for because I am in midwifery school. Except I'm not actually in midwifery school at the moment because everything thinks I need a break to deal with my health. Meanwhile I can't get a break because my sick 3 year old demon wants all my time and attention or screams at the top of his lungs and throws up.
So back to what I said before...only 8.5 hours until today is done. Both kids are currently sleeping and hopefully soon I will be too...except I think I'm going to keep sleeping until tomorrow. It's not like I have anything to get up for...no school...no job...and a whole lot of self-pity....scratch that, I need to get up and eat some of the amazing food from yesterday, but then I'm going back to bed before I start contemplating working at McDonalds or a gas station (not that those aren't valid jobs, but considering all my years of school and experience...I feel pretty crappy!)
The day started with me getting up to help Geoff get E to preschool. E normally only goes to preschool on Thursdays and Fridays, but since there is no preschool during Thanksgiving he was doing a makeup day today. Geoff and I were talking to E about getting dressed at the top of the stairs and suddenly E threw up. And then again and again...So instead of preschool E got another bath and an appointment with the pediatrician.
Of course all of this woke up Ella and this is also the exact time that my mom and brother showed up to help. Which would have been great, but no one knew how to help. Instead everyone seemed to be running in different directions and then Geoff left for work.
The craziness never stopped for me. There were miscommunications and everyone seemed to be generally frustrated. I decided to go to the grocery store to get some pedialyte and white bread for E. I got in the express check out line and put my stuff down on the conveyor belt. As I was digging in my purse for my debit card, the old lady ahead of me was charged for my purchases. Of course no one noticed until the grocery store attendant went to bag the lady's groceries. I looked up and realized those were my purchases and spoke up. The attendant gave me the dirtiest look and was quite exasperated with me. She sent the lady to the service desk for a refund and re-rang my purchases up, this time charging me instead. Somehow though she made it seem like I had tried to steal from the elderly. On my way out, I made sure to apologize to the sweet old lady again, and then I started crying.
I've been doing great with recovery so far, but today I hurt and I don't feel good. Combine that with E and all the insanity of our house and I really just needed a nap. Meanwhile I get home to more insanity. It took until 11am before I was able to sit down and have 2 slices of toast and a glass of juice myself (please note that I had made toast for myself prior to this point but all of my toast was devoured by one of my 2 kids whom had already had their own breakfast and was ready for seconds)...also note: This is why food help makes such a big difference!
So I decided that maybe I would try to take a nap. I went upstairs and made the mistake of checking my email. Last Friday I decided to apply for a few positions at UW. I am currently still employed by Watertown, but I have no position and there aren't any OB/Gyn positions posted. In fact, there are only 2 positions posted total and I have no urge to work in Float pool or their general floor. I've missed UW and after being a patient these last few months I have renewed respect so I was pretty excited and optimistic about applying. Apparently I was delusional because I got a mass rejection letter in my email today. I called to talk to the HR person and was transferred to voicemail so I left a message and decided instead to mess around with my iPad.
Yesterday E deleted most of the main icons on my iPad...such as the Safari, Email, Music, Videos, in addition to Facebook (and recently YouTube). It was annoying but I restored most everything so I decided to really try for a nap. 10 minutes later in walks Geoff to take E to his pediatrician appointment.
I declared I was going to stay home and sleep since I was cold, achy, nauseous...Geoff agreed, but E threw an epic temper-tantrum. He screamed "I WANT MOMMY!!!!" loud enough that I probably don't even have to tell you this part. For everyone's sake I reconsidered my nap and away we went leaving Ella with Grandma (and uncle Kevin).
At the pediatrician's office E wanted me to hold him or pick him up. He knows I can't carry him right now, but that doesn't always matter. I feel terrible and so does Geoff, but E only seems to want what he can't have. I'm sure everyone else listening to us is wondering why that mom refuses to pick up her child, but whatever.
As soon as the pediatrician entered the room, UW HR called. I quietly excused myself and went outside to talk. As it turns out they really won't consider me for the pediatric positions I applied for because I have no prior pediatric experience and most any other position they won't consider me for because I'm in midwifery school and they figure I'm going to leave them in a year or so. Basically my only option is to call my former manager and ask him if he would consider rehiring me. So I started crying again.
I pulled myself back together and went back inside. Before I even got to E's exam room I heard him screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO! I NEED MOMMY!!! I NEED MOMMY!!!" I entered to find the pediatrician trying to listen to his heart through her stethoscope. She may now be deaf.
Her suspicion is E has some horrible version of the flu going around. She figures he may be over the worst of it and she gave us a list of foods to not give him, but most everything else is fair game. We'll see about that. Maybe we will wait to try expanding food choices until we have a clean rag towel in our house. Currently the other 300 towels are covered in vomit or in the laundry.
Had enough yet? So had I.
E threw more temper tantrums leaving the clinic and even more on the way home. Btw, this is not at all normal for him. He screamed the whole way home about wanting to go to the park and yelled at us to "stop the car! stop the car right now!" Then we got home and the drama continued over removing his shoes and jacket. He yelled at Geoff "Daddy you need to go back to work! Go!" *eye roll* None of us were impressed. My mother chimes in that this is how he has been treating her and that he doesn't seem to love her anymore. I know it's hard to be targeted by the bullying of a 3 year old, but I just can't calm him down and reassure adults right now. I was ready to cry again.
So my phone rings.
I look at the clock and of course, it's 2pm. Time for my conference call the with director of the midwifery program at my school. As I have mentioned before ALL of my professors want me to take an emergency academic hiatus. I have refused profusely, but this week my adviser and another professor finally wore me down. I agreed to consider it. It isn't what I wanted, but I'm so tired and stressed that I decided maybe it is for the best. I agreed to it. Paperwork is done and submitted and crying has recommenced.
So now I don't have cancer, but I'm on a medical leave from my job, but I don't actually have a position at my job. My former employer has nearly 80 positions available to external candidates, but I don't qualify for many and the rest they won't consider me for because I am in midwifery school. Except I'm not actually in midwifery school at the moment because everything thinks I need a break to deal with my health. Meanwhile I can't get a break because my sick 3 year old demon wants all my time and attention or screams at the top of his lungs and throws up.
So back to what I said before...only 8.5 hours until today is done. Both kids are currently sleeping and hopefully soon I will be too...except I think I'm going to keep sleeping until tomorrow. It's not like I have anything to get up for...no school...no job...and a whole lot of self-pity....scratch that, I need to get up and eat some of the amazing food from yesterday, but then I'm going back to bed before I start contemplating working at McDonalds or a gas station (not that those aren't valid jobs, but considering all my years of school and experience...I feel pretty crappy!)
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Feast or famine
I view much of what I blog as a shared journal of my cancer journey. It is a way for me to be able to remember and reflect. It is also a way for my to share my experiences.
What I have to talk about tonight is a reoccurring theme throughout my treatment. Geoff and I laugh about the meal support we've received. Before I say anything else I want to point out that we appreciate EVERYTHING EVERYONE has done! Now I am going to tell you the truth about meal support...it is feast or famine. Literally.
Tonight the theme is feast. I usually don't include weekends on the meal sign-ups because I figure we can eat left-overs, get take out, or fend for ourselves. It isn't as hard as the weeknights when Geoff has to balance everything else with work. I also don't include weekends because we are sporadic and rarely sitting at home. Honestly, I just don't do sitting at home. Even when I am miserable I usually ride along on errands, walk around Target or better yet, putz around a cute little boutique. Then I go home and nap so I can do it again.
I get cabin fever sitting at home for more than a day or two. This used to drive Geoff nuts, but I think that he's given up. At the same time, this is part of what exhausts him.
So back to the meal planning...
Originally there was no plan for tonight, but Friday a former co-worker friend asked if she could share some of her family's Thanksgiving food (they were planning a family Thanksgiving dinner for today). Then yesterday a classmate of mine set up a plan to have Jimmy John's delivered for us tonight.
Geoff and I felt blessed. I also felt guilty. I feel like a food hoarder or like I'm cheating on someone. It's not that any of the food will go uneaten or unappreciated. Really.
Then, the person that was to make our dinner for tomorrow asked if she could bring her food today too. Secretly I was pleased. This means all our food for the week would be done and taken care of. I wouldn't have to worry about scheduling times or being awake for food drop-offs for the rest of the week.
At the same time, I was mortified. What if everyone showed up at the same time and they saw me for who I really am? Would there be yelling and a giant food fight? Would everyone take their food and leave assuming we don't appreciate everything they have done for us?
We still have freezer meals so we would all be ok, but honestly, we are tapped and we really rely on these meals.
I'm really tired and I can't lift anything more than a gallon of milk. This means no kids, no laundry, no anything in our house...In other words, all of it falls on Geoff. He was already tapped out and he used to do most of the cooking. I do a lot of the dishes, unloading/loading the dishwasher and general cleaning up and even with everything prepared for us that seems like too much at times.
So 3 meals on one night...It was great! We had dinner taken care of and now we have lunch and dinner for the next couple days taken care of. Then Thursday is Thanksgiving and that's taken care of too. Next weekend we'll do leftovers and freezer meals and then we'll see where things go from there.
What I have to talk about tonight is a reoccurring theme throughout my treatment. Geoff and I laugh about the meal support we've received. Before I say anything else I want to point out that we appreciate EVERYTHING EVERYONE has done! Now I am going to tell you the truth about meal support...it is feast or famine. Literally.
Tonight the theme is feast. I usually don't include weekends on the meal sign-ups because I figure we can eat left-overs, get take out, or fend for ourselves. It isn't as hard as the weeknights when Geoff has to balance everything else with work. I also don't include weekends because we are sporadic and rarely sitting at home. Honestly, I just don't do sitting at home. Even when I am miserable I usually ride along on errands, walk around Target or better yet, putz around a cute little boutique. Then I go home and nap so I can do it again.
I get cabin fever sitting at home for more than a day or two. This used to drive Geoff nuts, but I think that he's given up. At the same time, this is part of what exhausts him.
So back to the meal planning...
Originally there was no plan for tonight, but Friday a former co-worker friend asked if she could share some of her family's Thanksgiving food (they were planning a family Thanksgiving dinner for today). Then yesterday a classmate of mine set up a plan to have Jimmy John's delivered for us tonight.
Geoff and I felt blessed. I also felt guilty. I feel like a food hoarder or like I'm cheating on someone. It's not that any of the food will go uneaten or unappreciated. Really.
Then, the person that was to make our dinner for tomorrow asked if she could bring her food today too. Secretly I was pleased. This means all our food for the week would be done and taken care of. I wouldn't have to worry about scheduling times or being awake for food drop-offs for the rest of the week.
At the same time, I was mortified. What if everyone showed up at the same time and they saw me for who I really am? Would there be yelling and a giant food fight? Would everyone take their food and leave assuming we don't appreciate everything they have done for us?
We still have freezer meals so we would all be ok, but honestly, we are tapped and we really rely on these meals.
I'm really tired and I can't lift anything more than a gallon of milk. This means no kids, no laundry, no anything in our house...In other words, all of it falls on Geoff. He was already tapped out and he used to do most of the cooking. I do a lot of the dishes, unloading/loading the dishwasher and general cleaning up and even with everything prepared for us that seems like too much at times.
So 3 meals on one night...It was great! We had dinner taken care of and now we have lunch and dinner for the next couple days taken care of. Then Thursday is Thanksgiving and that's taken care of too. Next weekend we'll do leftovers and freezer meals and then we'll see where things go from there.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Not really over...
The last few days have been pretty great. I don't really feel like I had major surgery. I'm really anemic this time and I can tell that, but that combined with some pain that's about it. Before I left the hospital the results of my labs came back and they asked if I wanted a blood transfusion or two. My NP told me to think about it, but that there was no pressure. She also said if I changed my mind I could always call later and say so. I would just have to come back in. I really don't want to, but Geoff has asked me a couple times the last few days if I should reconsider.
This morning we made a list of errands we needed to run. Most of them I was just going to ride along in the car with so Geoff wouldn't have to take the kids in everywhere we go and I could get out of the house. There are a few places that I really want to go in, but I don't have a lot of energy to run errands.
It's 11:30 and we're putzing. None of us were up before 9 so we'll get going soon, but what really slowed us down was a phone call from my surgeon. He called to see how I was doing and to give us the pathology report. I told him I was doing great and he was appropriately pleased. Then the sucker punch came...Remember that MRI I had a few weeks ago that showed that I was cancer free? Well, I've learned not to completely trust these things, but at the same time, I think they are usually right.
As it turns out, the pathology report from my surgery showed I was not cancer free. There was a small amount (like millimeters) of cancer that had spread to my uterus. All the margins came back clean (this means that most likely all the cancer was contained and the edges of all the parts removed from me showed no cancer).
I think this hit all of us with mixed results. My surgeon sounded really optimistic and positive but there was an underlying tone of concern. Geoff and I both are not surprised and yet very surprised. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but it does to us. We really weren't surprised to hear that there was cancer in my uterus after all, at the same time it scares the crap out of us.
No one really thought it had spread. Most of tumor board really thought it was gone and therefore recommended against the surgery. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm glad that I did the surgery. I'm fairly optimistic it is all gone, but there is that what if? What if it spread somewhere else and just didn't show up yet? I want to be done.
This feels like a cruel joke. I'm still waiting for him to call back and say "just kidding."
Overall, it probably will be nothing. They did the surgery. They should have gotten all the cancer and we'll move on with our lives, but only time will tell. For right now I need to move on and get going on those errands, but it's hard not to crumble and cry.
Update: We decided it was best to call back and get some clarification so Geoff called my surgeon back and talked to him. As it turns out the cancerous area was the area that has been in question all along. It was not a new area. In fact, he said there could still be argument that the radiation was still working to that area so I potentially didn't need the surgery, but let me be clear...This is not his viewpoint. He also stated that area in question is basically microscopic at this point. Geoff asked about lymph nodes and my surgeon stated that all the local lymph nodes were eradicated so they shouldn't be a concern either. It was a good thing Geoff called back b/c now we both feel much better!
This morning we made a list of errands we needed to run. Most of them I was just going to ride along in the car with so Geoff wouldn't have to take the kids in everywhere we go and I could get out of the house. There are a few places that I really want to go in, but I don't have a lot of energy to run errands.
It's 11:30 and we're putzing. None of us were up before 9 so we'll get going soon, but what really slowed us down was a phone call from my surgeon. He called to see how I was doing and to give us the pathology report. I told him I was doing great and he was appropriately pleased. Then the sucker punch came...Remember that MRI I had a few weeks ago that showed that I was cancer free? Well, I've learned not to completely trust these things, but at the same time, I think they are usually right.
As it turns out, the pathology report from my surgery showed I was not cancer free. There was a small amount (like millimeters) of cancer that had spread to my uterus. All the margins came back clean (this means that most likely all the cancer was contained and the edges of all the parts removed from me showed no cancer).
I think this hit all of us with mixed results. My surgeon sounded really optimistic and positive but there was an underlying tone of concern. Geoff and I both are not surprised and yet very surprised. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but it does to us. We really weren't surprised to hear that there was cancer in my uterus after all, at the same time it scares the crap out of us.
No one really thought it had spread. Most of tumor board really thought it was gone and therefore recommended against the surgery. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm glad that I did the surgery. I'm fairly optimistic it is all gone, but there is that what if? What if it spread somewhere else and just didn't show up yet? I want to be done.
This feels like a cruel joke. I'm still waiting for him to call back and say "just kidding."
Overall, it probably will be nothing. They did the surgery. They should have gotten all the cancer and we'll move on with our lives, but only time will tell. For right now I need to move on and get going on those errands, but it's hard not to crumble and cry.
Update: We decided it was best to call back and get some clarification so Geoff called my surgeon back and talked to him. As it turns out the cancerous area was the area that has been in question all along. It was not a new area. In fact, he said there could still be argument that the radiation was still working to that area so I potentially didn't need the surgery, but let me be clear...This is not his viewpoint. He also stated that area in question is basically microscopic at this point. Geoff asked about lymph nodes and my surgeon stated that all the local lymph nodes were eradicated so they shouldn't be a concern either. It was a good thing Geoff called back b/c now we both feel much better!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Distractions and Drama
Today is going to be one of those days...I can already tell.
My mom left yesterday before E's nap.
After E woke me up by throwing up all over the both of us and my bed, I gave him a bath. When Geoff came home from work E was still in the tub and E threw up a little again. We got him cleaned up and I figured this would be the end of it. No, I was wrong.
Geoff fed him dinner and shortly after...it happened again. Geoff decided that based off our current situation urgent care was probably a good option. He offered to go with both kids by himself, but at the time Ella was overtired and screaming bloody murder. Even though I had no interest in going, I decided it was in the best interest of everyone if I went along to be the "stroller pusher."
So away we went. E got a full exam in urgent care. Did I mention that he was the happiest, most charming version of himself? Telling everyone "please," "thank you," "I'm sick...my tummy hurts...giggle giggle," and my personal favorite (I'm NOT sure where he picked this up from, really) "ya, I'm here cuz I puked." If I were his nurse I would have left the room, giggled, and decided that kid did NOT look sick.
So back to this full exam. He had his ears examined. One looked fine and the other had a lot of wax, but it seemed fine. He had his throat examined. It was fine. His lymph nodes, fine. His belly, fine...and on and on...When the exam was done, the MD started to talk and I could tell this was going to be the 24 hour bug talk, so I just sat back to listen. He told us that he ruled out appendicitis and testicular torsion and I almost burst out laughing, "you think?" I mean I know vomiting is associated with both of them, but a sing-songy little boy who is trying to climb everything...I guess those options were never in my differential diagnosis.
Did I mention that I was crabby? Ella was asleep in her stroller and I was wishing I was curled up and asleep too. I felt the whole thing was silly and all I could think about was that it was way past E's bedtime and that I wanted a heat pack.
In the end it was decided that E should have half an oral dissolving Zofran tablet (medicine for nausea...pretty much the same med I take, except I take the pill form). He took his half reluctantly and then declared it tasted "fruity." He thanked everyone for making him "feel better," told us he liked the hospital because they were really nice to him and we went home.
When we got home he thanked us "for making me feel all better" and declared he was going to bed. He gave Geoff kisses (I was in our room at the time) and he went to bed. That was it.
I crawled into our bed and Geoff put Ella in with me. She wasn't asleep at this time so we watched a little tv on hulu together until she fell asleep (she frequently cuddles with me if I do this and goes to sleep...it works so I don't question it).
So back to today...No progress was made around the house last night. All laundry that was done was related to E being sick. Dishes were left in the sink instead of being loaded into the mostly empty dishwasher. Geoff took E to preschool and then Ella to daycare and called to tell me that he forgot diapers for Ella (since we use cloth diapers he takes what we need each day). I suggested buying some disposable at the Walgreens a few blocks away and he acted annoyed with me. I guess that was not the right response.
Geoff is frustrated, frazzled and still extremely over-tired. I'm not exactly sure what to say because I'm walking a fine line with him. I want to help him, but I don't want to insult him.
Personally, I just want to sleep, but I have homework to do. Also I know I can be demanding so I'm trying to be mostly self-sufficient. This way I can have my blankets all exactly the way I want them because I do put them that way myself. I figure if I take care of myself then Geoff doesn't have to worry about me too. This is what I tried to do in the hospital too and it seemed to work.
If you remove all of Geoff's overtired frustration from my life, the biggest frustration I have right now is that I can't fine one of my cats. I know she is here, I've seen her once since I came home, but usually she is by my side and I can't find her for the life of me. She is one of my main napping/homework buddies so my world just doesn't seem right without Petunia. Also, I'm worried that she's hiding because she is hurt. Probably though, she just found a really good hiding spot and it trumps cuddling with me for now.
I have other cats that are more than willing to take her place. Right now in fact I have a cat sleeping on each side of me. Really the answer seems to be that I should just nap and let the world resolve itself, but alas, I can't. Also I have a strong urge to knit (insert giggle here b/c I barely know how to knit), but knitting and watching a movie seem like a really good idea right now. They seem like appropriate post-surgery activities. Homework doesn't. Oh well, I'm not normal and neither is my life. Time to hit the books before everyone comes home with their distractions and drama.
My mom left yesterday before E's nap.
After E woke me up by throwing up all over the both of us and my bed, I gave him a bath. When Geoff came home from work E was still in the tub and E threw up a little again. We got him cleaned up and I figured this would be the end of it. No, I was wrong.
Geoff fed him dinner and shortly after...it happened again. Geoff decided that based off our current situation urgent care was probably a good option. He offered to go with both kids by himself, but at the time Ella was overtired and screaming bloody murder. Even though I had no interest in going, I decided it was in the best interest of everyone if I went along to be the "stroller pusher."
So away we went. E got a full exam in urgent care. Did I mention that he was the happiest, most charming version of himself? Telling everyone "please," "thank you," "I'm sick...my tummy hurts...giggle giggle," and my personal favorite (I'm NOT sure where he picked this up from, really) "ya, I'm here cuz I puked." If I were his nurse I would have left the room, giggled, and decided that kid did NOT look sick.
So back to this full exam. He had his ears examined. One looked fine and the other had a lot of wax, but it seemed fine. He had his throat examined. It was fine. His lymph nodes, fine. His belly, fine...and on and on...When the exam was done, the MD started to talk and I could tell this was going to be the 24 hour bug talk, so I just sat back to listen. He told us that he ruled out appendicitis and testicular torsion and I almost burst out laughing, "you think?" I mean I know vomiting is associated with both of them, but a sing-songy little boy who is trying to climb everything...I guess those options were never in my differential diagnosis.
Did I mention that I was crabby? Ella was asleep in her stroller and I was wishing I was curled up and asleep too. I felt the whole thing was silly and all I could think about was that it was way past E's bedtime and that I wanted a heat pack.
In the end it was decided that E should have half an oral dissolving Zofran tablet (medicine for nausea...pretty much the same med I take, except I take the pill form). He took his half reluctantly and then declared it tasted "fruity." He thanked everyone for making him "feel better," told us he liked the hospital because they were really nice to him and we went home.
When we got home he thanked us "for making me feel all better" and declared he was going to bed. He gave Geoff kisses (I was in our room at the time) and he went to bed. That was it.
I crawled into our bed and Geoff put Ella in with me. She wasn't asleep at this time so we watched a little tv on hulu together until she fell asleep (she frequently cuddles with me if I do this and goes to sleep...it works so I don't question it).
So back to today...No progress was made around the house last night. All laundry that was done was related to E being sick. Dishes were left in the sink instead of being loaded into the mostly empty dishwasher. Geoff took E to preschool and then Ella to daycare and called to tell me that he forgot diapers for Ella (since we use cloth diapers he takes what we need each day). I suggested buying some disposable at the Walgreens a few blocks away and he acted annoyed with me. I guess that was not the right response.
Geoff is frustrated, frazzled and still extremely over-tired. I'm not exactly sure what to say because I'm walking a fine line with him. I want to help him, but I don't want to insult him.
Personally, I just want to sleep, but I have homework to do. Also I know I can be demanding so I'm trying to be mostly self-sufficient. This way I can have my blankets all exactly the way I want them because I do put them that way myself. I figure if I take care of myself then Geoff doesn't have to worry about me too. This is what I tried to do in the hospital too and it seemed to work.
If you remove all of Geoff's overtired frustration from my life, the biggest frustration I have right now is that I can't fine one of my cats. I know she is here, I've seen her once since I came home, but usually she is by my side and I can't find her for the life of me. She is one of my main napping/homework buddies so my world just doesn't seem right without Petunia. Also, I'm worried that she's hiding because she is hurt. Probably though, she just found a really good hiding spot and it trumps cuddling with me for now.
I have other cats that are more than willing to take her place. Right now in fact I have a cat sleeping on each side of me. Really the answer seems to be that I should just nap and let the world resolve itself, but alas, I can't. Also I have a strong urge to knit (insert giggle here b/c I barely know how to knit), but knitting and watching a movie seem like a really good idea right now. They seem like appropriate post-surgery activities. Homework doesn't. Oh well, I'm not normal and neither is my life. Time to hit the books before everyone comes home with their distractions and drama.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
The hospital
I'm back and ready to blog again. It's going to be a long one...
So, I'll start at the beginning. The night before surgery we were up late. I was working on a paper for school and Geoff was helping me by reading through things, etc. Finally I decided I couldn't see straight anymore and emailed the professor. I decided I just didn't care that much. She emailed me back in the morning and told me to take until the end of the week. I'm going to get back to work on it as soon as I write this.
Tuesday morning I got up a little after Geoff to help him get the kids ready for daycare. I made the mistake of telling E the night before that I was going to go to the hospital and not going to be home for the night. It seems that I frequently underestimate what he is going to understand/remember. He was very upset about going to daycare and even more upset because he knew I wasn't going to be home when he got home. There were lay down on the floor style temper-tantrums. It was a mess!
After Geoff and the kids finally left, it was just me and the pets. I figured I would take a nice hot, leisurely bath since this would be something I wouldn't get to do for awhile. So I started the bath (oh and yes, the bathroom is still a mess, but there are towels and bathmat down and I'm pretty careful...) and then decided to straighten up E's room. Straightening up E's room led to me changing the sheets on his upper bunk. Then I decided I should charge batteries in his Twilight Turtle and other toys just in case. I don't remember what else I did, but suddenly Geoff called to say he was on his way home to get me and still hadn't taken my bath.
So I took a quick, hot bath (I added hot water) and ran around to get ready. I packed enough crap to last me for a week, but I figured it was better to have what I need than to have to keep bugging Geoff to bring me something else. I left most of it at home and had him bring it to me after my surgery. The only things I took with me to the hospital initially were my cell phone and my iPad, but I even sent the iPad back home with him (I know how frequently those bags of belongings get lost...).
On the way to the hospital we dropped the coonhounds off at the kennel. I miss them and I hope they come home tomorrow, but this has been much easier for Geoff. Wilco, our weiner dog, stayed at home because the plan was he would go home with my mom (which he did today).
When I got to the hospital we headed to first day surgery. I only bumped into one person I used to work with. At first day surgery I did the standard urine sample, changed my clothes, had my vitals taken, talked with the anesthesia team, talked with my surgeon, signed my consent, had my port accessed and then was promptly wheeled away. As they were wheeling me away I was given some Midaz (a drug) and they laughed and said I wouldn't remember anything past first day surgery.
I remember the sad and worried look on Geoff's face...I think he would have done his 50 good-byes had he had the chance. I remember leaving him. I remember getting out of first day surgery and going down the hall outside the ORs. I actually remember getting into the OR itself and thinking it was a lot smaller than the Cardiothoracic OR (I think), but that is the end of what I remember. That was before 1pm on Tuesday...
I have no clue what time I arrived in the recovery room, but the first time that I noticed was almost 6pm. By that point I was almost ready to go to my room. I know that I asked for nausea meds in recovery, but that is the only thing I remember. Once I got to my actual room, I was told I had 1 mg Dilaudid in the recovery room for pain, but that was it. I opted for a little more Dilaudid when I got to my room, but it made me pretty nauseous, so that was the last of that. My surgeon came to say hi/check in on me shortly after I got to my room. He was pretty proud that my surgery only required one port (aka I only needed one incision).
This incision was done directly inside my umbilicus, or belly button. Initially, I had a tegaderm (clear dressing) with a folded up gauze pad over my incision. My stomach was very distended because of the gas they put in to do the surgery and overall I was very puffy from the fluids and even more likely from being inverted for hours as they did the surgery.
Geoff showed up at about 7pm. He brought all my bags. The most important was my super cute monogrammed "31" bag filled with magazines, lotions, colgate "wisps" of every flavor, hard candies, facial cleansing wipes, grippy socks, good luck omens of all sorts. Almost every single thing in the bag, including the bag itself, was a cancer gift from friends or family. I felt really pampered and loved just bringing that bag. I also had my computer bag and a bag with a change of clothes and my own quilt/pillow. In addition to all that I packed, Geoff showed up with some beautiful tropical flowers and a wiener dog balloon (something isn't working between my phone and blog or I would include pics)
Geoff set everything up in my room so that it was convenient for me and then hung out for the rest of the evening. He also helped me changed into my own clothes. A few friends/previous co-worker came to see me before 8pm and after that everything for me is kinda fuzzy. I slept most of the evening. Before Geoff left I decided to attempt my first walk and walked from my room to the nurses station and back (my room was the 2nd to last in a hallway). I slept most of the night. Of course I was woken every 1-2 hours, either by my need to go to the bathroom or for vitals or for my weight or something else. At some point around 4 or 5 am I woke up to go the bathroom, went for another walk and crawled back into bed. As soon as I had tucked myself back in bed, positioned myself, tucked in heat packs, the NA (nursing assistant) came in to get my weight. I asked her to wait until next time I had to get up. She said fine, but she and the nurse woke me up less than an hour later for the weight and a heparin shot.
I was mortified to see that my pre-op weight and my post-op weight differed by the addition of over 5 lbs. At the same time this was not surprising if you saw what I looked like. After the weight, I went to the bathroom again (I did this a lot with the IV fluids). Once I got myself back in bed I realized I was feeling really nauseated again. By this time I had been trying to take Oxycodone for pain. I called for nausea meds, but before anyone could have even got to me I was sick a good 5+ times. Luckily Geoff had positioned the appropriate bucket close to my bed so I could reach it. After I had the nausea meds I went back to sleep again. There was a resident that came by to see me and I decided I should get up and get moving before everyone rounded on me.
I got up and brushed my teeth, washed up and went for another walk. Then I had another friend/former co-worker that stopped by to visit for a bit. I never actually had the whole team round on me, typical UW style, but I'm not surprised...I um, sort of asked for as few residents as possible and my wonderful NP knows my whole resident post-Ella's birth story so she was kind enough to oblige.
At about 8am my wonderful NP rounded on me herself. I talked to her about the nausea and feeling like I couldn't take any pain meds. We decided to try 800 Ibuprofen with Tylenol in between doses. She told me I could try whatever I wanted and she would work with me. She also said she had somewhere else she had to be but she would check back in a few hours and see how I was doing. So I tried the Ibuprofen with oral Zofran for nausea. Within an hour I felt like a different person. My wonderful NP also said I could ditch the stinking IV fluids, so I was a pretty happy person by the time she left.
My nurse and my NP both joked about hiding out in my room bc it was peaceful and "not crazy." They were right. I was debating asking to stay just because I knew going home would be nuts! Geoff and Ella showed up around 10 am and I figured I would get a taste of going home by having Ella in my room. She proved me wrong. She was extremely somber and wouldn't talk to me. Then my breakfast tray arrived and she ate 1 of my 2 pancakes. After that she would talk, but that was mostly to share my yogurt with Geoff (I had no appetite yet). Shortly after eating she fell asleep and stayed asleep until we left. She was amazing...Ok, my room was amazing. Did I mention that I had a great view of the lake from my room? It was really nice...
Anyway, since the Ibuprofen/Tylenol combo worked with the oral nausea meds, I decided I was ready to go home. My NP came back and wrote my discharge orders. We decided on a script for Norco (another narcotic) for sleep and such. I've been using it occasionally and it is working much better than the Oxy did for me.
It took longer than it needed to get out of the hospital bc once again pharmacy didn't send up the appropriate heparin flush for my port for hours. Like 3 hours. I'm not kidding. I met with everyone I needed to in the meantime and signed all necessary paperwork. Eventually we left. Oh btw, my port worked beautifully the whole time I was there...Anyway, so we left. I reluctantly agreed to a wheelchair ride out. I convinced the NA to drop me off at one of the benches outside the hospital as Geoff took our ticket to the valet. My favorite valet saw us immediately, took the ticket from Geoff and RAN, literally, to get my car. He is amazing!
Once I got home, I loved on E a bunch. Talked with my mom a little. Loved the flowers she got for me, took a shower, and went to bed. From that point on, I mostly slept through to today.
Today I got up to help Geoff get the kids ready, but it's interesting how to help right now...both kids tend to get easily distracted and require being picked up at some point and I can't life them at this point. I'm technically not supposed to life either of them or anything 15+ lbs for 6 weeks, but my wonderful NP said we would reevaluate at my appointment in 2 weeks. I also can't swim with them, bathe, etc. I am REALLY REALLY glad that next week is Thanksgiving and a short work week because I have no idea how I am going to do this otherwise.
Ella does not understand me not picking her up. E does better with it, but...my mom left after noon today. She got E home from preschool, made lunch and tucked him in for a nap. He wanted to sleep with me and I though it seemed fine. We slept most of the afternoon and then he threw up all over me. Many times. I'm pretty sure I never actually lifted him up as I was getting us cleaned up, stripping the bed, helping him in the bath, but it was hard to resist picking him up.
Geoff and Ella came home while E was still in the bath. Geoff put clean sheets on the bed and took care of everything else so the house is back the way it should be. E and I are in our pjs and cuddled up watching tv and relaxing. Ok, a few more minutes and I need to get back to reality...school work.
Overall though, I'm doing better than I thought I would. I still need help with the kids and I need to take it easy, but otherwise I almost forget that I had surgery.
One more thing...so I'm allergic to adhesives. When I took the dressing off last night before my shower I had large unpopped blisters all around my belly button. Of course, I know better, but I couldn't resist and popped them all. Just thought I would share this...
Oh, and one more thing...I'M DONE!
So, I'll start at the beginning. The night before surgery we were up late. I was working on a paper for school and Geoff was helping me by reading through things, etc. Finally I decided I couldn't see straight anymore and emailed the professor. I decided I just didn't care that much. She emailed me back in the morning and told me to take until the end of the week. I'm going to get back to work on it as soon as I write this.
Tuesday morning I got up a little after Geoff to help him get the kids ready for daycare. I made the mistake of telling E the night before that I was going to go to the hospital and not going to be home for the night. It seems that I frequently underestimate what he is going to understand/remember. He was very upset about going to daycare and even more upset because he knew I wasn't going to be home when he got home. There were lay down on the floor style temper-tantrums. It was a mess!
After Geoff and the kids finally left, it was just me and the pets. I figured I would take a nice hot, leisurely bath since this would be something I wouldn't get to do for awhile. So I started the bath (oh and yes, the bathroom is still a mess, but there are towels and bathmat down and I'm pretty careful...) and then decided to straighten up E's room. Straightening up E's room led to me changing the sheets on his upper bunk. Then I decided I should charge batteries in his Twilight Turtle and other toys just in case. I don't remember what else I did, but suddenly Geoff called to say he was on his way home to get me and still hadn't taken my bath.
So I took a quick, hot bath (I added hot water) and ran around to get ready. I packed enough crap to last me for a week, but I figured it was better to have what I need than to have to keep bugging Geoff to bring me something else. I left most of it at home and had him bring it to me after my surgery. The only things I took with me to the hospital initially were my cell phone and my iPad, but I even sent the iPad back home with him (I know how frequently those bags of belongings get lost...).
On the way to the hospital we dropped the coonhounds off at the kennel. I miss them and I hope they come home tomorrow, but this has been much easier for Geoff. Wilco, our weiner dog, stayed at home because the plan was he would go home with my mom (which he did today).
When I got to the hospital we headed to first day surgery. I only bumped into one person I used to work with. At first day surgery I did the standard urine sample, changed my clothes, had my vitals taken, talked with the anesthesia team, talked with my surgeon, signed my consent, had my port accessed and then was promptly wheeled away. As they were wheeling me away I was given some Midaz (a drug) and they laughed and said I wouldn't remember anything past first day surgery.
I remember the sad and worried look on Geoff's face...I think he would have done his 50 good-byes had he had the chance. I remember leaving him. I remember getting out of first day surgery and going down the hall outside the ORs. I actually remember getting into the OR itself and thinking it was a lot smaller than the Cardiothoracic OR (I think), but that is the end of what I remember. That was before 1pm on Tuesday...
I have no clue what time I arrived in the recovery room, but the first time that I noticed was almost 6pm. By that point I was almost ready to go to my room. I know that I asked for nausea meds in recovery, but that is the only thing I remember. Once I got to my actual room, I was told I had 1 mg Dilaudid in the recovery room for pain, but that was it. I opted for a little more Dilaudid when I got to my room, but it made me pretty nauseous, so that was the last of that. My surgeon came to say hi/check in on me shortly after I got to my room. He was pretty proud that my surgery only required one port (aka I only needed one incision).
This incision was done directly inside my umbilicus, or belly button. Initially, I had a tegaderm (clear dressing) with a folded up gauze pad over my incision. My stomach was very distended because of the gas they put in to do the surgery and overall I was very puffy from the fluids and even more likely from being inverted for hours as they did the surgery.
Geoff showed up at about 7pm. He brought all my bags. The most important was my super cute monogrammed "31" bag filled with magazines, lotions, colgate "wisps" of every flavor, hard candies, facial cleansing wipes, grippy socks, good luck omens of all sorts. Almost every single thing in the bag, including the bag itself, was a cancer gift from friends or family. I felt really pampered and loved just bringing that bag. I also had my computer bag and a bag with a change of clothes and my own quilt/pillow. In addition to all that I packed, Geoff showed up with some beautiful tropical flowers and a wiener dog balloon (something isn't working between my phone and blog or I would include pics)
Geoff set everything up in my room so that it was convenient for me and then hung out for the rest of the evening. He also helped me changed into my own clothes. A few friends/previous co-worker came to see me before 8pm and after that everything for me is kinda fuzzy. I slept most of the evening. Before Geoff left I decided to attempt my first walk and walked from my room to the nurses station and back (my room was the 2nd to last in a hallway). I slept most of the night. Of course I was woken every 1-2 hours, either by my need to go to the bathroom or for vitals or for my weight or something else. At some point around 4 or 5 am I woke up to go the bathroom, went for another walk and crawled back into bed. As soon as I had tucked myself back in bed, positioned myself, tucked in heat packs, the NA (nursing assistant) came in to get my weight. I asked her to wait until next time I had to get up. She said fine, but she and the nurse woke me up less than an hour later for the weight and a heparin shot.
I was mortified to see that my pre-op weight and my post-op weight differed by the addition of over 5 lbs. At the same time this was not surprising if you saw what I looked like. After the weight, I went to the bathroom again (I did this a lot with the IV fluids). Once I got myself back in bed I realized I was feeling really nauseated again. By this time I had been trying to take Oxycodone for pain. I called for nausea meds, but before anyone could have even got to me I was sick a good 5+ times. Luckily Geoff had positioned the appropriate bucket close to my bed so I could reach it. After I had the nausea meds I went back to sleep again. There was a resident that came by to see me and I decided I should get up and get moving before everyone rounded on me.
I got up and brushed my teeth, washed up and went for another walk. Then I had another friend/former co-worker that stopped by to visit for a bit. I never actually had the whole team round on me, typical UW style, but I'm not surprised...I um, sort of asked for as few residents as possible and my wonderful NP knows my whole resident post-Ella's birth story so she was kind enough to oblige.
At about 8am my wonderful NP rounded on me herself. I talked to her about the nausea and feeling like I couldn't take any pain meds. We decided to try 800 Ibuprofen with Tylenol in between doses. She told me I could try whatever I wanted and she would work with me. She also said she had somewhere else she had to be but she would check back in a few hours and see how I was doing. So I tried the Ibuprofen with oral Zofran for nausea. Within an hour I felt like a different person. My wonderful NP also said I could ditch the stinking IV fluids, so I was a pretty happy person by the time she left.
My nurse and my NP both joked about hiding out in my room bc it was peaceful and "not crazy." They were right. I was debating asking to stay just because I knew going home would be nuts! Geoff and Ella showed up around 10 am and I figured I would get a taste of going home by having Ella in my room. She proved me wrong. She was extremely somber and wouldn't talk to me. Then my breakfast tray arrived and she ate 1 of my 2 pancakes. After that she would talk, but that was mostly to share my yogurt with Geoff (I had no appetite yet). Shortly after eating she fell asleep and stayed asleep until we left. She was amazing...Ok, my room was amazing. Did I mention that I had a great view of the lake from my room? It was really nice...
Anyway, since the Ibuprofen/Tylenol combo worked with the oral nausea meds, I decided I was ready to go home. My NP came back and wrote my discharge orders. We decided on a script for Norco (another narcotic) for sleep and such. I've been using it occasionally and it is working much better than the Oxy did for me.
It took longer than it needed to get out of the hospital bc once again pharmacy didn't send up the appropriate heparin flush for my port for hours. Like 3 hours. I'm not kidding. I met with everyone I needed to in the meantime and signed all necessary paperwork. Eventually we left. Oh btw, my port worked beautifully the whole time I was there...Anyway, so we left. I reluctantly agreed to a wheelchair ride out. I convinced the NA to drop me off at one of the benches outside the hospital as Geoff took our ticket to the valet. My favorite valet saw us immediately, took the ticket from Geoff and RAN, literally, to get my car. He is amazing!
Once I got home, I loved on E a bunch. Talked with my mom a little. Loved the flowers she got for me, took a shower, and went to bed. From that point on, I mostly slept through to today.
Today I got up to help Geoff get the kids ready, but it's interesting how to help right now...both kids tend to get easily distracted and require being picked up at some point and I can't life them at this point. I'm technically not supposed to life either of them or anything 15+ lbs for 6 weeks, but my wonderful NP said we would reevaluate at my appointment in 2 weeks. I also can't swim with them, bathe, etc. I am REALLY REALLY glad that next week is Thanksgiving and a short work week because I have no idea how I am going to do this otherwise.
Ella does not understand me not picking her up. E does better with it, but...my mom left after noon today. She got E home from preschool, made lunch and tucked him in for a nap. He wanted to sleep with me and I though it seemed fine. We slept most of the afternoon and then he threw up all over me. Many times. I'm pretty sure I never actually lifted him up as I was getting us cleaned up, stripping the bed, helping him in the bath, but it was hard to resist picking him up.
Geoff and Ella came home while E was still in the bath. Geoff put clean sheets on the bed and took care of everything else so the house is back the way it should be. E and I are in our pjs and cuddled up watching tv and relaxing. Ok, a few more minutes and I need to get back to reality...school work.
Overall though, I'm doing better than I thought I would. I still need help with the kids and I need to take it easy, but otherwise I almost forget that I had surgery.
One more thing...so I'm allergic to adhesives. When I took the dressing off last night before my shower I had large unpopped blisters all around my belly button. Of course, I know better, but I couldn't resist and popped them all. Just thought I would share this...
Oh, and one more thing...I'M DONE!
Back home
Geoff again.
Surgery went very well. It took the better part of Tuesday afternoon. I had to pick the kids up from daycare, drop them off with Grandma, and then headed to the hospital. By the time I got there, Gin was out of recovery, back in her room, and reasonably lucid. She did drift in and out of sleep for most of the rest of the time I was there. I did get to tuck her in for the night before heading back home to make sure Grandma was handling the kids OK (she was, and had them both to sleep).
This morning Ella and I headed back to the hospital, with high hopes of springing Gin out around lunchtime. Most of the morning was pleasantly uneventful. We saw our favorite NP a couple times, and she went over how well the surgery went, and what the next steps are. Gin has a follow up in a couple of weeks, and is on restricted duty for 2-8 weeks. I know that is a ridiculous range, but there was concern from all parties about how to handle light duty with two small kids, so there might be some re-assessment if signs point to a quick recovery.
That's about all there really is to report. Have a good night.
Surgery went very well. It took the better part of Tuesday afternoon. I had to pick the kids up from daycare, drop them off with Grandma, and then headed to the hospital. By the time I got there, Gin was out of recovery, back in her room, and reasonably lucid. She did drift in and out of sleep for most of the rest of the time I was there. I did get to tuck her in for the night before heading back home to make sure Grandma was handling the kids OK (she was, and had them both to sleep).
This morning Ella and I headed back to the hospital, with high hopes of springing Gin out around lunchtime. Most of the morning was pleasantly uneventful. We saw our favorite NP a couple times, and she went over how well the surgery went, and what the next steps are. Gin has a follow up in a couple of weeks, and is on restricted duty for 2-8 weeks. I know that is a ridiculous range, but there was concern from all parties about how to handle light duty with two small kids, so there might be some re-assessment if signs point to a quick recovery.
That's about all there really is to report. Have a good night.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
You are going to pull it out through what?
Hi gang, this is Geoff.
So tomorrow is surgery. It feels like people (including ourselves) have been lowering our expectations in regards to the severity of the surgery. Originally it seemed like some insane thing where Gin would be in the hospital for a week and be unable to lift the kids forever and our lives generally sucking (this was back in the days when it was going to be a radical hysterectomy - remember those?). Now, it sounds like something on par with an appendectomy. She'll be home Wednesday (fingers crossed). They are taking it out through her belly button (more on that in a minute). No biggie. If we still did triathlons, we could be doing one this weekend as a cute couple in stupid costumes with signs saying "cancer sux" or something like that. OK, the triathlon thing is certainly an exaggeration, but it shouldn't be terrible, except that...
1. We are both tired. Like, completely depleted, exhausted, tired. I can't overstate how tired we both are. This is not a great way to go into any surgery. This is not a great way to go into anything. Is it weird that I wonder if being knocked out for surgery kind of works as a substitute for sleeping (ie, does your body do REM sleep during anesthesia)? If so, I am kind of jealous of Gin, because she will have a four hour nap forced upon her tomorrow afternoon. OK, I'm not jealous at all, because...
2. It is still surgery. Neither of us reacts well to anesthesia. Gin has never really had surgery. All of these things add up to normal surgery worries.
Anyway, there is a bunch more stuff you can probably think of, and you can quibble if that last one should really be three different things. I don't care. Do you remember the first point? I'm really tired.
So about removing a uterus through a belly button. This seems even more spacial perplexing to me than giving birth. Plus, the image (I couldn't help myself) is really kind of gross. Honestly, the first thing that came to mind was Egyptians pulling the brain out the nose when mummifying someone. Totally inappropriate.
Now for something completely different, thank you all so much again for your well wishes and prayers. I'll try to get on tomorrow night to let you know how the surgery went.
So tomorrow is surgery. It feels like people (including ourselves) have been lowering our expectations in regards to the severity of the surgery. Originally it seemed like some insane thing where Gin would be in the hospital for a week and be unable to lift the kids forever and our lives generally sucking (this was back in the days when it was going to be a radical hysterectomy - remember those?). Now, it sounds like something on par with an appendectomy. She'll be home Wednesday (fingers crossed). They are taking it out through her belly button (more on that in a minute). No biggie. If we still did triathlons, we could be doing one this weekend as a cute couple in stupid costumes with signs saying "cancer sux" or something like that. OK, the triathlon thing is certainly an exaggeration, but it shouldn't be terrible, except that...
1. We are both tired. Like, completely depleted, exhausted, tired. I can't overstate how tired we both are. This is not a great way to go into any surgery. This is not a great way to go into anything. Is it weird that I wonder if being knocked out for surgery kind of works as a substitute for sleeping (ie, does your body do REM sleep during anesthesia)? If so, I am kind of jealous of Gin, because she will have a four hour nap forced upon her tomorrow afternoon. OK, I'm not jealous at all, because...
2. It is still surgery. Neither of us reacts well to anesthesia. Gin has never really had surgery. All of these things add up to normal surgery worries.
Anyway, there is a bunch more stuff you can probably think of, and you can quibble if that last one should really be three different things. I don't care. Do you remember the first point? I'm really tired.
So about removing a uterus through a belly button. This seems even more spacial perplexing to me than giving birth. Plus, the image (I couldn't help myself) is really kind of gross. Honestly, the first thing that came to mind was Egyptians pulling the brain out the nose when mummifying someone. Totally inappropriate.
Now for something completely different, thank you all so much again for your well wishes and prayers. I'll try to get on tomorrow night to let you know how the surgery went.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Brief
I'm really not sure what to write about tonight.
Today we went to my parent's house. It's only a few hours away, yet I haven't been there for months. We didn't do anything terribly excited, but it was a nice day. Well, if you choose to overlook the fact that the kids skipped naps and were exhausted by the time we left. Oh and there is the part where we made it less than 2 miles from my parents before E threw up all over himself and required a parking lot pj change. Other than that though, it was a great day.
Even though I dropped a class yesterday I still have an excessive amount of homework to do and both Geoff and I are exhausted. On that note, I think I am going to keep this very brief tonight and go to bed...more tomorrow.
Today we went to my parent's house. It's only a few hours away, yet I haven't been there for months. We didn't do anything terribly excited, but it was a nice day. Well, if you choose to overlook the fact that the kids skipped naps and were exhausted by the time we left. Oh and there is the part where we made it less than 2 miles from my parents before E threw up all over himself and required a parking lot pj change. Other than that though, it was a great day.
Even though I dropped a class yesterday I still have an excessive amount of homework to do and both Geoff and I are exhausted. On that note, I think I am going to keep this very brief tonight and go to bed...more tomorrow.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The new plan
Alright I'll admit it, I've gotten in the habit of skipping Friday nights. It's less about me feeling uncool sitting at home, writing a blog post on a Friday night and more about the fact that I'm almost always too exhausted so I declare that night my official break.
Continuing with a theme of exhaustion, I have decided for the first time in my 10+ years of college (5 for my first degree, 2 for my ADN, 2 for my BSN, and another 1+ for my MSN) that I need to drop/withdraw from a class. I gave it a couple days thought, but honestly I was struggling to keep up with everything. I've been going to school full-time through all of this and I really am exhausted.
I didn't want to drop any courses mostly because it meant delaying "Clinical Bound." CB is a one week intensive training that my school requires us to do before starting our clinical training. I was scheduled to go to CB in this upcoming January. I had most everything worked out. I was carpooling with someone else that goes to my school from MN. We were going to pick up another midwifery student/friend in Indianapolis and then the 3 of us would drive to our school in Kentucky together.
My friend from Indy has been an instrumental support through much of my cancer treatment (she and her husband have even driven to come to visit us/cheer us up) and I wanted to go to CB with her more than anything. I knew she would understand, but I still feel like I'm letting her down. In addition to her, I have a Nurse Practitioner classmate that was also going to be at CB at the same time. She also has been a major support for me. She has even sent cheer-leading/support cards to Geoff. Now I won't get to see her either (though I have promised her that I will see her at some point...I owe her many hugs).
I found all of this to be extremely depressing. For the longest time I wouldn't consider slowing my education down for these reasons. At the same time, I feel like I'm drowning and I was having visions of getting back to my hospital room after surgery and having to try to write a paper or read some journal article. Originally I asked my instructor if we could work something out, but when she called me to talk about it, I realized I just wanted to drop the course. Otherwise in the next 5 or 6 weeks I still had 3 more exams, a case study, multiple forum posts and to review someone else's case study.
As soon as I gave consideration to dropping the class, I felt like a better mother, wife, student and I realized I could take so much better care of myself. This means I can sleep. It also means that next term I really only have to take one class, though we'll see about that...
As far as the missing out on being with my friends...I looked up the April CB dates to see when they are and who was going. I realized another couple of my friends were scheduled to go in April, but on different dates. At first I was torn, then I decided to be completely selfish and send them messages to see if anyone would consider switching so we could all go together. Within hours, both of them had replied and now we are all tentatively going together April 18th-25th (don't tell anyone the last day is my birthday). I'm really excited!
Finally as a solution to not getting to go to CB as planned, I've decided to try to make sure my clinicals still work out so I am able to attend graduation next October. Some of the midwifery students I should get to see at the American College of Nurse Midwives conference in Nashville next summer, but I want to ensure that I get to see everyone. I have no control over how many babies will be born when or who/what my office visits will be, but I'm going to do whatever I can to still finish by next October.
One last note...all of my instructors have been amazing through all of this. At the same time, they are constantly encouraging me to take an emergency academic hiatus. I've reassured them (hopefully adequately this time) that I haven't ruled the possibility out, but I am not interested in doing so at right now (just as I did last term). I was talking about this with one of my old roommates today and she laughed and asked "Do you need me to call them and explain how you work?" It's true. I keep telling them that this is what gives me focus and drive, but they don't get it. This is how I work. I thrive on having a full plate, though I am looking forward to slowing down in a few years (probably after I'm done getting my family practice NP and my DNP...about another 2 years total). Afterall, we aren't going to be having anymore kids now.
Continuing with a theme of exhaustion, I have decided for the first time in my 10+ years of college (5 for my first degree, 2 for my ADN, 2 for my BSN, and another 1+ for my MSN) that I need to drop/withdraw from a class. I gave it a couple days thought, but honestly I was struggling to keep up with everything. I've been going to school full-time through all of this and I really am exhausted.
I didn't want to drop any courses mostly because it meant delaying "Clinical Bound." CB is a one week intensive training that my school requires us to do before starting our clinical training. I was scheduled to go to CB in this upcoming January. I had most everything worked out. I was carpooling with someone else that goes to my school from MN. We were going to pick up another midwifery student/friend in Indianapolis and then the 3 of us would drive to our school in Kentucky together.
My friend from Indy has been an instrumental support through much of my cancer treatment (she and her husband have even driven to come to visit us/cheer us up) and I wanted to go to CB with her more than anything. I knew she would understand, but I still feel like I'm letting her down. In addition to her, I have a Nurse Practitioner classmate that was also going to be at CB at the same time. She also has been a major support for me. She has even sent cheer-leading/support cards to Geoff. Now I won't get to see her either (though I have promised her that I will see her at some point...I owe her many hugs).
I found all of this to be extremely depressing. For the longest time I wouldn't consider slowing my education down for these reasons. At the same time, I feel like I'm drowning and I was having visions of getting back to my hospital room after surgery and having to try to write a paper or read some journal article. Originally I asked my instructor if we could work something out, but when she called me to talk about it, I realized I just wanted to drop the course. Otherwise in the next 5 or 6 weeks I still had 3 more exams, a case study, multiple forum posts and to review someone else's case study.
As soon as I gave consideration to dropping the class, I felt like a better mother, wife, student and I realized I could take so much better care of myself. This means I can sleep. It also means that next term I really only have to take one class, though we'll see about that...
As far as the missing out on being with my friends...I looked up the April CB dates to see when they are and who was going. I realized another couple of my friends were scheduled to go in April, but on different dates. At first I was torn, then I decided to be completely selfish and send them messages to see if anyone would consider switching so we could all go together. Within hours, both of them had replied and now we are all tentatively going together April 18th-25th (don't tell anyone the last day is my birthday). I'm really excited!
Finally as a solution to not getting to go to CB as planned, I've decided to try to make sure my clinicals still work out so I am able to attend graduation next October. Some of the midwifery students I should get to see at the American College of Nurse Midwives conference in Nashville next summer, but I want to ensure that I get to see everyone. I have no control over how many babies will be born when or who/what my office visits will be, but I'm going to do whatever I can to still finish by next October.
One last note...all of my instructors have been amazing through all of this. At the same time, they are constantly encouraging me to take an emergency academic hiatus. I've reassured them (hopefully adequately this time) that I haven't ruled the possibility out, but I am not interested in doing so at right now (just as I did last term). I was talking about this with one of my old roommates today and she laughed and asked "Do you need me to call them and explain how you work?" It's true. I keep telling them that this is what gives me focus and drive, but they don't get it. This is how I work. I thrive on having a full plate, though I am looking forward to slowing down in a few years (probably after I'm done getting my family practice NP and my DNP...about another 2 years total). Afterall, we aren't going to be having anymore kids now.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Tumor Board 2.0
I'm really tired so I'm going to cut to the chase.
The consensus at tumor board was that according to the MRI, I am cancer free. Once again, yay! Unfortunately they did not all agree what to do with me.
The votes were 4:2 against surgery.
Of the 4 against surgery, 1 was my radiation oncologist. We already knew this is how she felt. Another felt that when there was "the spot on my cervix" they should have biopsied it to ensure it was still tumor and then done surgery asap. Another felt that I should be watched closely with scans every 2 months and if anything is questionable, biopsy under anesthesia. The final vote against surgery wasn't strongly one way or another but felt the recommendation against was fine.
Of the 2 for surgery, 1 was my gyn oncologist. He feels pretty strongly about this. Strongly enough that if I don't have the surgery he thinks it would be best for my next appointment if I were to consult with one of his colleagues who recommend against.
The problem is...there is no evidence either way. No one really knows what to do.
Reasons to not do the surgery is that I might never have a recurrence, thereby making surgery unnecessary. No chance for an operative/post-operative complication without surgery. Finally I get to keep my already fried and non-functioning girl parts.
In theory if I have the surgery it should reduce my risk of recurrence (but of course it is not guaranteed). Another point for the surgery is that apparently after radiation there is a window of opportunity for surgery before scar tissue starts to set in and my pelvic organs begin to meld with one another. If I wait to have surgery until later (because I change my mind or I have a cancer recurrence) then it would most likely be a more difficult surgery with a higher risk of complications.
While I definitely have a choice, I feel like unless I am told otherwise, the best option is to have the surgery.
I didn't want to choose this, but I don't ever want to go through all of this again. I hated chemo and found radiation to be so degrading.
I've never had anything more than day surgery and while this is only a laparoscopic hysterectomy it is still scary to me. The surgery itself is scary. Being a patient in the hospital is scary to me (plan right now is only one night though) and how this is going to effect my family is scary to me.
Fortunately we have freezer meals, but I think I am going to set up another meal sign-up to help Geoff. My mom will be here for a few days next week to help. We also have daycare on Tuesdays and Thursdays for Ella, but I'm worried about Geoff managing where everyone is, where they are supposed to be, his work load and schedule, and me. Of course we'll get through it, we always do.
If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know here or on facebook...
Other than that we'll have to save my integrative medicine meeting until tomorrow or another day.
Things I have learned from cancer today:
Sleep is invaluable. (I should be asleep).
The consensus at tumor board was that according to the MRI, I am cancer free. Once again, yay! Unfortunately they did not all agree what to do with me.
The votes were 4:2 against surgery.
Of the 4 against surgery, 1 was my radiation oncologist. We already knew this is how she felt. Another felt that when there was "the spot on my cervix" they should have biopsied it to ensure it was still tumor and then done surgery asap. Another felt that I should be watched closely with scans every 2 months and if anything is questionable, biopsy under anesthesia. The final vote against surgery wasn't strongly one way or another but felt the recommendation against was fine.
Of the 2 for surgery, 1 was my gyn oncologist. He feels pretty strongly about this. Strongly enough that if I don't have the surgery he thinks it would be best for my next appointment if I were to consult with one of his colleagues who recommend against.
The problem is...there is no evidence either way. No one really knows what to do.
Reasons to not do the surgery is that I might never have a recurrence, thereby making surgery unnecessary. No chance for an operative/post-operative complication without surgery. Finally I get to keep my already fried and non-functioning girl parts.
In theory if I have the surgery it should reduce my risk of recurrence (but of course it is not guaranteed). Another point for the surgery is that apparently after radiation there is a window of opportunity for surgery before scar tissue starts to set in and my pelvic organs begin to meld with one another. If I wait to have surgery until later (because I change my mind or I have a cancer recurrence) then it would most likely be a more difficult surgery with a higher risk of complications.
While I definitely have a choice, I feel like unless I am told otherwise, the best option is to have the surgery.
I didn't want to choose this, but I don't ever want to go through all of this again. I hated chemo and found radiation to be so degrading.
I've never had anything more than day surgery and while this is only a laparoscopic hysterectomy it is still scary to me. The surgery itself is scary. Being a patient in the hospital is scary to me (plan right now is only one night though) and how this is going to effect my family is scary to me.
Fortunately we have freezer meals, but I think I am going to set up another meal sign-up to help Geoff. My mom will be here for a few days next week to help. We also have daycare on Tuesdays and Thursdays for Ella, but I'm worried about Geoff managing where everyone is, where they are supposed to be, his work load and schedule, and me. Of course we'll get through it, we always do.
If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know here or on facebook...
Other than that we'll have to save my integrative medicine meeting until tomorrow or another day.
Things I have learned from cancer today:
Sleep is invaluable. (I should be asleep).
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Senioritis
So tomorrow is the big day...
I have waited since my initial diagnosis of cancer for an appointment with my integrative medicine MD. She is the only integrative med MD at UW with an additional focus of oncology. I took the first appointment I could get with her back in July/August and I am hoping it was worth the wait.
I'm curious to see what my appointment is going to be like and what she will have to say. I have had months of hearing how wonderful she is to build up my expectations. It is probably a good thing that my MRI yesterday showed no cancer; otherwise, I think I would have to expect that my appointment tomorrow would lead to the immediate cessation of any abnormal cell growth. J/k. My expectations are not thhhhhhhaaaat high.
Tumor board review finishes less than an hour before my appointment with her. In other words, I am wondering if I will find out results before my appointment or will I get stuck playing phone tag. I can't even imagine not finding out the plan tomorrow. I thought I would be calm and collected about all of this, but obviously I'm not. There is just too much to think about. I was hoping that I would get the results I did yesterday, but I wasn't expecting anyone to tell me that their recommendation at this point would be to cancel the surgery and just watch.
I have been told from day 1 that even if results were to come back clean, the recommendation would probably be to still do surgery or chemo. Even on my last appointment I was told the same thing. This is only because of the type of cancer I had. Since it is rare and can be aggressive and I'm young, they feel it is best to be aggressive with my treatment (I know I've said all this too many times before...but they always say it to me, so I'll pass it on to you).
Of course I don't want a hysterectomy. NOT. AT. ALL. At the same I don't ever want clear cell adenocarcinoma to take up co-residence with me again. While I am sure all of this will be considered, it is my body/life so I am pretty stressed waiting to find out the final consensus. For now it is just a lot of radical acceptance and distraction with my overbearing load of homework.
On that note, I'm trying so hard to focus...but with everything else going on and a severe case of senioritis it will be a miracle if I pass my test tomorrow!
I have waited since my initial diagnosis of cancer for an appointment with my integrative medicine MD. She is the only integrative med MD at UW with an additional focus of oncology. I took the first appointment I could get with her back in July/August and I am hoping it was worth the wait.
I'm curious to see what my appointment is going to be like and what she will have to say. I have had months of hearing how wonderful she is to build up my expectations. It is probably a good thing that my MRI yesterday showed no cancer; otherwise, I think I would have to expect that my appointment tomorrow would lead to the immediate cessation of any abnormal cell growth. J/k. My expectations are not thhhhhhhaaaat high.
Tumor board review finishes less than an hour before my appointment with her. In other words, I am wondering if I will find out results before my appointment or will I get stuck playing phone tag. I can't even imagine not finding out the plan tomorrow. I thought I would be calm and collected about all of this, but obviously I'm not. There is just too much to think about. I was hoping that I would get the results I did yesterday, but I wasn't expecting anyone to tell me that their recommendation at this point would be to cancel the surgery and just watch.
I have been told from day 1 that even if results were to come back clean, the recommendation would probably be to still do surgery or chemo. Even on my last appointment I was told the same thing. This is only because of the type of cancer I had. Since it is rare and can be aggressive and I'm young, they feel it is best to be aggressive with my treatment (I know I've said all this too many times before...but they always say it to me, so I'll pass it on to you).
Of course I don't want a hysterectomy. NOT. AT. ALL. At the same I don't ever want clear cell adenocarcinoma to take up co-residence with me again. While I am sure all of this will be considered, it is my body/life so I am pretty stressed waiting to find out the final consensus. For now it is just a lot of radical acceptance and distraction with my overbearing load of homework.
On that note, I'm trying so hard to focus...but with everything else going on and a severe case of senioritis it will be a miracle if I pass my test tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Commando
The day started with a 6:45 am MRI.
I was greeted by my favorite valet as I arrived at the hospital. A quick "hi" and then I ran off to the radiology department.
MRI's for gyn issues are not exactly a girl's dream come true. I came dressed for the occasion, no metal and comfy clothes. No matter, I still ended up wearing the unflattering hospital issued pj pants. I debated it, but only for a brief moment. Really there is no choice because of the giant syringe of conducting gel that has to be inserted into, well, use your imagination.
If that stuff oozes out, and it will, then your pants are shot. They give you towels and feminine hygiene products to arm yourself, but that goo is attracted to anywhere not appropriately protected.
I settled down on the bed of the scanner filled with goo like a jelly-filled donut. I had my IV hooked up for the MRI contrast (I opted to skip the port drama today and just get a normal peripheral IV) and the giant foam piece that straps down over my abdomen to help conduct the radio waves or improve the images or something. I was asked if I wanted to listen to music and what kind. I was given options and a set of bulky old school headphones were placed over my ears.
The MRI was started and I had no music. Then I was told that Pandora wasn't working, but I would be able to listen to a local radio station. I figured "fine. whatever." then that radio statio turned out to be non-NPR talk radio. Ug.
Overall I could barely hear it over UW's archaic MRI. It really didn't matter though. I was extremely tired so I snoozed in and out during the whole process. After I was settled inside the tube I never opened my eyes again until I was done and out of the tube.
After my MRI I went to change back into my normal clothes and I realized that my underwear were a complete loss from the conducting gel. Commando it would be. I debated using my free time to run to Macy's or Target, but in my heart of hearts I knew I needed the time to study so I sucked it up.
I found a place to study for the next couple hours and then I headed to the radiation oncology department. Small observation, it still feels like my home away from home. Geoff met up with me and shortly thereafter we met up with my radiation oncologist and our resident.
I had another pelvic exam and based off the exam and the tentative MRI results..................................
.................................................................................................................................................................
wait for it.................................................................................................................................................
.................................................................................................................................................................
THERE IS NO MORE CANCER!!!!.....NONE!!!!
I still have to wait for the final results and the decision from tumor board review on Thursday, but I may not be having surgery next Tuesday after all. I left UW feeling like I was walking on sunshine!
Then I went home to continue studying. I took my test and I am now officially done with one of my 2 incompletes. 1 more incomplete and the 3 classes I have this term and I am done with the didactic portion of my grad school education.
Dinner was brought to us by a friend tonight in addition to a bunch of freezer meals and other treats. This friend has kept us going all through treatments and I don't know what we would have done without the support from her and her family.
All-in-all it was a beautiful day even if I did spend a good portion of it going commando.
What cancer has taught me (day #2):
Always bring an extra pair of underwear to a pelvic MRI. You just never know if you are going to need them...
I was greeted by my favorite valet as I arrived at the hospital. A quick "hi" and then I ran off to the radiology department.
MRI's for gyn issues are not exactly a girl's dream come true. I came dressed for the occasion, no metal and comfy clothes. No matter, I still ended up wearing the unflattering hospital issued pj pants. I debated it, but only for a brief moment. Really there is no choice because of the giant syringe of conducting gel that has to be inserted into, well, use your imagination.
If that stuff oozes out, and it will, then your pants are shot. They give you towels and feminine hygiene products to arm yourself, but that goo is attracted to anywhere not appropriately protected.
I settled down on the bed of the scanner filled with goo like a jelly-filled donut. I had my IV hooked up for the MRI contrast (I opted to skip the port drama today and just get a normal peripheral IV) and the giant foam piece that straps down over my abdomen to help conduct the radio waves or improve the images or something. I was asked if I wanted to listen to music and what kind. I was given options and a set of bulky old school headphones were placed over my ears.
The MRI was started and I had no music. Then I was told that Pandora wasn't working, but I would be able to listen to a local radio station. I figured "fine. whatever." then that radio statio turned out to be non-NPR talk radio. Ug.
Overall I could barely hear it over UW's archaic MRI. It really didn't matter though. I was extremely tired so I snoozed in and out during the whole process. After I was settled inside the tube I never opened my eyes again until I was done and out of the tube.
After my MRI I went to change back into my normal clothes and I realized that my underwear were a complete loss from the conducting gel. Commando it would be. I debated using my free time to run to Macy's or Target, but in my heart of hearts I knew I needed the time to study so I sucked it up.
I found a place to study for the next couple hours and then I headed to the radiation oncology department. Small observation, it still feels like my home away from home. Geoff met up with me and shortly thereafter we met up with my radiation oncologist and our resident.
I had another pelvic exam and based off the exam and the tentative MRI results..................................
.................................................................................................................................................................
wait for it.................................................................................................................................................
.................................................................................................................................................................
THERE IS NO MORE CANCER!!!!.....NONE!!!!
I still have to wait for the final results and the decision from tumor board review on Thursday, but I may not be having surgery next Tuesday after all. I left UW feeling like I was walking on sunshine!
Then I went home to continue studying. I took my test and I am now officially done with one of my 2 incompletes. 1 more incomplete and the 3 classes I have this term and I am done with the didactic portion of my grad school education.
Dinner was brought to us by a friend tonight in addition to a bunch of freezer meals and other treats. This friend has kept us going all through treatments and I don't know what we would have done without the support from her and her family.
All-in-all it was a beautiful day even if I did spend a good portion of it going commando.
What cancer has taught me (day #2):
Always bring an extra pair of underwear to a pelvic MRI. You just never know if you are going to need them...
Monday, November 5, 2012
Stressed
I have to make this quick because I have more on my plate than I think I can possibly handle right now. To begin with, I still have two pending incompletes from last term. The deadline for incompletes is tomorrow. I have requested an extra week for my Market Research Paper (a really long paper...like about 50 pages if you include all the abstracts and references), so I have until November 13th. My other class though I have to take a test by tomorrow night. It shouldn't be that bad, but I have built it into this giant unsurpassable mountain. Did I mention that I may have test anxiety? I usually can keep it from rearing it's ugly head too badly, but this time, it's out of control.
Probably there are good reasons for that. Other things going on tomorrow...I have my big MRI at 6:45 am. Then I have a radiation oncology appointment at 11 am. There is enough time to go home, but not really, so I'm just going to find somewhere to study in the meantime. I'm stressed about all of this, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm going to find out much tomorrow. The final answer won't be until after tumor board reviews everything on Thursday and I would be surprised if I don't end up having surgery next week. Both oncologists seemed pretty set on the surgery...Back to the stressful aspects of it all...There is the fact that I despise MRI's (well, the ones I know I am having anyway). Add that with this frustrating numbness and tingling and it is going to make for a really long time of trying to lay still. Ug!
Then there is the election. I used to hate politics and avoid everything to do with them. Now, I'm not such a fan of politics, but I have very strong political viewpoints. I'm sick of this election. I'm sick of trying to be polite and respectful. More than anything, I'm sick of people calling the minute I get to sleep for a carefully planned nap or ringing my doorbell as soon as I get my kids down for their naps (thereby wrecking my nap). I respect these people and am never mean to them, but seriously people, I voted last week and so did my husband.
In addition to all of this, the three classes that I actually have this term all have tests between now and Friday the 16th. I also have a case study next week. Oh, and I'm probably going to have a hysterectomy.
We got our estimate back to have everything from the bathroom flooding fixed along with a few upgrades and it was thousands, really thousands, apart from what our insurance estimated. Of course our insurance thinks that we can have an electrition make a house-call and replace a recessed light for a $100. So we have phone calls to the insurance company to make. Meanwhile, the bathroom repairs don't start until December 3rd and we haven't even worked out the living room because until we work some of this out with our insurance we have no idea how we are going afford to fix the living room.
Finally, I have a couple friends that are suffering severe losses right now and I want to be there for them. That's what friends are for.
*Sigh* Alright, I got all that off my chest. Sorry it was a lot to unload. I really didn't want this to be a complaining post and I feel like that is the tone it took, so I apologize. I still recognize that I am blessed. I am very fortunate that I have been able to juggle school with all of this. I am fortunate to live somewhere that we are able to vote and make choices about our leaders. I am also fortunate that we have such a nice home with other bathrooms and levels to accommodate us during this time of disarray.
Since the cancer chain quote of the day is now done, I decided that I wanted something to replace it. I liked the theme of my post from yesterday. So for now I am going to give it a little twist and each day I am going to write something different that I can thank cancer for...
Today I am thankful that cancer has left me my hair (for now anyway). My hair and I may not always agree and there are plenty of times when I neglect my hair, but I love having my own hair. It's a part of me that I am grateful to still have.
Probably there are good reasons for that. Other things going on tomorrow...I have my big MRI at 6:45 am. Then I have a radiation oncology appointment at 11 am. There is enough time to go home, but not really, so I'm just going to find somewhere to study in the meantime. I'm stressed about all of this, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm going to find out much tomorrow. The final answer won't be until after tumor board reviews everything on Thursday and I would be surprised if I don't end up having surgery next week. Both oncologists seemed pretty set on the surgery...Back to the stressful aspects of it all...There is the fact that I despise MRI's (well, the ones I know I am having anyway). Add that with this frustrating numbness and tingling and it is going to make for a really long time of trying to lay still. Ug!
Then there is the election. I used to hate politics and avoid everything to do with them. Now, I'm not such a fan of politics, but I have very strong political viewpoints. I'm sick of this election. I'm sick of trying to be polite and respectful. More than anything, I'm sick of people calling the minute I get to sleep for a carefully planned nap or ringing my doorbell as soon as I get my kids down for their naps (thereby wrecking my nap). I respect these people and am never mean to them, but seriously people, I voted last week and so did my husband.
In addition to all of this, the three classes that I actually have this term all have tests between now and Friday the 16th. I also have a case study next week. Oh, and I'm probably going to have a hysterectomy.
We got our estimate back to have everything from the bathroom flooding fixed along with a few upgrades and it was thousands, really thousands, apart from what our insurance estimated. Of course our insurance thinks that we can have an electrition make a house-call and replace a recessed light for a $100. So we have phone calls to the insurance company to make. Meanwhile, the bathroom repairs don't start until December 3rd and we haven't even worked out the living room because until we work some of this out with our insurance we have no idea how we are going afford to fix the living room.
Finally, I have a couple friends that are suffering severe losses right now and I want to be there for them. That's what friends are for.
*Sigh* Alright, I got all that off my chest. Sorry it was a lot to unload. I really didn't want this to be a complaining post and I feel like that is the tone it took, so I apologize. I still recognize that I am blessed. I am very fortunate that I have been able to juggle school with all of this. I am fortunate to live somewhere that we are able to vote and make choices about our leaders. I am also fortunate that we have such a nice home with other bathrooms and levels to accommodate us during this time of disarray.
Since the cancer chain quote of the day is now done, I decided that I wanted something to replace it. I liked the theme of my post from yesterday. So for now I am going to give it a little twist and each day I am going to write something different that I can thank cancer for...
Today I am thankful that cancer has left me my hair (for now anyway). My hair and I may not always agree and there are plenty of times when I neglect my hair, but I love having my own hair. It's a part of me that I am grateful to still have.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
What I've learned...
As many of my Facebook friends (myself included) take the opportunity each day of November to write something they are thankful for, I realized that it was time to write a post about what I've learned from Cancer.
Now I'm not saying that any of this makes it worth having cancer, but really not everything about cancer is bad. Cancer has taught me a lot. Ok, a lot of it I knew pre-cancer, but cancer has given these lessons new meaning and depth.
Last cancer chain quote of the day:
"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Now I'm not saying that any of this makes it worth having cancer, but really not everything about cancer is bad. Cancer has taught me a lot. Ok, a lot of it I knew pre-cancer, but cancer has given these lessons new meaning and depth.
- I've learned to love more openly.
- I've learned to accept love more openly.
- I've learned how many people are in my life and to not take anyone for granted.
- I've learned that I really do have an impact on others.
- I've learned to be a better listener.
- I've learned to live in the moment.
- I've learned to really appreciate the small things.
- I've learned to prioritize naps (not just for the kids...)
- I've learned that my household (husband, kids, pets) are more important that anything else.
- I've learned that sometimes it's the valet at the hospital that brings the most sunshine into your day.
- I've learned how important it is to explain everything you are going to do to your patients and to ALWAYS protect their privacy.
- I've learned to do whatever you can to help someone that needs help. They will remember and appreciate whatever you can do. No matter how big or how small it seems to you.
- I've learned that while we can't all agree on basic civil rights, religion, or a leader for our country, the fight against cancer is universal.
- I've learned you really can't judge how a person feels by how they look.
- I've learned that people, even complete strangers, want to help.
- I've learned to accept help and even ask for it (possibly the hardest lessons I've learned).
- I've learned that when/if any of my family/friends go through any hard times I will be there in all the ways that people have been there for me.
Last cancer chain quote of the day:
"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Saturday, November 3, 2012
80 years old
Last night I didn't write a post-I swear I have a good excuse...
Ella was at daycare yesterday instead of Thursday this week, so it was just E and I. We made this change because of our visitors on Thursday and also because I was the parent helper at E's preschool yesterday.
I'm not sure I was much of a helper, but I had a great time. More than anything I found the experience to be enlightening. So many of E's new mannerisms and choices make more sense now (we figured they were related to preschool, but I could see exactly where they came from). I think E loved having me there and so did one of his best "girl" friends. The two of them used to go to Little Gym together and they love being in the same preschool class.
After preschool we had lunch and then the plan was we would both take naps. Depending on my nap I was debating riding my horse vs. buckling down and getting homework done. I figured I was going to have to just do the homework, but I was optimistic that I would only need a short nap and get some homework done before Geoff got home from work. In the end, I did neither.
I slept all afternoon. I didn't wake up until Geoff called to say he was one the way home from work. Then I started shivering, teeth chattering shivering, and I couldn't stop. I had a heating pad near me so I turned that on to high, but it made no difference. My joints were hurting excessively and the numbness/tingling in my hands and feet seemed out of control. The worst part was that I was excessively weak. I didn't even feel like I could stand up on my own.
I knew Geoff was almost home so I waited for him. He started a hot bath for me (don't tell anyone...the restoration people told us we could use the bath while we are waiting on new flooring if we put down a bunch of towels/bath mats). He also got me a warm flannel shirt and my chemo socks (warm wool socks that one of my friends sent me in a care package...I always used them on chemo nights when I would be excessively cold).
Geoff really is a pro at all of this. This minus the joint pain and numbness/tingling is what chemo days were like. In addition to running around and getting microwavable heat packs ready for when I'm done in the bath, he was trying to help balance my interactions with the kids. I can't hold them or do the things they want, but Ella was gone all day and constantly cries/yells "MAMA!" because she wants to be with me. Worse yet, she wants to be in the tub with me, but even though the water seemed icy cold to me it was too hot for her. It didn't even register on our safety duck-the high temp is 100 F.
After my short soak, Geoff tucked me back in with my heating pad and a couple microwavable heating packs. He put extra blankets on me and got me pain meds. While he was doing all of this I started throwing up. Geoff decided it was time to call the radiation oncology department. The resident he talked to thought it might be related to me starting Gabapentin, a med for the numbness/tingling in my fingers/toes, on Thursday. His other thought was possibly an infection. Since this scenario has happened so many times, we don't think it was a med reaction, but I'm being extra careful just in case.
Regardless, I ended up staying in bed all evening/night. I woke up at one point with a weird feeling that someone was looking at me. I opened my eyes and there was E smiling at me. He was waiting for his goodnight kiss. Later on, Geoff came to tell me he was going to walk with Ella to get her to sleep and I told him to lay her next to me. She cuddled in with me, closed her eyes and went to sleep almost immediately.
Today we had promised E we would take him to see the Santa train. My oldest brother shares E's love of trains and is also an ex Marine. A few weeks ago, he let us know that Santa would be coming through our town with Toys for Tots on a refurbished steam engine. We also had wanted to drive to northern WI to visit my grandparents after the train, but we realized last night that wasn't going to happen.
I'll do anything for my kids though. I don't care how miserable I am, I am able to find super strength when faced with potentially disappointing my kids. Worst case scenario, I would have sent Geoff with the kiddos to see the train, but I figured it was only 20 minutes or so. My brother texted me early this morning to let me know that the steam engine had mechanical failures so it was replaced with a passenger diesel.
E doesn't care if the train is a steam engine or a diesel. He just wanted to see Santa and the train. He couldn't have been more happy....until the train left. Then he was so sad that we drove a few minutes to the next stop to see the train again. All together we were gone for maybe an hour and by the time we got back home I was exhausted and needed a nap.
It kinda sucks when you feel like you are 80 years old, but it's pretty great that despite feeling miserable I could still make my kid's day. That's the advantage of my kids being so little as I go through all of this. I'm not constantly disappointing them.
Cancer chain quote of the day:
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon
Ella was at daycare yesterday instead of Thursday this week, so it was just E and I. We made this change because of our visitors on Thursday and also because I was the parent helper at E's preschool yesterday.
I'm not sure I was much of a helper, but I had a great time. More than anything I found the experience to be enlightening. So many of E's new mannerisms and choices make more sense now (we figured they were related to preschool, but I could see exactly where they came from). I think E loved having me there and so did one of his best "girl" friends. The two of them used to go to Little Gym together and they love being in the same preschool class.
After preschool we had lunch and then the plan was we would both take naps. Depending on my nap I was debating riding my horse vs. buckling down and getting homework done. I figured I was going to have to just do the homework, but I was optimistic that I would only need a short nap and get some homework done before Geoff got home from work. In the end, I did neither.
I slept all afternoon. I didn't wake up until Geoff called to say he was one the way home from work. Then I started shivering, teeth chattering shivering, and I couldn't stop. I had a heating pad near me so I turned that on to high, but it made no difference. My joints were hurting excessively and the numbness/tingling in my hands and feet seemed out of control. The worst part was that I was excessively weak. I didn't even feel like I could stand up on my own.
I knew Geoff was almost home so I waited for him. He started a hot bath for me (don't tell anyone...the restoration people told us we could use the bath while we are waiting on new flooring if we put down a bunch of towels/bath mats). He also got me a warm flannel shirt and my chemo socks (warm wool socks that one of my friends sent me in a care package...I always used them on chemo nights when I would be excessively cold).
Geoff really is a pro at all of this. This minus the joint pain and numbness/tingling is what chemo days were like. In addition to running around and getting microwavable heat packs ready for when I'm done in the bath, he was trying to help balance my interactions with the kids. I can't hold them or do the things they want, but Ella was gone all day and constantly cries/yells "MAMA!" because she wants to be with me. Worse yet, she wants to be in the tub with me, but even though the water seemed icy cold to me it was too hot for her. It didn't even register on our safety duck-the high temp is 100 F.
After my short soak, Geoff tucked me back in with my heating pad and a couple microwavable heating packs. He put extra blankets on me and got me pain meds. While he was doing all of this I started throwing up. Geoff decided it was time to call the radiation oncology department. The resident he talked to thought it might be related to me starting Gabapentin, a med for the numbness/tingling in my fingers/toes, on Thursday. His other thought was possibly an infection. Since this scenario has happened so many times, we don't think it was a med reaction, but I'm being extra careful just in case.
Regardless, I ended up staying in bed all evening/night. I woke up at one point with a weird feeling that someone was looking at me. I opened my eyes and there was E smiling at me. He was waiting for his goodnight kiss. Later on, Geoff came to tell me he was going to walk with Ella to get her to sleep and I told him to lay her next to me. She cuddled in with me, closed her eyes and went to sleep almost immediately.
Today we had promised E we would take him to see the Santa train. My oldest brother shares E's love of trains and is also an ex Marine. A few weeks ago, he let us know that Santa would be coming through our town with Toys for Tots on a refurbished steam engine. We also had wanted to drive to northern WI to visit my grandparents after the train, but we realized last night that wasn't going to happen.
I'll do anything for my kids though. I don't care how miserable I am, I am able to find super strength when faced with potentially disappointing my kids. Worst case scenario, I would have sent Geoff with the kiddos to see the train, but I figured it was only 20 minutes or so. My brother texted me early this morning to let me know that the steam engine had mechanical failures so it was replaced with a passenger diesel.
E doesn't care if the train is a steam engine or a diesel. He just wanted to see Santa and the train. He couldn't have been more happy....until the train left. Then he was so sad that we drove a few minutes to the next stop to see the train again. All together we were gone for maybe an hour and by the time we got back home I was exhausted and needed a nap.
It kinda sucks when you feel like you are 80 years old, but it's pretty great that despite feeling miserable I could still make my kid's day. That's the advantage of my kids being so little as I go through all of this. I'm not constantly disappointing them.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon
Friday, November 2, 2012
Blast off!
Last night after Trick or Treat time I made a quick run to the grocery store and then came home and passed out, literally. I was asleep before the kids were even in bed.
Here are a few pictures from last night...
Tonight we did our annual post-Halloween trip to Target. We bought E a costume for next Halloween, but I'm starting to think it might just be a "dress up" costume (if it is for next Halloween, now you have all seen it already). He ran around the house yelling "1. 2. 3. Blast off!!!" and then would either run or beg one of us to lift him in the air and "give (him) a blast off." It was adorable.
On a completely different note...I was blessed with very special visitors today. When I was pregnant with Ella all of my prenatal appointments were done with my midwife and her student. Both my midwife and her student went to the same school that I am going to now. Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances the student needed to return home to a different state a couple days before Ella was born.
Geoff and I were pretty bummed (we still had an amazing birth team). We were very attached to our midwifery team. Before she left the student called to let me know and thanks to social networking, particularly related to our school we have been able to keep track of each other. I was thrilled when she passed boards and became a full-fledged CNM (certified nurse midwife). I was even more thrilled a few days ago when she called and asked if I was going to be home today for a visit.
She came this afternoon with her "adopted adult daughter." I don't have appropriate words to describe their visit. I've been thinking a lot lately about the gift of listening and just being there for people. I realize it is not one of my strengths and yet, something that many people seem to need. Today's visit really brought that home to me.
They came armed with hope and spirituality. There was talking, but there was more listening and music and as cheesy as it may sound, peace. It really was peaceful. It was a visit that I may not have words to describe appropriately here, but I will always remember.
Ella finally was able to meet the voice that she listened to so many times while she was in my womb. She was extremely shy at first (she had just woke up from a nap), but eventually decided that she wanted to travel back with these two (good choice Ella!). It felt right that Ella and "the student" were finally able to meet.
One of my favorite things that was said today was something along the
lines of "I wasn't able to be your midwife at your birth, but I can
midwife you now."
I feel so special that these two wonderful women drove hours from another state just to visit and bless me.
Thank you.
Cancer chain quote of the day:
"And this too will pass." This means to me that nothing we go through lasts forever and that once it is over I will be stronger for going through it.
Here are a few pictures from last night...
 |
| Our flower and cowboy (his "Lucky" the pony is tipped over) |
 | |
| Post trick-or-treating...before pjs |
Tonight we did our annual post-Halloween trip to Target. We bought E a costume for next Halloween, but I'm starting to think it might just be a "dress up" costume (if it is for next Halloween, now you have all seen it already). He ran around the house yelling "1. 2. 3. Blast off!!!" and then would either run or beg one of us to lift him in the air and "give (him) a blast off." It was adorable.
 |
| 1. 2. 3.... |
 | |
| BLAST OFF! |
On a completely different note...I was blessed with very special visitors today. When I was pregnant with Ella all of my prenatal appointments were done with my midwife and her student. Both my midwife and her student went to the same school that I am going to now. Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances the student needed to return home to a different state a couple days before Ella was born.
Geoff and I were pretty bummed (we still had an amazing birth team). We were very attached to our midwifery team. Before she left the student called to let me know and thanks to social networking, particularly related to our school we have been able to keep track of each other. I was thrilled when she passed boards and became a full-fledged CNM (certified nurse midwife). I was even more thrilled a few days ago when she called and asked if I was going to be home today for a visit.
She came this afternoon with her "adopted adult daughter." I don't have appropriate words to describe their visit. I've been thinking a lot lately about the gift of listening and just being there for people. I realize it is not one of my strengths and yet, something that many people seem to need. Today's visit really brought that home to me.
They came armed with hope and spirituality. There was talking, but there was more listening and music and as cheesy as it may sound, peace. It really was peaceful. It was a visit that I may not have words to describe appropriately here, but I will always remember.
 | ||
| Sorry it's blurry, but they were dancing... |
 | |
| Music that made me smile, laugh, and cry... |
 |
| "The Student" |
Ella finally was able to meet the voice that she listened to so many times while she was in my womb. She was extremely shy at first (she had just woke up from a nap), but eventually decided that she wanted to travel back with these two (good choice Ella!). It felt right that Ella and "the student" were finally able to meet.
 | |
| "The daughter with my daughter" |
I feel so special that these two wonderful women drove hours from another state just to visit and bless me.
Thank you.
Cancer chain quote of the day:
"And this too will pass." This means to me that nothing we go through lasts forever and that once it is over I will be stronger for going through it.
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