Waiting, waiting, waiting...

So today, Monday March 4th, 2013 has been on my calendar as an awaited day for months. This is the big day. The day that we confirm I am doing great and set up all the scans and whatever to prove that.

It's the first appointment I've had with my radiation oncologist since November. I really like her and I've missed her (a little), but I really didn't want to go back to radiology for anything. It's not like I'm overly anxious, more just in denial.

My parents volunteered to babysit because I mentioned this appointment in another blog post and my mom read it. I didn't have to even ask. That's pretty much been my approach to today. "I'll deal with it as it comes."

Initially I was excited. It was a milestone. Then I realized it was really just a gateway to more tests and another pelvic exam. Would you be excited for that?

As I got ready to go to the cancer center for my appointment this morning I found myself dragging to get out the door. I looked at the clock and realized a few months ago I would already be home from a radiation treatment and I hadn't even left yet. Then as I was driving I felt the closer I got, the more I wanted to go back home.

Then it hit me. I didn't want to go because I felt like I was finally starting to get my life back together and I didn't want anything to shatter that. As I explained it to Geoff...one of my guilty pleasures are lottery scratch offs. I like the crossword puzzle ones. They are stupid and a waste of a couple dollars, but every one in a while I get one for a car trip and I sit and slowly scratch away while Geoff drives and we talk. Then if I win my money back I tuck it away so I can play another day...but if there was a chance I could lose everything. Everything. I would never play a scratch off game again. Ever.

I was pleased that I was able articulate my feelings and put on my big girl pants and marched on it to check in. Once I was checked into the cancer center I headed down to the dungeon that is the radiation department. Geoff was meeting me there, so I was alone for this part. It was hard. It looked the same, it smelled the same, but there was no one waiting for me at one of the treatment rooms. I expected I would see a familiar face, but I also didn't want to. I wanted to get in and get out.

I made it to the radiation check in unrecognized and found a spot to wait for my appointment and Geoff. Next thing I knew we were headed back to an exam room. The one that I had my first appointment ever in.

I did all the usual vital signs and questions with a nurse, then more questions with a resident, and then finally my oncologist joined us. She asked questions which led to more questions. She did an exam and then she and the resident left so I could get dressed. I looked at Geoff and said "that didn't go well...something is wrong." He told me I was being silly, but he was trying to listen to their conversation outside the room.


When they came back she was brutally honest. My last CT scan was in January. It was from my little visit to the emergency dept. Apparently, this scan showed some abdominal lymph nodes just outside my radiation field to be enlarged. This could be because I had just had surgery or it could be because...well, I can't even say it.

Based on her looking at those scans herself and what I told her about how I was feeling (basically that I'm doing better, but still tired/nauseous/sore/whatever), she decided she wanted me to have another CT now. Today. She was serious.

I lost it. This was NOT part of my plan for the day. I was going to my appointment and then I was going to go home to celebrate. My mom even made a lemon meringue pie. Instead I left NPO (nothing per oral...aka I can't eat) and with a few hours to spare before my Ct scan.

I had enough time to run home, change and let the dogs out. Geoff came home from work to be with me and now we are waiting again...

I have drank all but the last little bit of my three contrast cups. I'm supposed to leave about a third of a cup to chug when they are actually ready for me. I really think these drinks should be in red Solo cups-it would make it more fun.

I have calmed down considerably since we left the first appointment. Geoff confided that he really had agreed that something was wrong because there was no positive comment before my oncologist left the room, like usual.

We are both thrown and frustrated, but we are hoping this is just a side effect of having multiple people managing your care. Hopefully, it's just a case of being overly cautious...We will find out later today or tomorrow. In the meantime, we will just hug each other a lot and be thankful for all the good luck we do have.