Still waiting...

So it is now 4:20 pm. I am sitting with my cell phone and my house phone and a box of tissues. This is excruciating.

On one hand, I feel overly dramatic. It is just a phone call afterall. Of course this phone call may have serious repercussions for the rest of our lives, but even so, worst case scenario this phone call will only lead to more tests before anything is certain.

On the other hand, it is hard to not over think the situation. Ever been sick from something and remembered years later how it made you feel? That will be chemo for me. A few months ago we were talking with Geoff's brother about someone he knows that was getting Cisplatin, the type of chemo I had. Every time he would say the name I would feel sicker and sicker. I could feel the horrible sensation of the cold fluid going into the port in my chest, knowing I was only hours away from feeling more horrible than I ever have before. I would remember how halfway through chemo treatments I would be sick in the bathroom with diarrhea and then get home and that would evolve to vomiting too. Eventually all of it would be accompanied by shaking and chills and pure misery.

Then there are all the thoughts about finally getting my life back on track and how hard this has been financially. I have no idea how we can do anymore. Geoff just keeps telling me we will, but I don't know.

The cruel irony is that lingering in the back of my mind was a conversation that we had this weekend about how lucky we are...Another homebirth mama in Madison was taken off of life support yesterday after having a stroke. She was a mother to 5 children, the youngest is only 3 months. I have seen information about her via the Madison Homebirth Group and other people on Facebook that went to the same church as her or were friends with her. There have been requests to help her family, particularly with breast milk donation. I have been following for a few days and it has made me so sad. I kept saying everything we have been through is nothing compared to what they are going through. We are so lucky...really we are.

Then at 4:29 my phone call finally came...I was off the phone by 4:34, but now I'm waiting for another phone call. One that probably won't happen until tomorrow am. I need biopsies. My CT showed multiple (about 6) nodules in my abdomen. The largest is about 3/4" or 1.6 cm. I don't know whether these are big/small. I don't care (ok, actually I do...and I figure they must be small since there wasn't a big stink made in January). The original cervical mass I had was just over 4 cm so that's my only comparison. Overall, I'm just numb.

Apparently, these are about the same sizes seen on the CT scan in January, so if they were just related to surgery they should have gone down by now.  In addition there were 2 or 3 very small nodules in my chest, but there is no baseline to compare them to. None of my CT scans have been chest CT's before. My PET scan included my chest, but PET scan slices are thicker so those could have always been there. Regardless, we are just "watching" those.

So the plan is biopsies and they will decide if these nodules are metastasis from cervical cancer. Then assuming they are, my oncologists will decide if I can have a lymph node resection (aka have my lymph nodes removed), or if I need more radiation/chemo

...and now I'm back to where I was earlier today. It's hard to ignore the idea of more chemo or radiation. I know that if I need more chemo, I will lose my hair this time and last time will seem like a cake walk. It makes me sick just thinking about it all. It's hard not to think if I have cancerous nodules all over my abdomen (and chest) is it going to be too much this time? Will my kids grow up without their mom too? Am I doing the wrong thing with trying to finish grad school or should I be reveling in each moment I can have with my children?

I guess there are no answers. We will just have to figure it all out as it comes. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers because we need them right now. We are scared.

Also, keep these guys in your thoughts and prayers...(and if you have an extra breast milk....) http://hacklfamilyfund.com/