Yesterday I was at work. I wasn't really expecting to hear back on my biopsy results so fast, and yet I was. I had my phone in my pocket on vibrate just in case.
I won't lie it made me jumpy and just as I was thinking that maybe it was time to ditch the phone, I looked at it and realized I missed a call...from my oncologist. Amazingly, I didn't over think whether a phone call this soon was good or bad (I had done that earlier).
I had to wait to call back because I had just started a check off with a nursing student. She was testing out on her IV "piggyback" skills (i.e. how to hang an antibiotic or those little tiny IV bags you might see in a hospital/on tv). Ironically, she was flustered and having a hard time concentrating. She did a good job, but I kept thinking hey! If I can concentrate right now, anyone can.
Regardless, as soon as she was done I snuck off to return the phone call. My oncologist answered. There was a very quick greeting and then...
Her: Are you at home?
Me: No. I'm at work.
Her: (very slight pause)
Me: (as I slid into a chair) it's bad isn't it? Just tell me. I'm sitting down now.
Her: yes, the results were positive. We're going to have you have a PET scan right away tomorrow and then assuming we are only dealing with the lymph nodes you will have an appointment with Dr. (My gyn oncologist/a surgeon & my wonderful NP) on Monday to talk about surgery as soon as possible and chemo/radiation.
This is when i swore and started crying. The rest of the conversation was short, but it consisted of connecting me with the scheduler for my PET scan today. Originally it was set up for the first time slot at 7:30 this morning but then I got a phone call back saying they were keeping that slot open for a dept. meeting so I got bumped to the next time slot at 11. It will take about 2 hours and then I'll have results about 2 hours after that. My oncologist said she was happy to give them to me over the phone or in person, whatever I wanted. Geoff chose in person because he wants to talk about the two enlarged lymph nodes in my chest, so in person it is.
It's amazing how different and yet the same it is the second time around. Instead of being told you have cancer and an appointment in a week with total strangers, I was told we are getting you in ASAP and you might have surgery in a week. I know all the players this time. I know what a PET scan is and how it works. So other than telling me I'm NPO for 6 hours before, there are no instructions this time.
Another difference this time is the players, my oncologist assured me if I have any questions or just need to talk that I could call her. Later yesterday afternoon my NP called and talked to me for about 45 minutes making sure I was ok, seeing if I had questions she could answer, discussing how I can call her with any questions, and assuring me that she will be there on Monday even though her baby is expected to arrive any time now (I assured her having a baby is a completely valid reason for missing my appointment).
The biggest difference this time is the anger I felt. The first time I experienced complete and utter despair, this time it was intense anger at cancer. It didn't last long before the other stages of grief set in, but it's still there smoldering.
Today I'm just plain scared. I don't feel well, but I'm not sure if that is the result of me finally being honest with myself or just being psychological mess. There are the obvious signs such as the nausea, the night sweats, the fatigue, and the general discomfort. The nausea I've explained away as residual chemo/radiation nausea. The fatigue and discomfort, same thing. The night sweats (and day sweats) are impossible to distinguish from hot flashes. It sucks because I'm either drenched in sweat and hotter than Hades or I'm freezing and achey and laying on a heat pad under my heated blanket with any available warm bodies cuddled up next to me.
Overall though, it doesn't matter between this time around and last time. There is still the unknown. I ache and wonder do I have bone mets? And I immediately dismiss the thought and tell myself "stay positive!" Or I have a fleeting thought about my kids growing up without their mom, which again, I immediately scold myself for letting the thought enter my mind. I know that staying positive really is key, but it is exhausting. It is a full time job. It is why I took incompletes for my last three tests in school and I'm currently hiding from everyone except from texts and Facebook. I have to have time to find my baseline before I can deal with everyone else's doubts and concerns. I need time to feel what I'm feeling and process it.
We have already been amazed at the outpouring of support and the requests for examples of ways to help. Everyone is one step ahead of us. We are still trying to process this is really happening. I needed a night of sleep and I need to get through today. Then I can try to be level-headed and take stock of what besides meal planning and doggy daycare is going to help the most. In the meantime, if you can't wait, someone is setting up a meal plan site again and I'll post it here when that's taken care of or look up houndhuddle.com for info about our doggy daycare. They know us very well and last time the staff there paid out of their pockets for days not covered by friends/family to help us get through. They know how much our pups mean to us, how happy they make me, but how much exercise our pups need to. It allows all of us to get breaks.
I found that writing blog posts doesn't just help with communication, it helps me process everything. It's almost as if once I write it here I can let it go. Expect there to be many more posts in the next few days. This is the easiest way to keep everyone updated. In the meantime, I'm going to employ every other distraction technique I have, so I don't think about how this time I am most likely going to loose my hair, or how the hell am I going to get through the poisoning that is chemo? I just have to let these thoughts go and take it as it comes. I have to stay positive. I just have to.
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