Sunshine

I didn't write a blog post last night because I didn't know what to say. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say...It was more that I had too much to say.

For the most part staying positive has come easily to me. There are times where it is a struggle and I have to constantly redirect my thoughts, but overall, it just feels right.

The funny part is, I don't think I give enough credit to Geoff for his part in all of this. With him being gone for a mere 48 hours I realized I don't have my constant reassurance. He called me yesterday to tell me he was walking on the beach in San Diego and let me listen to the sound of the ocean over the phone. I was so jealous. If my eyes weren't already green, they would have been. Ooooh, I could hear it alright, and I could smell it, and I could feel the sand between my toes...I could feel the sun and hear the people...and it hurt. Even now it makes me cry.

I'm glad he was there and he was getting to enjoy it, but I fear I lost it a little and wrecked some of the joy he was getting his experience. This makes me feel miserable and selfish...It just was so hard for me though. I love the ocean and the mountains and I feel like every once in awhile I need to visit either or both of these to regroup. I know Geoff feels the same way. We've had this conversation so many times...

Then he sent me a couple of pics. All I could think of was our last big vacation to Australia to visit Geoff's grandparents. I was pregnant with Ella and E was almost exactly Ella's age now. We spent most of that vacation on the beach and it was glorious. I kept wondering will I ever get back there? Will I get to walk on any beach with my family again? Will I be too much of a burden or too sick to travel? Will I ever get to make sand castles with my kids? Will I get to see them try swimming in the ocean or surfing for the first time? Am I being selfish because I want it all and I've already had so much? Will Geoff ever be able to enjoy a beach again if something does happen to me or will it be as painful for him as it is for me right now?

It was like every dark thought that I have been trying to suppress hit me at once. I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to work through it because the one person that knows all my deep, dark fears and always has the words to make it better, was busy. At first I didn't want to bug him, then I decided I should try and talk to him, but it didn't matter his cell phone wasn't charged and we couldn't talk.

Eventually I caved and called Geoff's parents cell phone and got in touch with him that way. We made plans to talk when he got back to his hotel. In the end though, we didn't have long to talk. He needed to get ready for his brother's wedding and I had two monkeys waking up from naps. Regardless it helped. He made it all better and I am more determined than ever to get better myself. I have too many places to see and things to do. I want to help others get to these places (whereever they may be) too. There is simply no other way.

In the end, it sounds like Geoff had a wonderful time at the wedding and we had a great night here at home. One of my old co-workers from UW Hospital came to visit with her daughter. We ate pizza and chatted. E and Ella basked in the glory of all the attention from them and grandma and radiated smiles. How can you go wrong with that? The way I see it, I got my own little priceless piece of sunshine.