TMI

In honor of full disclosure, I am hoping that writing this post will somehow take more weight off my shoulders instead of socially alienating me, but here goes nothing... Prior to cervical cancer I guess I was not aware how intertwined fertility and sexuality were for me. I've mentioned in my blog before that we were planning to have another child. We have plenty of friends who have had two children and are done. They have gone ahead and made the decision that some form of more permanent sterilization is the right answer for them and I say more power to them. At the same time, I wonder how would that have worked for us?

Would the permanence of a vasectomy affected the interplay of fertility and sexuality for me, or would that have been ok because it was a decision we would have been able to make ourselves? Is that all it is, a mind game? Or are things difficult for me because I feel broken? More likely it's difficult for me to get over the fact that I have no idea who has seen parts of me each week that I don't feel like sharing or even "what" has been in those parts?

All of this is completely degrading to me. There are only two good things I can make of all of it. One, hopefully it is making my cancer go away and two, it highlights how amazing my husband really is. He may never be a neat freak, but I am blessed with someone who will support me through anything. I apologize on a daily basis for all the stress and havoc my cancer and the resulting treatments have on our household, lives, intimacy, etc. I won't lie and say there aren't times when all of it is too much for both of us, yet it never fails that when I apologize, Geoff reminds me that this is not something I am allowed to apologize for. That this isn't my fault and that he loves me no matter what. Frequently, he tells me, if anything he loves me more and I know he means it.

Talk about handling all this with grace.

He understands all that I am going through right now as much as anyone can. My losses are his losses. Radiation, particularly internal radiation,  can have long term side effects. Geoff has understood these from day one. He encourages and cheer-leads when appropriate, and keeps me from letting my imagination get the best of me