Tough time

Some aspects of this whole process are easy to articulate and others seem too abstract and difficult. There are so many things that I can't say or don't say and others that I try to say, but I'm not sure if the words I chose really communicate my message.

Today is my last brachytherapy (internal radiation). I am dreading it as I have dreaded all internal radiation, yet at the same time I can't wait because it means I am done. Well, done for now anyway.

On Wednesday the nurse practitioner that is managing the issues with my port called. We talked and the current plan is that I will come into the hospital 3 hours early Friday so they can attempt to re-thread my port. I'm really not excited about any of this. I've contemplated skipping all of it and having them do nothing and then having my port removed. The only treatment I have left is today's and I could just have a normal IV placed instead.

The issue with this is that I still will have an MRI and PET scan in a few months. Depending on what these tests show I might need surgery or more chemo. Either way having a port makes additional treatment much easier. Assuming that the port actually works. It probably sounds ridiculous, but I am hesitant to have the port removed due to fear of what's to come. Somehow it seems that if I have the port removed I am banking on not needing one again in the future and that seems overly confident.

Another issue with having my port removed is how I am doing right now. I feel like crap. I can tell I'm pale and puffy, but I doubt anyone else would look at me and know immediately that I am anemic and miserable. We were told at the beginning of all of this that it's at the end that everything hits you and you feel the crummiest. I was initially worried, but then I kind of forgot.

I wouldn't say I breezed through chemo. I still get sick to my stomach (literally) if I think of the word "cisplatin." External radiation had it's side effects, but it wasn't too terrible. I think all of this made me overly confident. I really thought I was going to make it through all this never feeling horrid for an extended period of time. One of my secret goals was to make it through all my treatment without ever being hospitalized. I revealed this goal to someone earlier in the week and then the next day everything hit me. Now I'm hoping that it was just a little reality check. I really want to scrape by and start my get well upswing.

Thursdays Ella goes to daycare for the day and E has preschool in the morning. I pick E up and we have lunch together and then nap in the afternoon. The housekeepers that my aunts have treated us to usually come while E is in preschool or during our lunch, so it is bit of a magical day because our house is transformed from very lived in to clean and tidy. This week they decided to come while E was in preschool so we could have a clean, quiet house for napping when he got home (though they were really sad when they realized they weren't going to see him at all this week).

I picked E up from preschool and brought him home for lunch and soon realized that I didn't have the energy to do the most basic tasks. I was having trouble even getting up and down the stairs. I called Geoff and we decided that it would be best if he came home to help for the afternoon. By the time he took care of a few things and picked Ella up, it was a couple hours later and E and were asleep. A nap helped, but I really don't have words to describe how I feel right now. We decided it would be best to have a carnivorous dinner and I think that helped perk me up for a bit too. Right now though I'm dreading getting up in the morning and juggling getting  E to preschool, making sure Ella and my parents are situated, and getting to the hospital on time.

I'm having a hard time with staying positive. I have to keep reminding myself that it will all be ok and that I'm almost done. It's hard not to waffle about the "what ifs" and the things I can't control, especially when I can't think as coherently as usual. I know it will all be ok, but I've spent extra time on Pinterest the last few days daydreaming about backyard renovations for next year as something to give myself inspiration and hope. I had my parents help me rearrange furniture yesterday and we put out some fall decorations so the house is more fun and festive.

Ella asleep on my lap tonight.

It's all baby steps right now. That's all I can handle, but soon enough I know this will all be behind us. Not that it will ever really go away for me, but I am excited for a time when this isn't my complete focus. I keep wondering if today is going to be the end of my treatment days and the beginning of my post treatment days. I guess only time will tell, but I can (and will) hope...

Cancer chain quote of the day:

He who fears something gives it power over him. -Moorish Proverb