C is for Courage

Last night I told Geoff that I needed to lay down for a minute before we put the kids to bed and that was it. Geoff and the kids read stories in our room in an attempt to include me. I remember trying to participate, but I couldn't stay awake. I don't even know what books they read.

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night drenched. I'm pretty sure it was a hot flash which seems ridiculous because our house is freezing cold (we haven't turned on the heat yet). I woke up again to go to the bathroom at 5 am or so and I woke up for good at 7 am. I'm pretty disappointed with myself at this point. First I fall asleep before my kids are in bed on a Friday night and then I'm up at 7 am on a Saturday? Not cool.

Oh well. I got sleep and I'm still used to my radiation schedule and having to be to the hospital at 7 am each day. I am so glad I am done and I will get to go not seeing outside before 7 am! I ceremoniously picked the stickers off my butt last night and giggled at the temporary tattoos Geoff helped me put on my derriere Thursday morning as joke to the radiation oncology staff (they got a pretty good kick out of it and I got even more comments yesterday).

It was slightly bittersweet to say good-bye to these people who have played a daily role in my life through one of the most intimate and painful periods I hope to ever have to endure. At the same time, I know where they work and I still have to go to the radiation oncology department for other appointments so I can always say hi. The worst part of yesterday was as I left I saw a women get her bald toddler out of it's stroller and carry it to one of the treatment rooms. I couldn't help myself, I looked at Geoff and Ella and just started sobbing. It was completely gut-wrenching to me. No matter how many blog posts I write or how much I talk to any of you there is no words to articulate all that I have gone through on this journey. The idea that some little munchkin who can't understand everything that is going on has to go through all of this, breaks my heart. I would have cancer any day if it were a guarantee that my kids won't (of course we all know it doesn't work that way and worse yet, it probably means they are more likely to someday).

When Ella and I got home from my last radiation treatment (we had dropped Geoff back off at work and E had an extended preschool day yesterday) I was surprised by a few cards and packages. One of the packages was from my sister-in-law (and brother and family, but I know who it was "really" from). She made me a card:

The rest of the card said:

Courage to get through the pain.
Courage to get through the unknowns.
Courage to get through the loss of what could have been.
Courage to face each day with a smile.
Courage to accept support from friends, family, and even strangers.
Courage to realize you are not cancer.
And the courage to know you are someone who has cancer and you will not only survive but thrive.

The package also came with a gift (the angel)...

The card that came with the angel said "Courage: Bringing a triumphant spirit, inspiration and courage."

It was the perfect gift and it came on the perfect day.

(In case you can't read the cute little quote behind the angel which was also a day-brightening cancer gift it says: "Have only one rule: Be your wild, courageous, brilliant self every Single day. No matter what...May you never fail to express all of the wild and wondrous things you are.")

It seemed that my theme for yesterday was courage and pretty obvious at that point that this was to be my blog post for the day. As I write about this, I think to myself "ya, I've been pretty courageous. Not always by choice, but because there was no alternative and because I have to be for my kids and family." Courageous was never a word that I would have used to describe myself, but as I read the quote from the card I think I can really understand each of those lines. I've read the quote before, but now that I am done with chemo and radiation everything takes on a different meaning to me. This quote is no exception.

At the same time I think about the little munchkin I saw getting radiation yesterday. I don't remember if it was a boy or girl. I remember watching mom get him/her from the his/her stroller and leaving the stroller and sippy cup in the waiting room. I remember that the little sweetie was chemo bald and I think had a mask on and wasn't crying. That kid was courageous. Way more than courageous than me (but don't worry I still know I'm courageous).

So as you say prayers for me or my family, please throw in some for that little 2ish year old and family. Pray for him/her to keep having courage and to be strong. Pray for mom and dad and all the hell they are enduring right now because even though I've been through it, I can't imagine what they are dealing with. It just doesn't seem fair.

And now for the cancer chain quote of the day:

"Never, never, never give up." -Winston Churchill....Seems appropriate don't you think?