+50 years

Sometimes it seems like people think cancer treatments are like a round of antibiotics. You have the treatments and voila! you are better. It doesn't really work that way.

The reason the first follow up appointment is usually in 4 weeks is because the radiation is still working it's magic even after you are done. It is also because that is about the amount of time that they say your body needs for some of the inflammation and side effects to dissipate.

I asked last week about chemo and when I should expect to hit bottom from the after-effects. I was told there really is no great answer, but hopefully I hit bottom last week since a couple of my lab levels went up slightly from Tuesday to Friday.

Overall it really doesn't matter that people don't know these things. I know I didn't have any idea. The problem is that on a selfish note it is hard for me. Everyone thinks "yay! your done!" and while I'm thinking and saying the same thing, I'm also thinking "*groan* I feel like crap...worse than I ever have before."

I'm still constantly sick to my stomach and nothing really sounds good. If it does, I regret it shortly after. I hurt everywhere. I've resorted to sleeping with a heating pad. I live for my next dose of Tylenol. There is so much more...Essentially I have aged 50 years in the course of a couple months.

Over the next few weeks I am hoping to heal and get those 50 years back off. My next appointment is next Monday so for this week I am planning on taking it as easy as I can. I plan to lay low and heal. More importantly I'm planning on living in denial this week. I have no medical appointments before next Monday. I don't have to be at the hospital AT ALL for the first time since July or August.

I don't think I'll be able to forget completely or live like I did before cancer, but I want to treat the week like it is more of a stay-cation. The hardest part of all this is deciding what it is I expect from others. Do I want them to talk about it? Do I want them to know that I feel miserable? Do I want them to know that I can't sleep at night because I'm up sick for a good portion of it? and even if they know these things, what do I expect of them? How do I want them to react to me?

I really have no idea. I don't know how my cancer makes everyone else feel. I'm pretty open about it and I'm not sure if that makes others uncomfortable. I almost laugh at myself sometimes because I think I do the midwest nice thing...I put a smile on my face and tell everyone "I'm fine" even though all I really want is a nap with my heating pad and a nice dose of Tylenol and Zofran (anti-nausea med).

So for this week I'll continue to post my thoughts about cancer, but the rest of my days I'm mostly going to lay low and recoup. I plan on visiting my horse and running a few errands, but mostly I'm going to sleep, do homework, play with my kids and sleep. Hopefully by next week when I have to deal with doctor appointments and lab draws again I will feel less like I'm 85.

Cancer chain quote of the day:

"If it weren't for cancer, I'd say I have the perfect life. If it weren't for cancer, would I even realize this?"

***I don't read these quotes before I type them into this blog, but some days it really seems like the quotes are able to sum up what I'm thinking better than I can.