Rough week

This week has been a rough week and I can't really define why. It was a chemo week which is automatically taxing, but that's not all of it.

Tuesday we were at UW Hospital from around 7 am until 3 or 4 pm. I had to have labs and then a clinic visit before chemo. Then when I have chemo on Tuesdays I have to have my pre-chemo fluids which was a full liter this week, another half liter of anti-nausea meds, a liter of one chemo med, another smaller bag (I didn't pay attention to size b/c by this point I was asleep from benadryl) of my other chemo med, and then some more fluids to flush it all.

On Wednesday and Thursday I only have one med, so everything is relatively quick...usually less than 2 hours (including the wait to start chemo).

I started with an iv in my right hand on Tuesday morning, but that didn't last past the first few minutes. The next iv was in my left hand and that one actually made it the three days. The hardest part was on Wednesday night when Geoff was teaching and I decided to give the kids a bath by myself. I knew going I was going to have to be careful and stick to doing everything with one hand and of course that cursed me so once again Ella pooped in the tub...I did manage to get both kids in and out, rebathed, toys bleached, tub bleached and scrubbed, etc. with one hand, but I was completely exhausted by the time I was done.

Add to that a sick dog that was throwing up and having to scrub carpet and I really wanted to run away from home.

I think most of my rough week stems from being tired, but it is also stress. I need to get school work done and I've never had such a hard time budgeting time to get my work done. My usual study times aren't working for me because I'm too tired. Ok, I'm just tired and I'm not used to this. I've missed work this week because I'm too tired and all of it is frustrating to me.

I know I say I'll prioritize myself first, but that's hard to do. It's never that easy. There are always so many more variables. If I prioritize myself, then what about school, or work, or the kids, or the pets, or Geoff? Geoff looks fried too. Giving the kids consistency means adding daycare days or a babysitter which costs money and when I'm missing days at work, the last thing we can afford is more expenses.

I take care of most of the financial aspects of our lives and right now, I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family and I'm overwhelmed that it never seems to be enough. We have great healthcare, but we have been doing this since last July now and I don't know how to keep stretching things.

I finally caved this week and called our mortgage company to see if we have options. It sounds like they are very willing to work with us and give us a reduction, but there is a few day wait while they process everything and get back to us and so right now we are in limbo.

I feel guilty that Geoff and I used any of the cancer cell money to go away for a weekend because I feel like it was irresponsible. At the same time I keep thinking about telling Geoff over the weekend that I felt so relaxed that there was no way the cancer could have survived the weekend and I really meant it. I felt like that one weekend I was actually taking care of myself and enjoying it.

Today I have been in a state of constant stress and trying to reassure myself and refocus myself. I want to be positive. I want to trust in the unknown, but damn it, it would be a lot easier if I felt like I had a cushion of energy, or money, or everything.

Yesterday and today were the first times that I have really struggled to find food that appeals to me at all. Geoff has catered to my every whim and I have definitely had what I want to eat, but that has been exhausting in itself for both of us.

And the icing on the cake is now I have to give myself my injection. Geoff was smart enough to ask about side effects which was of course a good question to ask, but...and this isn't like me...now I'm stressed about the possibility of "flu like" symptoms. I'm sure I won't even have side effects, but I can't let it go. It's so silly. I have an arsenal of anti-nausea meds. I will be ok, but I don't want to take anything else that make me feel crummier or slow me down more. *sigh* I really am on a whining spree.

Fine, as long as I'm on this tangent I have to say it...I'm sick of my hair. It is thinning and falling out, but growing out at the same time and it looks retched. Obviously I can't do anything with it other than cover it up, but the glamorous scarf look doesn't really work because they don't stay on. The hats are ok, but they get too hot, so once again, I'm just too whiney.

I miss my NP and even my oncologists. I haven't seen anyone from my teams in weeks and I have no idea how we are going to schedule my next chemo round since I will be in Kentucky until Wednesday of chemo round 3. We will get it all worked out, but the list of things that I need to take care of seems to be constantly growing and never decreasing

I have a new patient advocate as of last week and I think she is really sweet. I know she is trying to help, but she keeps referring me to the same services I have already used such as integrative medicine, or the oncology acupuncturist. I would love to use the acupuncturist again, but right now it's not an option if I can't pay my bills. Again, I know I said I would put myself first, but I'm not going to get acupuncture whether it is $20 or $100 unless I know that my household needs are taken care of.

I want to take care of myself. I really do. I want to take care of my family. That's just how I am. I want to be responsible and all of this is so degrading and frustrating at times. I believe in radical acceptance and mindfulness as part of my daily life, but right now I am really struggling.