Ok

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. It feels a little weird to say that, since I was only employed by Madison College for a few weeks before all this happened. In fact, I think I've had nearly as much time off work as I have spent working. Regardless, I'm looking forward to it. I'm also a little stressed by it or rather some of the other decisions associated with it.

I feel bad that I'm not going back to hospital nursing. I know I can't do floor nursing right now. I can't put my needs in the background for extended periods of time so I can focus on someone else's needs. I don't have the energy levels to handle a really busy shift, even if that shift is only 6 hours. Most of all, I definitely don't have it in me right now to deal with other people's life and death circumstances. I know it's not selfish to say that, really I do, but it makes me feel bad that I have to say that.

On the other hand, for those of you who are not Facebook friends of mine or don't use Facebook, I have decided not to take a leave of absence from school. This is a little nuts because I need to finish my incompletes asap (I'm trying...) and next week starts my new term. More importantly, on the 18th I need to be in Kentucky for a week for what is known as Clinical Bound. This is essentially a one week intensive clinical training. It's where we officially test out on our ability to do a full head to toe physical exam of an adult and newborn. It's also where we learn things like pelvic exams, suturing, inserting IUD's, etc. Basically, it is vagina camp and it is the gateway to my clinical learning. I feel like I have so much to do before I go. I'm nervous and excited and I'm looking forward to seeing old friends and making new ones.

I finally decided Sunday night to go ahead with school. All along I thought I was going to take a leave of absence for a bit, but at the same time, I couldn't commit to it. It never felt right. On Sunday my clinical adviser flew into Madison to meet with the UW Midwives about my clinical rotation. She knew that I was planning to take a leave of absence, but already had this meeting scheduled. She and I talked a little via email and then we decided to meet up while she was in town. Being able to talk with someone in person made a huge difference for me. I was able to get some clarity to some of questions and to feel like I have some room to slow down. This made all the difference to me. I came home and talked with Geoff and I sent out a bunch of emails to make it "official."

Geoff's biggest concern was/is making sure I take care of myself. I agree. Right now my biggest concern is making sure I follow through on that promise while I try to juggle a relatively full schedule for a few weeks.

This weekend Geoff and I are going away for two nights without our kids for the first time ever. We are going to have a couples massage and some other spa time. We are both pretty excited. It's weird to think that less then 48 hours later, Tuesday morning, I have chemo again.

In all honestly, I'm both excited and dreading chemo too. I want to win so I'm looking forward to that next treatment, but I'm scared. I called last week to find out my lab values and was surprised to find that I was once again neutropenic. Yesterday, I actually saw all my I numbers and they sucked. I am just as anemic, if not worse, than when I had my last transfusion, but I'm not at all symptomatic right now. I am definitely neutropenic, as in numbers almost as low as when I finished chemo last time, but I don't feel that either. My platelet count is also as low as when I finished chemo last time. I keep wondering if it was really my blood that these lab values came from. It just doesn't seem right, but I know it is. I'm wondering what will happen the next time. Are we going to be playing the limbo "how low can we go?" already? I sure hope not!

Regardless, I think the power of positive thinking is what makes all the difference. I know my body heals rapidly and I feel an aura of love that follows me everywhere I go right now. I just need to let go of the stress and take each day one at a time and it will all be ok.