Backyard

Obviously I haven't been writing as much lately. Usually I like to write a post most days, but right now I am overwhelmed with trying to catch up on my old school work and do the required prep work for my trip to Kentucky.

Add to that everything else, and I'm not doing a good job of slowing down or honestly, even taking care of myself. It's only a few more days and then being good to myself goes back to the top of my priority list, but right now I just don't have enough time for anything.

This past Thursday was my birthday. It was a wonderful birthday. We talked in advance about going out to eat or doing something special, but in the end I worked late so we settled for Chinese take out. E is at the age where all birthdays equal parties, so he was and still is ecstatic about my birthday. Geoff bought me flowers the night before and then on my birthday, balloons to go along with my cake and presents and I think E wouldn't have had it any other way. Actually, I'm pretty sure it set a precedent in E's world for the minimum expectation for his fourth birthday next month.

For me, this was enough. This was what I had really wanted for my birthday.

Originally I was supposed to be in Kentucky over my birthday and usually that wouldn't have mattered to me, but this year it really bothered me. Initially, I couldn't figure out why, but then it hit me.

This could be it. It's just another birthday to most people, but for me, it really could be my last.

It feels like everything is like that these days. It really is how I view everything and in some ways that's good and at other time I have to mentally turn it off. The hardest part is the reaction of those around me. Geoff has a tendency to adopt the attitude of this isn't over and usually that's great, but sometimes it frustrates me because it seems like I'm not being positive enough. Yet, I don't really see it as me not being positive, more like I'm living every moment like it could be my last. Unfortunately, that in itself causes problems because at times living every moment like it is your last sets an awful high bar.

How would you celebrate your birthday if it was your last? I know some people wouldn't care and others would have a wild and crazy party, but for me, being with my family was all that was really important. I was blessed with many facebook messages and texts and phone calls and I really felt like a princess for a day. I noticed the messages changed this year and it wasn't just me that was thinking that it could be my last...I got a lot of  comments about having "many more" or an "amazing year."

It felt good. At E's preschool the little kids wear a birthday hat and get to sit on a special birthday chair for the day. They are adorable and you can tell how special they feel. I felt exactly like that on my birthday and like all my friends were in on it.

I was able to live the day and think thoughts about how this could be my last birthday and not feel like I was being bad or morbid. Instead I was able to really evaluate what do I want to do and what  my priorities are, and not feel guilty about the choices I make for myself. Even better, I didn't feel like I was surrounded by people who are treating me like I am terminally ill.

I don't plan on dying. I plan on living. In fact, I was talking with Geoff about what my living wishes are and of course I have elaborate wishes of places I want to go and things I want to do, but for right now, my wish is to create a stimulating and fun backyard for my kids. I have spent an extensive amount of time pinning ideas to Pinterest and talking about it with Geoff, so this summer when I have time inbetween clinicals that is what I want to focus on. It may not be what some else would choose, in fact, I'm sure it isn't, but for me it is the right choice.

I want a play space that we can use on a daily basis that will always be fun. I want somewhere that on my sick days my kids can play and be safe and I can relax and be comfortable. I want a place that extends beyond this summer and provides them happiness and stimulation for years to come.

I'll post pictures as we do things, but for right now I have to get through this next week. I still have one more test to take tomorrow and then massive studying of my head to toe physical assessment skills and packing.

Monday morning I have to go in for another lab check first thing in the morning and then I have to be to work by 8:30 because I get to help with an maternal-child simulation. I absolutely love my work and my co-worker. Originally, I was just going to observe and now I get to apply and share some of my midwifery knowledge. Once that's done I will be back to cramming and packing and then my flight leaves for Kentucky at 5 something Tuesday morning.