New Years

I have been waiting for 2013 ever since I decided to go back to midwifery school. I have known all along that I will graduate in 2013, so I am pretty happy that it is now "2013." I can finally say I graduate later this year instead of next year or in a couple years...it's down to months, literally (though it will late 2013 in case you are wondering).

I'm even more happy that it's 2013 because I am done with the year I found I had cancer. That was 2012. I won't lie, I was hoping to ring in the New Year feeling like a new person, but I didn't. I was in bed at midnight. I was awake, but in bed waiting for my pain meds to kick in and my heating pads to help.

Yesterday it worked out to be the day that E would finally get his first chance to ride a pony by himself (sort of)...As usual with kids, E was excited up until the actual moment we arrived at the stable. Then he decided he no longer wanted to ride. In the end it took, it took me walking next to E and the pony so he could hold my hand (or depending on his mood...I would hold onto him). It took our wonderful friend, Mary, to lead the pony, along with another new friend leading on the other side of the pony, and Geoff walking with another pony next to us (this one was for the comfort level of the ponies) and taking pictures/video. Oh and other friends, hanging out with Ella...ya, no big deal. (Don't judge my extremely unfashionable stay-puff marshmallow appearance...I was going for warm)

The pony-capades didn't last very long, but of course it was enough to wipe me out. We all went home to take naps. I stayed plenty warm while we were in the barn, but as usual I couldn't get home and into bed fast enough. We all took naps that seemed to me to be too brief and then we got ready to go to one of Madison's family friendly New Year's bashes. We bought tickets ahead of time to go to party at Monona Terrace which included magician, jugglers, a bubble wonder show, bouncy houses, circus tricks, and a train. We chose it for the train and bounce houses. I really was exhausted, but there was no way we were going to let the kids down. Initially the plan was to all get dressed up in fun New Year's Eve dressy/flashy clothes and we would change the kids into pjs before we left the party to come home (it had a 9:30 countdown so it was going to be late...). In the end though we decided for ease of the kids and for my warmth/comfort to do pjs for the kids and comfy clothes for us (although Ella had a tutu over her pjs).


We had everything ready to basically put them in the car and hope they fell asleep on the way home. Ella did, E didn't. Once we got home our focus was taking dogs outside, bringing them in, getting E to bed, feeding cats, and going to bed ourselves. We are pretty exciting!

The original plan for us was to stay up just the two of us and play games and watch a movie, but we knew that based off how I was feeling, today was not going to be good so we tried to head it off as best as possible. I'm not sure it helped. Today was rough. Really rough. At one point this afternoon Geoff came upstairs to our room to find me crying in the bed. A month ago, I expected that by this time I would be feeling great, but I don't. I do fine most of the time and I know I "look great," but I don't feel it. All of this is still an adjustment for me. It's a new year. I want to move beyond it, but my body isn't there yet. I have great expectations and aspirations, but I still find that I have to constantly adjust and lower them. I start school again next Monday and I'm scared. I did fine in school through all my treatments and I didn't even want to take a break. Now I'm wondering how I'm ever going to manage...

The last few days we've spent much of our free time talking about me graduating from school and practicing as a midwife and how our lives will change both good and bad. It's been exciting to talk about. We've talked endlessly about my dream of opening my own birth center and it all seems so tangible and then I have a rough day and I'm reminded how quickly everything can change. Today that reality hit hard. There have been other bad days for me physically and others I love dearly this past week and I think everything finally hit me at once. Combine that with wonderful news that some friends of ours welcomed their third child into the world this morning...wonderful, but painful for me. I'm soo soo happy for their family and I hope we get to meet her soon, but it's that whole we wanted a third child and now we can't have one thing...Most of the time it's fine, we make up for it by thinking about how much easier it will be travel to Australia or New Zealand or wherever with only two, but today it was just timing...

Of course it may have been hormones too because as all of this was happening it was pretty apparent that I was boiling over with a miserable hot flash. Ah, such a glamorous life I lead...

While I sniveled and apologized to Geoff for all I am putting him through and tried to stop my snowball of self-pity, he provided the words I really needed to get this year started on the right track. "Even on your worst days you and the kids are the highlight of my day. Cancer hasn't changed that." It's funny how two sentences can change everything. It WILL be a good year!