Last procedure

I haven't been able to keep up with daily blog posts like I did before because I haven't figured out how to work them into my non-cancer life.

Lately I have struggled because I feel like I don't have a non-cancer life back, but I'm also done with cancer. Sort of. I am definitely still recovering, but that in itself is really hard for me. I've said it so many times before, but I can't emphasize enough how many times a day I think I should be better by now. I have to be honest with myself though, I'm not. I still feel like crap.

Having the infection last week and spending a week on antibiotics was pure hell. I've never had problems with antibiotics before, but this time holy "s%$#!" is all I can say. There were days were I was crying I was in such misery. I lost 6 pounds and I gave up on eating most foods. Even though it wasn't the best choice the only things I could stomach most days were cereal and/or Strawberry Egos, but a lot of times I would skip even those because I didn't want to deal with the repercussions.

I forced myself to eat yogurt in addition to taking multiple pro-biotic tabs a day. I also took the maximum antidiarrheal tabs I could in a day.

Yesterday I finally finished the antibiotics. In my world this was an event worthy of a party. No joking! Instead though, I took a big step and agreed to try going with Geoff to the gym for the first time since all this started. We kept it really basic and I really only did the elliptical for a half hour, but by the time I got home my ankles were swollen and I hurt in ways that I can't describe. This makes no sense to me, but I'm used to it. I took a nap, a warm bath and took the rest of the evening easy.

2012 National Cyclocross Championship

Today Geoff is at the cyclocross national championship. Last year we went as a family and had a blast, but this year I knew I couldn't handle the cold in addition to carrying a child and maneuvering difficult walking terrain to spectate.

It kinda sucks. I wish I were outside and I think back to how much fun we had last year...laughing at E ringing a cow bell and cheering on the racers.

more from 2012

In an effort to make everything work best for us Geoff only went to watch the pros race today. He helped me get the kids down for naps before he left. He really wanted to take E with him, but it was nap-time and it would be easiest for everyone if he went by himself.

Geoff and E in their matching fish hats last year

Ella and I in our matching hats last year

Geoff has been had cyclocross racing on his "things to do" list for years and last year we spent the entire weekend at nationals. It was great motivation for both of us and it makes me sad that not only did another year go by that Geoff didn't get to cyclocross race, but we both got more out of shape and more overweight. Worse yet, things are so bad I can't even go as a spectator.

Neither of us would have ever predicted the turn of events to this past year, but tomorrow I have my closure. I get my port out. I can't emphasize how excited I am. I have talked extensively on this blog about all the drama I've had with my port and if nothing else that will be over. I won't have to worry about having it flushed at least once a month anymore. It will no longer look like I have a weird Lego inserted under my skin and hopefully the discomfort it regularly gives me will finally go away.

I had it put in August 20, 2012, the day before I started chemo. It was also the last day I was able to breastfeed Ella (update on that since many of you have asked...I have tried, and she is interested but she thinks it is more of a joke and tries and then shakes her head and tells me "no" because of all the time we spent telling her "no"...it still hurts so I think for now that's all I say on that). I'm sure that I will once again have lifting restrictions that will prevent me from holding my little girl and it hurts to think about, but I just keep telling myself that it is the last time. "This is it" and that makes me smile. I'm so excited to be done.

I have to be at the hospital at 7:30 and my procedure is at 9. It only lasts 45 minutes-1 hour and then a few hours of recovery. Geoff is going to drop me off before work and pick me up on his lunch break. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that it really is THAT simple!