It's hard bc each of us have our own difficulties and pain that lies beneath the surface. We have been busy and everything is so positive that I actually feel guilty for feeling sad at times. At the same time, it's hard for me to not wish my family was here with me. I wish I could share the ocean and so many of these experiences with them.
Geoff has always wanted to try surfing and I have no doubt that he would love it. Actually my Dad too...and E...The other day when I was leaving E told me to "enjoy your beach mommy." then he told me he was going to fly to CA and go surfing too. This afternoon I saw a little boy from the back that looked like E in a year or two. He was wearing a wet suit and getting ready to go catch some waves and all I could think was how much I want to be there when the kiddos try surfing for the first time or even when Ella gets to experience waves and the ocean for the first time. This snowballed into more thoughts about how wonderful it would be to bring her here or better yet take her to see all Geoff's family in Australia, but then I feel guilty because I've been so lucky to get to go on so many amazing trips.
Last night we had a bonfire on the beach and I watched little surfer kids and their dogs playing in the waves and on the beach and thats when I first really lost it. It made me really aware of how fragile a line I'm walking and how badly I want to get better for myself and my family.
There are so many experiences from this trip alone that I want to share with my family. There is the beach, surfing lessons, Santa Barbara, outrigger canoes, the wildlife, and so many more.
There is a part of me that feels incredibly guilty for having this week where I'm living it up and the only responsibility I've had this week is myself...meanwhile Geoff is at home with the kids, and the zoo, and the bills, etc. His car has been making a noise and he planned to have it fixed while I was gone and he could use my car. Unfortunately this has been one of those situations where each repair has led to another more expensive problem. Fortunately for us, his parents have taken care of the car repairs as a birthday and Christmas present, but that hasn't eliminated the excess stress it has put on Geoff.
I have had a much needed week off and I don't regret it, but I'm not oblivious to the fact that life has continued without me. In fact, that's another reason I've cried. At times I've wondered if this week was a practice run for the future. Of course I hope not, but the thought hasn't escaped me of even Geoff. I know he and the kids would manage without me, but I want to only be for a few days, not permanent.
I've had a great week but I know that next Monday I'm having a port placed and next Friday I'm starting chemo. I'm the only one here that is in the middle of treatments and its hard to not be jealous at times. It's hard to forget about the end of life issues that I'm facing. At the same time I've talked about it, but no one here needs to bear the burden of my problems. Each and every one of the, has their own. Each and every one of them has their own healing to do.
It's a hard place to be in. I have thoughts and fear to work through and I don't want to burden anyone here, but I also don't want to take that baggage home with me. Geoff has had enough to deal with and I want to go home happy and refreshed. My family deserves that.
This is why I've taken time to think about some of this while I've been here. I've thought about it, acknowledged it, and now I'm ready to let it go. I have so much more to be thankful for and happy about, including finding (after my shower tonight) a jade rip tide necklace Geoff had bought me as good luck for my birthday...it was in my shower kit and its been missing since I went to Nashville in May...I see this as a good omen of things to come.
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