Cancerless Garden

I think I've finally made a decision about chemo. I haven't actually called and let my oncology team know yet (ill do that in the morning), but everything is already scheduled and set up for Friday morning.

It was set up for last Friday too and I was sure I would have a decision by then but at that point I had no clarity. Geoff and I talked about the choices until we couldn't take anymore and then we talked some more. We researched the different medications via pubmed and Geoff even went as far as digging deeper on clear cell adenocarcinoma of the cervix research and then calling to set up second opinions with some of the latest and greatest Gyn Oncologists in the country.

So far he has talked with one at Mayo who felt I was getting great care (of course I am) and he has a few others lined up for later this week. We aren't really expecting to find anything different but it doesn't hurt to try.

I've been pretty stressed by this decision and the choices or lack there of (depending on how to look at it). I'm sorry to everyone who has called and messaged me that I haven't called back yet. I needed a break. I'm a home body at heart and everything has been overwhelming. I needed to regroup. I've been really tired and dealing with side effects from the last round of chemo while trying to psyche myself up to start another round.

I've been pursuing alternative therapies and really enjoying all that I'm learning. I have a little collection of yoga, and Pilates, DVDs and I'm thrilled. If only I had more time and energy. Someone from Gilda's Club lent me some CDs from a retreat they are going to soon. The CDs are called "Cancer as a Turning Point: From Surviving to Thriving."

I have found them to be very interesting and therapeutic. They really build on something I struggle to find words to talk about in this blog...how much cancer has taught me. I've learned so much about myself, about those around me, about healing, and so much more. I feel like I am constantly learning and evolving and I don't even know how to find the words to describe the platform that all of this has been built on.

This brings me to one of my hardest struggles right now...A week ago I was sad, very sad, but now I'm back to where I was before the scan derailed me. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am using this journey to grow and become a better person. I'm no longer angry at cancer, in a way, I'm thankful. This is hard for others to understand and therefore it makes it hard for me to be around people who are still stuck on mourning all the losses from this past year.

Don't get me wrong, I still mourn them. I'm still sad sometimes too, but not overall. I get really down when I think about my poor prognosis, but there is so much research out there about the power of the mind to heal one's self. So much of it is poorly understood. I find it fascinating in a way I never would have understood before.

This is where I sound like I have really gone off the deep end...by suggestion of someone I really trust it was recommended that I look into an alternative intuitive healer. This healer has been very helpful to this person and came highly recommended to them. I talked with this healer today via the phone and it was one of the most amazing half hours of my life. I barely told her anything about me and the things that she was able to read from me and suggest to me were so in tune with who I am. It really restored my hope and faith.

From this experience I have decided to take the leap into something I have been struggling with for weeks...how to define what I'm going through. Recently I've had multiple discussions with people about the terms "battling cancer" or "fighting cancer." I've heard other people say these words don't resonate we'll with them and frankly, the more I thought about it, the less I felt they suited me either. I really despise the idea of being described as "loosing the battle with cancer." I'm not battling cancer. I'm not fighting it either. For me, these terms remove all acknowledgment of the inner peace I have found within this journey.

Of course I wish I didn't have cancer, but I do. Of course there have been times when I've wished I could blow it up, but it doesn't do me any good. In fact, after I had the bad scans I looked at Geoff and said you know what, "I'm going to try something different." I looked down at my abdomen/pelvis and said "I have learned a lot from you and for that I will forever be grateful, but please leave now cancer." It's so obvious that it seems silly and ridiculous and I'm embarrassed to share this story, but it felt good.

So that's where I am right now. I'm choosing to heal myself in a peaceful manner. I will use conventional western methods like chemo, and I will use alternative, or eastern methods, and take what I can get out of this journey instead of fighting the ride and I will grow from all of it. I've heard cancer described as weeds in a garden and I like that analogy. It allows me to feel like I am cultivating the beautiful and helpful flowers to grow while weeding out the cancer.