Pins and Needles

In about 12 hours I have a PET scan to see how well my chemo regimen is working. We've tried really hard to not let it affect us, but I can't lie, I am on pins and needles and dreading tomorrow. I've never liked scans, but I really never expected such bad news after my last scan and now that I've had a taste of what that is like...

I have had so many people tell me not to worry, including myself...but while that is great advice, it is impossible to some degree. Instead we have stayed busy. I haven't written much lately because I have stayed so busy.

Last week I started my clinical rotation. I had three office days with the midwives and I loved it. The very first thing I got to do was find a baby's heartbeat for a pregnant women who hadn't heard her baby's heartbeat before. I just kept thinking how lucky I was to be there for such a sweet moment. I enjoyed my clinical days immensely. I felt good and didn't feel like I had any problems keeping up...there were maybe one or two appointments a day that I would drag through, but overall, I was pleased. I would come home each day excited to enter my patients I had seen for the day into our school's tracking system and then I would crash. Each day. I had no idea how exhausted I really was...The first day I actually fell asleep on the floor in E's room, before bedtime. Thank goodness my husband is supportive!

We also celebrated E's 4th birthday last Wednesday and again this past Sunday with a party. It was everything I wanted it to be for him and he was very pleased. We had a lovely mix of friends and family and it was perfect.

Today I spent a few hours at the barn with Aggie (our horse). I even got to ride a little and I really enjoyed myself. After I came home, I showered and took a much needed nap.

Really, I have tried to keep busy. Almost too busy. Sometimes I do worry I'm overdoing it. Worse yet, I have things I need to do and haven't done, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself distracted from thinking about this scan tomorrow. My mind has taken the liberty of considering all possible scenarios from the cancer is completely gone to chemo is pointless and I am now palliative. Overall, I just have to keep telling it to be quiet, that I feel great, and then redirect.

If how I feel is any indicator, then the scan will go well. I feel much better than when I had my last scan. The one hitch is that I had all these things I was going to change and I've regressed some on the diet, esp. with birthday parties, etc. and I haven't been saving enough energy at the end of the day to meditate...At the same time, I am living my life and I am not forgetting to be appreciative of each and every moment/day/adventure. What else can I do?

So I have my scan tomorrow morning. I wasn't scheduled to find out the results until June 4th because I am going to be out of town from the 29th through the 3rd, but I made it clear that I wasn't ok waiting that long for results, so I have an appointment with the PA tomorrow afternoon. Of course all our family and friends want to know the results so good or bad I will have a post tomorrow.

The way I have understood it, this is still early for the chemo to have done a lot so what we are looking for is the tumors to be the same or regressed some. As long as things haven't grown/spread, we are ok. In all honesty, I want things to have regressed or to be gone, but I have no idea how wishful that is. Regardless that is what I am going to visualize, pray for, and hope for. May as well set my sights on what I really want.

Then, assuming this scan doesn't turn our lives upside down, I am going to Nashville on Wednesday for the American College of Nurse Midwives conference. A friend from school is meeting me in Illinois and we are driving together. Another friend from school found a gorgeous home that a bunch of us are all renting together. It ended up being very cheap and a fun way for all of us to spend time together and go the convention. I'm really excited and seeing this as my reward at the end of the tunnel. We are staying through the following Monday and then driving home so I can get back in time for Tuesday chemo.

In the meantime I (we) are accepting of any and all prayers, thoughts, well wishes, good vibes, etc.