Four years ago

4 years ago to this minute I was not sleeping either. I had been a mother for 3 hours and 15 minutes and was too enamored to sleep. Geoff and I stayed up staring at E for nearly 36 hours. We finally fell asleep right before the midwife came to discharge us...then she couldn't wake either of us.

Funny how things work out. 4 years later and I'm even more in love with that little guy. I wasn't sure that was possible, but it is. I stayed up late making cake pops for his preschool class and doing invites to his last minute birthday party and making a crepe paper blockade for his door...essentials.

Alright, they aren't essentials, but he only gets one 4th birthday and even though I (we) snuck in to his room to hug him and wish him Happy Birthday at exactly 12:30 and promise him that I would be here for every birthday to come, I have to make sure that this birthday is everything "I" would want it to be. It's hard to let go of the fear that I won't be here for his 5th or his 6th...It's not something any mom is supposed to have to face. Yet, I do.

I have my next PET scan on Tuesday the 28th. Currently my appointment to find out results isn't until the 4th, but I have already started calling and leaving messages making it known that I want my results that day. In reality, I wish I had my results now, so I could worry less.

I don't let the worry consume me. There is no point. I try to minimize it as much as possible, but it is impossible to make it go away. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have so much to live for...including one 4 year old little (big in his world) boy.

These birthdays are hard for me because they represent so much of what I'm here for and so much of what I'm afraid to loose. E's birthday is particularly significant to me because his is my first. His birth is when I really became a mom. The moment I first saw him, it was like a switch was turned within me and I knew things would never be the same again (and they haven't been).

I never expected his fourth birthday to be an overly big deal for me, but it is. Everything is. Geoff and I were talking and even though we know it doesn't really work that E will remember today and not yesterday, four seems to be when we both have more concrete memories...In other words, E is now old enough to remember me.

It's hard to think about all of this, but it's what I think about. It hurts and I really hope I'm thinking about all of it for nothing. Really. I mean I promised him that I would be here for the rest of his birthdays so I have to be...I just wish it was that easy.

In the meantime, I am here. I am doing great and I plan to celebrate every minute I can today. I plan to spoil my little guy with love and read as many books as he wants and whatever else I can do to make him happy. Those are the things I can control and so I will.