Today was supposed to be the beginning of my last round of chemo. It was supposed to be a day of celebration. Instead I'm starting my 6th round and I have one more to go. I keep trying to force a good attitude about it all, but its not sticking. I even started crying in my pre-chemo oncology appointment.
I've been trying to not stress about 5 year survival rates and the really low numbers that go along with my diagnosis, but it hasn't been working for me lately. I know there are so many other factors that go into those numbers. Factors that I have in my favor...I'm not elderly, I don't have other illnesses, I'm strong...but the reality is, I still have the big C....and I still have a particularly bad form of big C. One that doesn't have treatment protocols. One that is known to be aggressive. One that is likely to be lethal.
I listen to everyone talk about what they are doing 6 months from now, or next year, or even in a few years. I think I'll still be here, but I worry that I won't. Really, I'm angry because I wanted to take it for granted that I will be like everyone else does.
As I said, I started crying in my oncology appointment today. I discussed a lot of this with the oncologist and she gave me great reassurance (she's pretty much wonderful). Of course my favorite part of all of this was having her tell me that she has never had anyone respond to treatment as well as I have...well that, and she has not never had anyone that has been "catching babies" while on chemo.
There are things that are good about living with a cancer diagnosis. I know who my friends are. I feel loved. I can say I need a nap now and I "usually" get less flak. I get to do fun little things while I'm waiting for chemo (today it is making beaded rings-mine is on the pinky).
Addendum 1: this is NOT my hand. Someone originally thought it was and they were creeped out (Completely understandable).
Sometimes we still get meals from friends, or gift cards for take out which makes our lives easier (esp. Geoff's since he does most of the cooking). Our friends and family have done a lot of other things to make our lives easier too (really too many to list).
Another thing that make cancer more palatable is Gilda's Club. Basically, a clubhouse for cancer patients, survivors, and family/friends. I mentioned it in my blog a long time ago, but I wasn't ready to join at that point. A few weeks ago we decided we were ready and Geoff and I went the required new member meeting. Now our whole family (well the 2-legged family) goes on Tuesday nights for family night. We all get dinner cooked for us and then the kiddos go to a play group while Geoff and I go to support groups. Geoff goes to one for family/friends, basically caregivers, and I go to the "wellness" group. Last week was our first week and I was really excited and hopeful that I would meet someone else that I could chat with and relate to. Someone else that is young and/or has small children, but it turns out many of the other small children in the playgroup with our kids are there because their grandparents or someone else has cancer. Many of the other people in the wellness group are much older than me, even retired. They were really excited that I am nurse, and they are really nice, but I'll be honest, they weren't exactly what I was hoping for. Regardless, I've already learned a lot from them, and it is being nice being around others that can relate to the way I feel.
There is also a young adults group, but it only meets once a month. Of course they meet on Thursday nights when Geoff is teaching and I'm home alone with the kids and there is no playgroup on Thursday nights. Eventually I'll figure out something so I can go, but last week it just didn't work.
I also signed up for a group that does mini adventure vacations for young adults fighting/surviving cancer. I don't know all the details or if it will even work out, but I'm excited about the possibility of a one week white water kayaking, surfing, or rock climbing trip. I'm sure that would give me lots to blog about.
And that's all it takes...I spend a little time writing about the positive aspects of cancer and suddenly my attitude isn't so grim. I feel better and I'm back to being ready for another round of chemo. I'm ready to face the fact that right now is about as good as I'm going to feel for the next three weeks. And to know that I have another round after this (the bonus round).
Most importantly I'm ready for Friday. Friday I'm participating in first Relay for Life. Originally it was supposed to be my celebration of finishing chemo (the 2nd, and hopefully last) time. Now it's celebrating that I'm almost there and reveling in all the support I have to make these last few weeks. Btw, thank you to all of you who have sponsored me (for Relay for Life AND, of course, in life). If any of you wish to buy a luminary or pledge money click on the link below.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=51717&pg=personal&px=34165209
Addendum 2: Cancer diagnosis leads to really great hugs! I mean way better than average hugs. To me, this is a definite plus.
Addendum 3: Gilda's club is amazing and has taken care of the childcare situation for me so I can attend the young survivors meetings without worrying about the kiddos.
Thinking about you!
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