When I sat down to actually write the post I started to second guess myself and sure enough I was wrong. I was originally diagnosed on July 23, 2012. I know this because I know it was a Monday. I had gone into the clinic on Friday and didn't expect to get results so quickly. When my phone rang and it was my NP's office I knew immediately it wasn't good.
I was just getting ready to assist in a c-section of twins. I was still in training at work, but i was scheduled to be one of the baby's nurses. I took the phone call in the locker room at work. Of course I can remember exactly where I was standing and that horrible feeling like I had just had the wind knocked out of me. Initially, I thought I could pull it together enough to still work. Then, I started thinking about whether I could put my issues aside and be happy for the mom that was about to have surgery.
Again, I thought I could do it. Then I started to think about my own children and the implications of me having cancer. That's when I completely lost it.
Ironically at that time, I had no concept of what was to come in the next couple weeks, much less this next year. I was overwhelmed with the news and overwhelmed that I had to wait over a week to see an oncologist and get any more information.
The one year anniversary of that appointment is next Wednesday, Ella's birthday.
It's amazing to think about all we have been through in this last year. I have no words to verbalize how grateful I am to still be here and on a completely different note, I really have no words to verbalize how excited I am for Ella's second birthday.
As I've mentioned before, the day she was born didn't go the way we had planned and I needed an emergent transfer to a hospital. Then last year, I had my first oncology appointment on her birthday and it was an emotionally distressing day. When I think of my little girl's first birthday I remember sobbing and being emotionally spent. I also remember her falling in love with a pair of shoes and that making me laugh through all the tears. It is not the memory I had planned to have of her first birthday. There was no monumental cake smash with 8000 pictures, or another 9000 pictures of her trying to figure out to do with a candle.
Honestly, it's left me with a lot of guilt. This whole year I have stressed about making it to Ella's second birthday because she deserves this to be a happy birthday! I don't care what it takes but next Wednesday is going to be a great day (and just typing that sentence I'm now stressed that I jinxed it).
The following Saturday we are having a bday party for her. We decided this a long time ago, but out of fear of continued bad luck I have to admit I haven't made invitations of any sort, or really invited anyone other than family because I am scared (please let me know if you would be interested in coming...we would love to have you).
I feel bad that all my diagnosis memories are tied to Ella's birthday. I will forever know how long it has been since I was diagnosed by thinking about Ella turning one, and now, how long since I finished treatment by thinking of Ella being two (almost there...a couple more weeks). It's a lot to have tied to a sweet little girl's birthday.
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