Worst mom ever

It's been awhile, again, since I've written.

I think about it everyday, but often I don't have the time to write what I want to say.

Not to mention that even though I try to be as open as possible so I can share the "whole cancer experience" there are many things that happen in our lives that it isn't my place to share. Lately, there has been a lot of ups and downs, but none of them are mine to share so it's been harder to know what to write about.

I've been busy trying to juggle our already too busy lives with all the holidays have to offer. Last year I had time off after my surgery to relax and really enjoy the holidays and this year it seems to be the polar opposite...Everything is going way too fast.

I really wish I could just hit pause for a night or two.

In addition to everything else I'm under pressure with school work. I've finished all my big classes, but I still have clinical papers to write. Speaking of which, I have a big one due by the end of this week, or else! I have a bunch of little papers for school to do too and I haven't even given all my preceptors my schedule for December and it's December 10th.

The biggest problem with doing my schedule right now is that I feel crummy. I feel like I'm walking a fine line and I'm trying so hard to protect my immune system. I'm tired and I have a sore throat and cough that just don't seem to be going away. Yesterday I slept the entire day. Yes, the ENTIRE day and I still feel crummy. One of my biggest fears is getting pneumonia.

I've been a major sissy and tried to stay inside as much as possible, but seriously it's negative temperatures with the wind chill right now so I think it's pretty much justified.

On Sunday, Geoff and I had the opportunity to go to a Packer game for free with my Dad (my mom was staying home to babysit). We were both really excited to go, except for the cold. I haven't gone in a long time and Geoff hasn't ever gone so I was really excited to go with him...at the same time I kept thinking about how miserable it was going to make me feel for days afterward. In the end, I bailed at the last minute. I realized it was much more important to protect myself so I could go to many more games in the future, than to risk everything to go to one game.

I stayed at my parent's house with my mom and the kiddos and actually, we went out Christmas shopping (which is really pointless when you have two little kiddos with you). All in all though it was a good day for everyone. Sunday night we were reluctantly packing up to leave my parent's house when I accidentally closed Ella's fingers in the screen door.

At first I didn't realize it, then I saw where she was standing and realized what I must have done. Then I saw the look on her face...that moment before the blood-curling scream comes. I was already opening the door and trying to rescue her, but then the scream came and I completely lost it. I don't care that I'm a nurse. None of what I've seen professionally (btw, I used to be a trauma nurse) prepared me for my own baby being hurt and bleeding...I know, I know...We've all had our fingers smashed in the door at some point or another, but it doesn't matter when you have vowed to do everything you can to protect your babies and you are the one that hurts them.

So, I completely lost it.

In the end Ella lost a good chunk of skin to her right middle finger. She also has a nice sized hematoma (bruise) under the fingernail (she will most likely loose her fingernail). It bled like crazy and she screamed for a good half hour straight. There was discussion, no make that, frantic yelling about whether she needed an ED visit, but in the end we decided to wait until we were home.

The next day I took her to the pediatrician's office. She was able to bend it and straighten it so it seemed like it was going to be nothing, but as luck would have it, the xrays found that she has a "tuft fracture." Now she is wearing a splint and will need to follow up with pediatric ortho and it's my fault.

I feel terrible. Worse yet though was what was yet to come...Daily dressing changes with a fearful, irrational two year old. 

As I tried to reason with her and was barraged by million "whys" from her and E. I finally jokingly said something to the effect of "come on Ella. We need to change your dressing so your finger will get better and not fall off."

I should have known better.

This is what followed...

E: "ya, Ella. (pause). If your finger falls off we will have to get a new baby and since Mommy is out of babies, then we will have to find some other parents that have a Mommy with a baby in her tummy and pay to get that baby instead."

um, what? Pretty sure I stopped breathing at that point and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. What have I done? or not done? There are so many things wrong with that statement...like disposing of Ella or buying a new baby or...wow!

On the bright side, I realized that closing Ella's fingers in the door wasn't actually what made me the worst mom ever...