Scan-xiety

A few weeks ago I took a class at Gilda's House on Scan-xiety...the anxiety one gets related to their next scan.

This may seem silly to someone who has never experienced scan-xiety, or had cancer, but talk to most anyone that has had cancer, and has to do routine scans, and they can usually relate. It's one of those reasons people go to Gilda's House. As I try to explain scan-xiety here I realize how silly it may seem to someone outside of the cancer world, yet if I talk about having an upcoming scan at Gilda's it is inevitable that others will ask "and how are you feeling about it?" or comment "I bet you can't wait to have it over with..."

It's hard because these scans are just scans. They don't actually change how I live today from how I live tomorrow (well, in general), but they hold a lot of power. Ok, actually, we give them a lot of power.

I wouldn't say I really learned much that was new in the scan-xiety class, but it was helpful in redirecting and refocusing my mind. It was a good reminder to live in the present moment and to remember that no matter what happens, I'm alive right now and that is worth being thankful for.

I'm not sure if it is the class or the fact that it's the holiday season and I'm so busy, but I have a scan on Thursday that I'm really not stressed about. I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also not dreading it.

I guess a part of my lack of anxiety is the fact that I think I'm doing pretty well right now. I mean I feel really crummy from chemo symptoms still, and I really hate that, but as far as cancer I feel pretty well.

I usually try not to talk too much or too specifically about my "cancer symptoms" because I'm a little superstitious. Before my last scan I could feel enlarged lymph nodes in my neck. I was having horrible night sweats and I was loosing weight no matter what I ate. I had pain in my sides (where other lymph nodes are located) that felt like a baby alligator was chewing away, so I was popping pain pills on a schedule and it still didn't take all the pain away.

At the risk of being completely wrong, I think I may actually have a pretty good scan this week, but who knows. I'm fairly good at telling when it's really bad, but I can't say that I can predict it all. All I can say, is that right now my pain is mostly bone pain from chemo. My sweats are hot flashes. I can't feel any enlarged lymph nodes, and much to my dismay (and happiness) I'm gaining weight (which I'm not supposed to loose...talk about a double edged sword).

Personally, I'm hoping for a Christmas miracle.

To be completely honest though, I am scared. Last time I had a mid-chemo scan it was really good and then the chemo stopped working. That's one of my biggest fears right now. I'm terrified I'll have a good scan and then in a few months I'll have another horrible one...This is where scan-xiety comes from. The reality though is that I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing ok today.

I'm here today and it's looking good for tomorrow.

This is probably the most important reminder for myself today as we received news that one of our Gilda's friends passed away over the weekend. She was barely older than me and last time I saw her she looked really good. She is mother and a wife and I keep thinking about her family and what Christmas will be like for them.

Geoff actually got the news first and told me when I came home from work tonight. We both cried and hugged each other extra tight. He followed me around the house trying to dispel all the similarities I was quietly finding in my head. Honestly though, I'm not sure which of us was harder hit by the news. Geoff was friends with her husband and usually related to him better than anyone else at Gilda's.

I've had occasional thoughts before today about what would happen if something changed before Christmas for us, as in what if I took a turn for the worst. Usually I shut the thoughts down as quickly as they start because I just can't afford to think that way. I always tell myself I'm here now, enjoy it. So that's what we did...

We are blessed and received a huge package of Christmas presents for our kiddos today from strangers. We were overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness and generosity. We put some of the presents under the tree and um, hid some others...and then we took one for each of the kids and talked to them about how lucky we are and how giving others are, then we let them each have one early present.

Of course the kids thought they were the lucky ones, but really it was us. We were in a position to really appreciate all the magic of Christmas at that moment. This way no matter what happens I got to have a little bit of Christmas with the kiddos already and you can bet that I'll be thinking about those memories while I lay in that noisy scanner on Thursday. Take that scan-xiety!