After having a wonderful Christmas and New Years...actually, the best (more on the holidays in another blog post)...I've been battling a miserable cold. My chemo round last week was horrible. I was non functional sick all week. Monday was the first day I ventured out of the house for a purpose (a birth actually).
Last weekend I almost called the clinic for hydration because I couldn't keep anything in. I've had a couple low grade fevers, but nothing significant. I've had a cough that has made my throat feel raw. I have aches and pains that combined with the bone pain from my chemo leaves me writhing and crying. I don't want to get out of bed. I can't stay warm.
I can't get comfortable, even in bed. I need pain meds for comfort, but they leave me feeling groggy and unable to think clearly. Worse yet, I realized that the pain meds I've been taking are exceeding my safe, daily Acetaminophen (Tylenol) dose.
The worst part of it all is that I have no patience. I'm crabby with Geoff and the kids over stupid little things. I'm not the mom I want to be or expect to be.
This morning Geoff got up and got the kids ready to go. He dropped E off at school and Ella at daycare while I called the chemo clinic. I sat by the phone waiting for them to call me back until he got home. He helped me up and into the shower. I cried most of the the time because I was so cold and miserable and that's when it really hit me. I didn't want to go to chemo. When I got out of the shower I called the chemo clinic again.
I had a half hour before I was supposed to be at the hospital for labs, but I didn't want anyone to poke me, access my port, or frankly touch me in any way. I said I would still come to the hospital for labs if needed, but I made it clear that I really didn't to go in for chemo today.
I've been offered days off before and always stubbornly declined. The last time was only two weeks ago, but I insisted that I have the chemo anyway. Today though, there was no way I was going...I just couldn't do it.
I got the day off and crawled back in bed. Geoff took care of me, but right now he had to run to UW to pick up my new pain meds. The prescription couldn't be called in to a different pharmacy because of the strength of the meds. I've never done well with pain meds this strong before, but I'm going to give to give it another try. I probably won't be to think straight, but hopefully I'll get some quality sleep and start to feel better soon.
This may sounds bad and I don't want people to start assuming the worst. Colds are just very hard for me right now and they seem to be everywhere. I have been sick on and off for months and I want to be done once and for all.
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