When I decided to forgo my radiation oncologist's advice to quit school and stop working and just enjoy my family, I did not envision stressing myself out or working myself to exhaustion.
While this week I have finally managed to incorporate a small bike ride, and horseback rides, I have not managed to incorporate any regular yoga, meditation, or adequate amounts of sleep. Tonight is also the first night this week that I have not passed out as Geoff was trying to get the kids to sleep (I'm pretty sure it is not a coincidence that it also the first day in a long time that I had no, yes that's right, NO narcotics! yes! Just say no to Norco!)
Anyway, I have done some serious thinking about what is stressing me out the most the past few days and what I can do to make it better. I've talked to Geoff because I'm not happy with the way my life is and I also talked with my wellness group tonight at Gilda's Club. It was at Gilda's that someone suggested that since I can't just up and leave my life right now...clinicals, work starts again this week, etc. but I'm tired and feel stretched beyond my limits that I need to tell everyone I'm going to my "virtual cabin."
This seemed like a great idea. I'm terrible with setting boundaries and advocating for myself, but honestly I need a little break. I know that the next few days are going to be very taxing on me and the family. Tomorrow I am doing a 12 hour call shift, Thursday I'm working, and Friday I have my scans. Thursday night Geoff teaches and I have a commitment at Gilda's Club (thankfully once again they are providing their wonderful free childcare so I can go).
In other words, these next few days there is going to be very little downtime for me. There is also going to be very little time for us as a family. Scans are hard for cancer patients and their families. This is one of the things that is constantly reinforced as our new normal by our Gilda family. It isn't just us, it's everyone. Results of scans, good or bad, are also hard.
On this note, I've decided that I'm headed to my virtual cabin. I wish I was actually going somewhere I could sleep in, swim, sunbathe, and go for nature walks, but for now this is going to have to do. It doesn't mean I'm completely unattainable, or that I'm not going to get on Facebook, it just means that I'm going to do what I need for me for the next few days and if I'm feeling overwhelmed or tired I may not respond to messages and texts right away. For right now I'm planning on staying at said virtual cabin at least through Friday, probably through Saturday, and maybe even next week if I need to.
I plan to post some sort of preliminary results on Friday as that was the original purpose of this blog. We won't have any idea of treatment or not treatment plans until next week, but we will let you know what we know. I love all of you and don't want to upset or worry anyone. I just need some simplicity. My life is suddenly much more complicated than I want it to be again and I feel pushed to the max. I need to slow down and take care of myself a little and have the energy to enjoy my kids.
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