C is not for cookie...: 2nd Birthday

Ella's second birthday was a big milestone for me. I've mentioned it before in the blog, but I'm ready to explain a little more thoroughly. When Ella was born I had what I consider to be the "perfect" birth. Ella was born at home in a birthing tub with wonderful midwives/women and Geoff present. I caught her myself. I was able to nurse her right away. Seriously...it was gorgeous.

Then I hemorrhaged. My placenta never detached and I needed to be emergently transferred to the hospital. Geoff and I left in an ambulance and I won't lie, I feared that I would never see my babies again. I knew what was happening and I was scared.

I remember being wheeled out of the house and wondering how I would ever be able to be a midwife and how I would ever be able to support other women through birth. I had just started midwifery school and I was scared that I had made a big mistake. I watched my vitals in the ambulance and fought to stay conscious. I remember the EMT's telling the driver to "DRIVE FASTER!"

It was the scariest experience of my life and I can honestly say at this point that I have been through some scary shit. Um, like, cancer...

My wonderful midwifery team brought Ella to us at the hospital and Geoff brought her to me in the recovery room, where I held her and nursed her again (in the meantime they took turns holding her skin to skin...I just have to mention that). I had a hard time dealing with all that happened in-between for the first year of Ella's life. It was hard for me to know that I missed that vital time with my infant. It was hard for me to know I missed her first car ride, or being weighed (this was a big deal), and so many other things...It was hard for me to know how close I came to dying.

I would cry and hide anytime I saw an ambulance and I was terrified to go back to work because I knew eventually I was going to have to encounter EMT's bringing a patient in (fortunately the first time it wasn't my patient so I hid in the bathroom while I cried). I obviously had PTSD. I knew it and so did Geoff and we just worked through it as best as we could.

I found other mom's that had their own traumatic birth experiences and bonded with them. I found helping them healed me. I looked forward to and dreaded Ella's first birthday because I knew that as I honored her special day all my nightmares would once again be brought to the surface.

The nightmares were definitely brought to the surface, but I never expected it would get worse. Just days before her first birthday I was diagnosed with cancer. I had no idea that her first birthday would coincide with my first oncology appointment. I had no idea that I would spend her first precious birthday sobbing because I was afraid I wouldn't have a chance to be there for her 2nd, 6th, 12th, 16th, 18th, 21st, 31st (golden birthday), etc.

This is why #2 was such a big deal for me. I wanted a birthday for Ella that was really about Ella. I wanted a day that we could just celebrate the way you expect to celebrate your little girl's birthday. Everything about that day terrified me, but instead of wanting to hide I wanted to make it wonderful.

I did everything I could to make it the best 2 year old bday I could. Money is still tight so I couldn't go too nuts spoiling her and I don't think that was necessary anyway, but I did make sure we had special presents for her. We had a bday party for her and invited friends/family. It was everything I wanted it to be. We even had a bounce house (in all fairness, E had one for his 2nd bday-right before Ella was born). I did something my pride would normally never let me do...I called the hardware store (Asleson's True Value) and gave them my sob story and asked for a discount because I knew a bounce house wasn't really in our budget. They were amazing and made everything easy for us.

Here are some pictures of the birthday: