Words can't express how happy that would make me if I was capable of feeling happiness right now.
I know that sounds dramatic, but honestly I feel terrible.
In the past 10 minutes I've made Geoff run and dive for the trash can because I was gagging and dry heaving. Then the wave of nausea subsided only to be followed by another. Then I started getting extremely sharp, shooting pains in my left hip bone. It felt like someone was stabbing me. I'm not sure exactly when I started crying, but that's where I am right now.
I have an hour before I can take pain or nausea meds again. I'd love to just take some Ibuprofen, but that is not an option right now. Today is a week out from my last chemo round. This means I had my labs drawn earlier today. Usually when I have my week post chemo labs drawn my platelets are really low. This means I am at an increased risk of bleeding. Normal platelet levels are 150-450 (well really written 150,000-450,000 per microliter). Mine are usually somewhere between 55-65. This isn't critically low, but it does mean I bruise easily and I can't take NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) like Ibuprofen.
I also don't want to push the limits of Tylenol, so I take it in smaller doses mixed with a narcotic, essentially what is most commonly known as Vicoden. I obsess all the time about needing too much pain meds. I hate that I take narcotics, but I didn't take them on a schedule for part of today and this what happens when I'm in the middle of a neupogen week and I get off schedule.
Honestly, it makes me feel I'm a "user."
I have another hour before I can take anything so I'm tucked in bed with my heating pad and bed buddies (mentioned in previous post) while I tough it out. I'm writing as a means to distract myself and honestly, I'm not sure how well any of it is working.
The worst of it is that I still have to take my last dose. I'm so tempted to throw it away, but I keep chanting in my head "this is the last one...this is the last one..." It really doesn't help.
Ok, actually that isn't the worst of it...the worst of it is, remember the stabbing pain? That pain is very similar to what I had before the scan that showed the cancer had spread. I have it every time I'm on a neupogen week and for the week after too. Neupogen gives me "flu-like symptoms" and "bone pain." Unfortunately the bone pain happens to be in the same places and a similar sensation to what I associate as cancer metastasis.
My next set of scans is next Friday. I've been pretty good about keeping a level head about it all, but it's almost impossible to keep yourself distracted from all the what ifs when you are living with a frequent, if not constant, painful and realistic impression of metastasis.
Also, I should mention that the little bit of hair I have currently feels like someone is constantly trying to pull it out. It hasn't all fallen out, but I wish it had bc it also hurts so bad. I constantly debate shaving it again because it gives me relief, but I know it will all subside in a few days again.
Did I mention that I'm supposed to be up early for a full day of office visits for school in the morning? I've already missed two days in the past week for not feeling well. I guess it is appropriate for me to insert a "cancer sucks!" statement here.
Well, I'm not crying anymore. That's a good thing...and it's almost time for me to take more meds and go to sleep right after I take that last miserable dose of Neupogen.
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