End of chemo...again

So I have been playing blog catch up today...This is my third and final post.

I finished chemo again, bonus round and all, last Thursday. Of course I am very excited and I had every intention of writing an amazing post last Thursday night, but I didn't.

Reasons:

3. Geoff was teaching and I was home alone with the kiddos
2. After the last time, I'm a little superstitious and terrified being "Yay! I'm done!" and the cancer gods seeing that as a challenge (again)
1. I have felt like crap!!!

So, more on that reason #1...Last Thursday when I was at chemo clinic, I actually requested of the PA's look at my throat to see if it there was any resemblance to strep. Both kiddos were sick and passed the crud onto me and I didn't want to take any chances. Then I went and had chemo which in case you don't know, does not make one feel better. THEN...on Friday I started what I hope is my last round of Neupogen (EVER!!!) and that only made me feel worse.

By Friday night I was writhing in bed and whimpering like a BIG wuss. I was laying on my heating pad and had already taken a nice long soak in the tub in epsom salts and a variety of essential oils (none of which I could smell). I took all the meds I could and Geoff packed "bed buddies" (basically cute fabric covered rice bags that are microwavable for use as heat packs) around me.

Since then I have had what I am considering to be horrible hot flashes but are more likely violent temp fluctuations. I don't really get chilled, but I do sweat and get drenched. It's disgusting! I also, have really disgusting drainage from my sinuses which leaves me with headaches and nausea.

I take meds for the headaches and nausea, but the meds don't make the rest of it all go away and they definitely don't fix the fatigue.

As I write this I feel like I'm being a big wuss. I promise, I'm still functional and doing what I can around here to help out, but I'm tired. Really tired.

I decided on Saturday that I needed to stay home from clinicals. I was supposed to do a 12 hour call shift and I realized I just didn't have it in me to do. Not to mention I'm sure no new mom/family wanted me anywhere near their new baby.

Then today I was supposed to be in clinic, but I wimped out again.

I spent a good amount of time talking with my clinical faculty about this yesterday. I also spent even more talking with my family. I feel bad. Clinicals are something that I am thankful for each day. I realize how lucky I am to have such a great clinical site. I am fortunate enough to have wonderful preceptors and by having "sick" days I feel like I am blowing all of that off.

It really stresses me out to think about. I don't want to give anyone the impression that I am not appreciative or that I can't keep up. Ok, so sometimes I can't keep up, but honestly, I had chemo, neupogen and some sort of cold/virus/sinus crap. It's reasonable to think that I might not be able to keep up with that, right?

It is really frustrating, but it is also very temporary.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten the end of chemo last time. I was all like "woo hoo!!! I'm done!!! Screw you cancer!!! Now I can get back to my regularly scheduled life!!!" Then I fell on my face (figuratively, of course).

I realize this time that just because I am actually done with chemo, doesn't mean I am "done" with chemo. It takes months to get it all out of my system. It took months to get it there and I need to let it do what it is supposed to be doing. I also need to remember that it is cumulative (for me anyway) and right about now is when it really kicks my butt.

All of that is hard though because chemo wasn't as horrible as I had anticipated this time. I thought I wasn't going to be able to function at all, and that hasn't been the case. Of course I think I've learned my lesson this time so I will just continue to take everything one day at a time.

For today, my priority is taking it easy. Obviously I blogged, and as soon as Ella goes to sleep I plan on napping. Tomorrow I'd like to do a little homework. Wednesday I plan to be back at clinical, but I'm guessing that will wipe me out again, so Thursday I have no goals. Um, ya...well, that's my version of taking it one day at a time...I guess it's more like 3 at a time...