Man's Best Friend

I know Father's Day was technically last weekend...We celebrated with my dad and Geoff rode the commuter train in Chicago with the kids as I previously blogged about, but other than that I didn't have all I wanted to do ready. Usually the kids and I make cards and some sort of a gift. This year they had made cards at daycare (I count those as bonus cards), but due to my schedule and energy levels and frankly, lack of organization, we hadn't done our usual craft session together. Furthermore, I know that the one thing Geoff really wants is to sleep in, and our trip to Chicago definitely didn't coordinate with a day to sleep in. Of course Geoff deserves so much more, but due to our current situation we had a previous agreement that prevented gifts that required monetary value.

Geoff did so much for me on Mother's Day and made it the day I really always wanted it to be, so I wanted to do the same for him. Since last weekend didn't work out the way I wanted it to I asked him (ok, I actually asked ahead of time because I knew it wasn't going to work for sleeping in, etc.) if we could extend Father's Day to today. I would have chose tomorrow too, but I am on call tomorrow, so today it is.

I fell asleep right after putting the kids to bed last night and Geoff stayed up late. I woke up around midnight and talked to him for awhile and reassured him that today was going to be all about him. Finally he went to bed and I couldn't sleep so I stayed up for a bit. I had a nagging suspicion of what this morning was to bring, but I hoped against hope and prayed and decided that I just needed to go to sleep.

Then at about 6 this morning I noticed Esther get up out of bed and leave (yes, she sleeps in our bed). Esther is usually one of the last up. Just as I was about to get up and check on her Ella rolled over on me, whimpered a little, and went back to sleep (yes, Ella sleeps with us too). I listened for Esther but didn't hear anything, I glanced at Geoff to see if he noticed, but he was asleep, and I decided I should just sleep a little longer if possible. I'm not sure if E was awake at that time or if it was when I woke up an hour later, but E is pretty happy to wake up on Saturday mornings and play legos in his room indefinitely. He gets up and goes to the potty and will walk downstairs and get juice from the fridge if we have a cup poured for him before we go to bed, so he is basically self-reliant. Regardless, at some point I noticed E was up which usually makes me sleep lighter. Then around 7:30 Ella started getting restless and I woke up for good. Esther still wasn't back so I decided it was time to check on her.

She was sitting in one of her favorite places...at the top of the stairs just outside of E's room. I took her and the other two pups outside and then I urged her to come back upstairs so I could give her her morning dose of subcutaneous fluids. She pretty much hates getting her fluids, but she didn't put up the fight she usually does. She just gave me a look that pretty much told me how she felt. She snuggled in with me while the fluids went in and I promised her this was the last time. It was obvious to me it wasn't helping anymore. I talked to her through the process and then I tried to give her a treat...her favorite kind of treats that she will do anything for. She didn't want it.

I had already made up my mind before this moment but this is when I lost it. Geoff heard me crying and asked what was up. I told him it was time and before he could try to talk me out of it I launched into an explanation of how miserable Esther seemed. He saw the treat sitting on the floor and he nodded. I called the vet clinic and waited for our vet to call me back. In the meantime I got the kids and Geoff set up with breakfast (Geoff got breakfast in bed, but it was basically just english muffins with jam and juice). I urged Esther back into bed where she and Geoff have stayed snuggled in together and then I talked to our vet when he called back.

He is coming at about noon today. We have given up on the day. We have cartoons on in our room to keep the kids occupied and we are hiding out with Etty until the end. I wish this wasn't happening and keep hoping to wake up to a different reality, but I know that's not going to happen.

Last night Geoff and I got an email from some friends of ours that paid for a consult for Esther at a holistic vet. Both of us were moved to tears and then Geoff said what I was thinking "We need to call first thing in the morning because I'm afraid there won't be enough time otherwise." Now I have to email our friends back and thank them for their gracious, but unnecessary gift.

The thing is though, I don't want to email anyone today. I don't want to do anything except hole up with my family and wallow. My heart aches in ways I will never be able to verbalize. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to be able to pull it together and put on a good enough act to be on call tomorrow. I guess we'll see...one day at a time.

In the meantime, so much for Father's Day 2013. The Dad that deserves a Father's Day more than anyone else...for all he has braved through as a husband and a dad this year is getting the worst on his make-up Father's Day. I wish I could find a way to fix this for everyone, but especially him. Esther is his puppy through and through. Esther is that dog that our whole family loves and claims as their own. We joke in our house about who claims each dog or each cat and Esther has always been Geoff's...I have always tried to steal her to my side, but if Esther was given the choice, she would usually choose Geoff. I can look at just about any picture of the two of them and it should be titled "Man's Best Friend."...esp. the one I took of the two of them sleeping together just before I started writing this post.