Man's Best Friend

I know Father's Day was technically last weekend...We celebrated with my dad and Geoff rode the commuter train in Chicago with the kids as I previously blogged about, but other than that I didn't have all I wanted to do ready. Usually the kids and I make cards and some sort of a gift. This year they had made cards at daycare (I count those as bonus cards), but due to my schedule and energy levels and frankly, lack of organization, we hadn't done our usual craft session together. Furthermore, I know that the one thing Geoff really wants is to sleep in, and our trip to Chicago definitely didn't coordinate with a day to sleep in. Of course Geoff deserves so much more, but due to our current situation we had a previous agreement that prevented gifts that required monetary value.

Geoff did so much for me on Mother's Day and made it the day I really always wanted it to be, so I wanted to do the same for him. Since last weekend didn't work out the way I wanted it to I asked him (ok, I actually asked ahead of time because I knew it wasn't going to work for sleeping in, etc.) if we could extend Father's Day to today. I would have chose tomorrow too, but I am on call tomorrow, so today it is.

I fell asleep right after putting the kids to bed last night and Geoff stayed up late. I woke up around midnight and talked to him for awhile and reassured him that today was going to be all about him. Finally he went to bed and I couldn't sleep so I stayed up for a bit. I had a nagging suspicion of what this morning was to bring, but I hoped against hope and prayed and decided that I just needed to go to sleep.

Then at about 6 this morning I noticed Esther get up out of bed and leave (yes, she sleeps in our bed). Esther is usually one of the last up. Just as I was about to get up and check on her Ella rolled over on me, whimpered a little, and went back to sleep (yes, Ella sleeps with us too). I listened for Esther but didn't hear anything, I glanced at Geoff to see if he noticed, but he was asleep, and I decided I should just sleep a little longer if possible. I'm not sure if E was awake at that time or if it was when I woke up an hour later, but E is pretty happy to wake up on Saturday mornings and play legos in his room indefinitely. He gets up and goes to the potty and will walk downstairs and get juice from the fridge if we have a cup poured for him before we go to bed, so he is basically self-reliant. Regardless, at some point I noticed E was up which usually makes me sleep lighter. Then around 7:30 Ella started getting restless and I woke up for good. Esther still wasn't back so I decided it was time to check on her.

She was sitting in one of her favorite places...at the top of the stairs just outside of E's room. I took her and the other two pups outside and then I urged her to come back upstairs so I could give her her morning dose of subcutaneous fluids. She pretty much hates getting her fluids, but she didn't put up the fight she usually does. She just gave me a look that pretty much told me how she felt. She snuggled in with me while the fluids went in and I promised her this was the last time. It was obvious to me it wasn't helping anymore. I talked to her through the process and then I tried to give her a treat...her favorite kind of treats that she will do anything for. She didn't want it.

I had already made up my mind before this moment but this is when I lost it. Geoff heard me crying and asked what was up. I told him it was time and before he could try to talk me out of it I launched into an explanation of how miserable Esther seemed. He saw the treat sitting on the floor and he nodded. I called the vet clinic and waited for our vet to call me back. In the meantime I got the kids and Geoff set up with breakfast (Geoff got breakfast in bed, but it was basically just english muffins with jam and juice). I urged Esther back into bed where she and Geoff have stayed snuggled in together and then I talked to our vet when he called back.

He is coming at about noon today. We have given up on the day. We have cartoons on in our room to keep the kids occupied and we are hiding out with Etty until the end. I wish this wasn't happening and keep hoping to wake up to a different reality, but I know that's not going to happen.

Last night Geoff and I got an email from some friends of ours that paid for a consult for Esther at a holistic vet. Both of us were moved to tears and then Geoff said what I was thinking "We need to call first thing in the morning because I'm afraid there won't be enough time otherwise." Now I have to email our friends back and thank them for their gracious, but unnecessary gift.

The thing is though, I don't want to email anyone today. I don't want to do anything except hole up with my family and wallow. My heart aches in ways I will never be able to verbalize. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to be able to pull it together and put on a good enough act to be on call tomorrow. I guess we'll see...one day at a time.

In the meantime, so much for Father's Day 2013. The Dad that deserves a Father's Day more than anyone else...for all he has braved through as a husband and a dad this year is getting the worst on his make-up Father's Day. I wish I could find a way to fix this for everyone, but especially him. Esther is his puppy through and through. Esther is that dog that our whole family loves and claims as their own. We joke in our house about who claims each dog or each cat and Esther has always been Geoff's...I have always tried to steal her to my side, but if Esther was given the choice, she would usually choose Geoff. I can look at just about any picture of the two of them and it should be titled "Man's Best Friend."...esp. the one I took of the two of them sleeping together just before I started writing this post.

Defeated

Alright, I need to vent. I feel like I am on overload and nothing is going right. This is my place, my blog. Please know that I am trying to stay positive. I'm trying with all I have, but right now, I need to let it out.

I think it's pretty obvious that cancer isn't easy. I also know that at times, I make it look easy. Maybe that sounds silly or vain, but it's true. I started this blog as a way to update friends and family and it morphed into a way to share my journey. It works well for me, but I don't think it always gives a true representation of what we go through. I mean, how could it? So much of this journey is personal. I share a lot more than I thought I would, but there is so much more that I don't want to share.

This journey isn't glamorous. In many ways it is downright degrading. We are constantly struggling to juggle our limited resources...energy, money, patience, hope...Overall, I think we do a great job. I mean, I'm pretty sure I've never shared on here before that my current 5 year survival rate is a whopping 15%. Yup, that's it. Think about that for a minute. Try to put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if you knew your chance of living to 2018 is 15%? Or your chance of getting to see your kids turn 9 and 7 is 15%? I'm guessing it would affect how you live your day to day life. It has for me.

Don't get me wrong, cancer isn't all bad. I've said this before and someday I'll write a post on all the ways cancer has been good...The silver linings if you will. I would never have known how many lives I have touched without cancer. I have never felt as loved as I do now. I have never felt as supported as I do now...but sometimes I feel so alone, more alone than I ever have before. I know that no one else has walked in my shoes. No one else can really understand all the choices I have made or all of my fears. I know that no one else can predict my future.

I'm lucky to have Geoff. He understands most of it. He's going through most of it too, but we both still have our own perspectives and stories. I worry constantly that if I don't recover I will leave him in financial ruin. I know it's not really true, but there is some truth to it. I don't even know how it got to this. When we bought our house we made the decision to only buy what we could afford off one salary. We didn't ever want to be house poor.

Life has a way of tricking you into a sense of security. Over the last couple years we unconsciously adjusted our expenses to the life of a double income. Then this past year I haven't come close to earning what I used to. Combine that with added childcare expenses and a sick dog and whatever the crisis is of the week is and suddenly we are worrying how we are going to  pay all the bills and still afford basic necessities.

I don't know what we would have done without all the support from our friends and family. I get phone calls all the time from organizations asking me to give money to people fighting cancer and usually politely decline telling them I'm battling cancer myself. I always feel guilty and look forward to the day that I myself can proudly give, but recently I've become more jaded. I have stage 4b cancer. I have 2 really small children. All of our family has struggled to help us this year and yet, where are those organizations for us? Do I need to be on my death bed for them to help us? I guess I don't understand how it works.

Back in March when the cancer came back and spread, we were fortunate enough to have an outpouring of people offering us trips. My aunts offered to send us to Disney World, someone else offered to send us to the beach, someone else their luxury condo in the mountains, and others still their cabins and retreats. We carefully considered all of these offers. In all reality, we drooled over all of these offers, but we knew we couldn't afford to accept really any of them. Geoff already takes off work for all my chemo days and big appointments, he couldn't afford to take a week or two or three off for vacations. We couldn't afford the travel expenses or all the extras such as pet sitters/kennel/food for us. We have a deal that we will reconsider this if things get bad, but even then it's a double edged sword. How do I add that kind of financial strain for one last family trip? On the other hand, how do I deny my family the opportunity to have one last somewhat carefree family vacation with me?

That's the biggest problem with all of this...because I share on my blog and because we have accepted help from everyone it opens us up to judgement and we know it. We are always in a position to have people ask us why don't we just get rid of our pets or why don't I just drop out of school or why don't we <fill in the blank>? Sometimes these questions are innocent enough and just based out of genuine curiosity, other times people try to inflict their viewpoints on us. We try to let it go and we tell ourselves that it really isn't anyone else's business, but it's not always that easy for us...Especially when it is someone really close to us.

Furthermore people don't know all the truths...We have gotten so much help from our animal loving friends. We have gotten hundreds of dollars of credit at the kennel for our dogs which came in very handy when I had my hysterectomy. We have gotten hundreds of dollars of credit for doggy daycare...much of which was donated by the actual employees of our doggy daycare. We are so grateful to them. We have gotten hundreds of dollars of credit for dog/cat food which has kept us going for a long time. Another wonderful friend of mine took care of all of Aggie's (the horse) spring vaccinations and vet visit. Someone else has been generous beyond words and refused to let us pay any of Aggie's board payments for months.

All of this combined with the cancer cell sale is what has kept us going. Of course there are people who have given to us outside of the cancer cell sale, especially family. My aunts continue to spoil us with housekeeping and other support. There are so many things that people have done that I feel terrible that we are still struggling.

I know I physically cannot work and do clinicals at the same time. It worked out perfectly that I could do clinicals while I am on my summer break, unless you consider the financial impact. At the same time what was I to do? Go back to floor nursing for the summer? I can handle an 8 hour clinic day, but my 12 hour on-call shifts kill me. With clinicals I get to make my own schedule and call the shots. If I drop out of school right now, I have student loans that will come back to haunt me and worse yet I can't pick back up where I left off when I go back. I would have to at the very least repeat my week in Kentucky...something I really don't want to do (I had a great time but it was a once in a lifetime experience for me).

Nothing is ever as straight forward as it seems and everyone has their crap. I know this. We all want to talk about our problems, but rarely do we really understand each others problems. I am very aware of this too. My problems are too complex even for this post.

Today all of the things I already have talked about were exacerbated by a few other things...Esther got severely dehydrated over the weekend and now she is at the vet clinic for IV fluids. She's been there since yesterday and will hopefully come home tomorrow. She is eating and doing well, but I knew when I wrote my update about her the other night that something still wasn't quite right. I wanted to be positive and optimistic, but Monday morning it was time to be realistic. I left for my on-call shift crying the entire drive into Madison because I wasn't sure I was going to have a pup when I got done with my shift. Instead it turned out to be better than I originally thought, but we have no idea how we are going to pay for 3 days of doggy vet care.

This is ironic because I have always felt that you shouldn't have pets or children if you can't afford them. So much for that theory...Then while I was a few hours into my on-call shift on Monday I got an email from school telling me that the credentialing they do for all my clinical sites fell through with UW Health clinics. I'm sure it will get fixed, but in the meantime I am not allowed to spend time doing clinicals in my clinic sites. This complicates things in so many ways. The biggest is that I was in clinic last Thursday and I was going to be in clinic again this Thursday and Friday so I could hopefully see some of the same patients. I need to have continuity patients that I see multiple times throughout their pregnancy and I even need to have someone that I see multiple times, am present at their birth and I see again at their 6 week postpartum appointment. This week was critical for making that happen and now it's doubtful that I will be able to be in clinic by Thursday or Friday.

There is always more...we had talked to our mortgage company about options for our situation. They encouraged us to apply for financial assistance...We started this a couple months ago and finally heard back. We can get a whopping $60 off our monthly payments, but take a credit hit. Um, no thank you.

and then there are all the other little things...our housekeepers didn't come last week and the house is a mess and neither of us have the energy budgeted to scrub toilets, wash floors, and vacuum in addition to everything else. Also, I used the printer and realized that a couple of the cartridges are almost out of ink and I don't have the funds budgeted for new cartridges. It sounds silly, but it really is always something and today it was enough somethings that I felt defeated.

Oh and finally...I have a huge hematoma on my butt. I walked into a cat tree or a dresser last Friday as I was backing out of the bathroom and running for the phone (I know it probably doesn't make sense, just trust me..). Of course my platelets were low from chemo (this means my blood doesn't clot like normal) and voila! huge bruise. As if that wasn't bad enough now it has a huge, hard lump and it is painful to sit down. I've tried icing it and I've tried heat and both just seem to make it worse. Finally I caved and asked Geoff to use a Sharpie and trace around it so I can keep track of whether it is getting bigger or not.

Luckily for me, tomorrow is another day. I know it will be better. It has to be. Tomorrow I'll go back to trying to overlook all the uncertainties and focusing on making sure that I'm one of those 15% that survive. 

Family

First of all, Esther, update...She is hanging in there. She had labs drawn again last week and her BUN and Cr. had decreased (for those of you who don't know...these labs used to evaluate kidney function). They are still very high, but her baseline has always been high so it's difficult to interpret the true significance of the numbers. This makes it really hard to give a prognosis for her, so we are loving her and spoiling her and taking it one day at a time. I am giving her half a liter of fluids subcutaneously twice a day. She is also on oral antibiotics on the off chance that all of this was brought on by Lyme's disease or leptospirosis. She is on a predominately canned food diet, but the food isn't always her favorite and getting her to eat is the most important thing right now, so it's a balancing act. All that being said, she looks good and acts predominately normal so it is really hard to judge the situation.

Moving on...This weekend my cousin got married in Chicago. We had originally planned to leave on Friday night so we could maximize our time with family. As it turned out I signed up for my first call shift. I was scheduled from 8 am to 8 pm so we decided to wait to leave until early Sat. morning. In the end I didn't get home until about 1 in the morning because I stayed over with a laboring patient. I ended up with a few births and I was completely exhausted.

The wedding was an evening wedding so we opted to try to sleep in a little Sat. morning. I say try because I'm still fighting a cough that increases in severity in correlation to my attempts to sleep. In other words, I barely slept. We ended up arriving at my aunt and uncles house at about 2:30pm.

My aunt and uncle are basically the coolest people ever and they decided that since they were staying at a hotel closer to the wedding my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, nieces, nephew, and all of us could have their house for the weekend. It was really nice because it gave all of us time to catch up and yet, all of us had space to spread out.

The wedding itself was a lot of fun too. Ok, actually, we missed the wedding. We got stuck in traffic and we feel like total schmucks. We walked in just as it finished and the reception began. I'm not sure if my brother in his family made it in time, but I know my parents missed pretty much everything too, so I don't feel quite as bad...So what I meant to say was the reception was a lot of fun!

All of my aunts and uncles and cousins were there. My grandparents were there and I have to share a cute little story about them...At some point in the evening there was an anniversary dance where all the married couples were supposed to dance. I'm pretty sure all the married couples except Geoff and I were dancing. We were excused because we were busy with two overtired and overstimulated munchkins. Eventually we decided we should join in too but just as we got up to join the dj started to "vote off" couples by marriage length. We hesitated for a moment too long and suddenly the 5-10 year group was told to sit down. We both sighed and sat back down. Anyway, this continued
for a bit until the only people left on the dance floor were married 45+ years. The two couples were my parents and my grandparents. Then my parents were kicked out too. My grandparents have been married 71 years. 71 years. Really! They are adorable and even though the motivation for this blog makes it seem unlikely that I have a chance at 71 years of marriage, I hope to live up to their legacy.

A picture of the anniversary dance taken before it was just my parents and grandparents left (My dad is wearing the navy sport coat and grey pants and my grandparents are the cute couple in the middle front)

Ella making an exception to dance with Grandpa

 Our kids had a great time too...though they didn't always coordinate with each other or us. Ella wanted to dance the entire time. Literally...I think my aunt summed it up best by saying something along the lines of Ella should "sleep until next Tuesday." Ephraim on the other hand wanted to dance with Ella, but she was not having any of it. She wanted to do her own thing. He also wanted cake and to take photos in the photo booth, but only if he got to be an astronaut. I'll share those pictures another day.

This morning, all of us packed up and got ready to go home. It was special because it was also Father's Day.

Ella going to dance with Grandpa and Grandma.

My nephew and nieces

We spent most of the morning together and then we all headed our separate ways. Somewhat literally in the case of my little family. Per my oldest brother's suggestion (he is a train nut who generally enables E's passion for all things trains) Geoff and the kids took the commuter train out of Chicago. This trip was meant as something special for E, but since it was Father's Day it only made sense that Geoff got have the fun ride, so I plugged the destination info into my smart phone and headed off to Libertyville, IL (about 20 minutes away) in the car to meet up with them. E was basically glowing and Ella told me at least three times that she had fun. Geoff looked like he had a pretty good time himself.

I won't lie, this worked for me as well. There is a huge tack shop (horse stuff) in Libertyville that I got to have a little time to putz in after picking them up. Then all of us headed home where we spend most of the rest of the day playing in the backyard.

Chemo Buddy

In fall of 2008 Geoff and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary, owning our first home for a year, and the pregnancy of our first child. A few weeks later we were devastated to find that our Coonhound Chester had an aggressive form of cancer.

We did everything we could to make him comfortable and give him quality of life and we were pretty successful for a few months, but on Christmas day 2008 we realized that it was time. After everyone had left we headed out for the emergency clinic where we said our final good-byes and allowed our good friend to end his suffering.

We had known the day was coming and in an attempt to make things easier on us, we had decided to transition a new puppy into our household a few weeks earlier. She was only 4 weeks old when we took her in. She was a sad case. Her mom had died in childbirth or shortly there-after (we don't really know) and the people that owned her parents decided to split up the litter of puppies too soon.

We had been searching for Coonhound puppies in a variety of places and came across her on Craigslist. At the time I was working a weekend of 12 hour night shifts, but after working 7pm-7am on a Friday night, we packed in the car on a Saturday and drove a few hours to go see the last available puppy. We promised we wouldn't make an rash decisions and we held to it. After seeing the teeny puppy, we drove to see a young Bloodhound that lived blocks away from my parents in Appleton.

Then we turned around and headed back home so I could be back to work that night. If we would have had enough time we would have stopped to pick up Esther on the way back, but instead we called and made arrangements for Geoff to head back and pick up baby Esther after I went to work for the night.

Esther was too little to go outside to go potty so initially we had to puppy pad train her. We also had to formula feed her around the clock. Then as she got older she didn't have appropriate puppy socialization skills so we took her to puppy classes and eventually put her in doggy daycare.

We have been absolutely mad about her from day 1. She has always been a major part of our household. She was madly loved by our other dog, Jefferson, and even our kitties. Esther was only 7 months old when E was born and she is even a part of his birth story.

 

She has always been a lover. Always. She is great with us, she is great with our kids, she is great with our zoo...About the only time she gets into trouble is when we let her come out to the barn to see Aggie, our horse...and to be fair, she only gets into trouble because she wants to play with the horses and the chickens...

When she first came home with us she was actually smaller than one of the little 6" tile squares in our master bath. We would carry her around our house in a little laundry basket. It wasn't long before that laundry basket was upgraded to a rubbermaid bin and eventually a little dog crate. Regardless, she traveled around the house with us everywhere...well, and in the car too.

In fact, I'm pretty sure the first time we left her home by herself (well, what I mean by that is...in the house without another dog) was that Christmas night in 2008. We took our other dog, Jeffy, with us so he could have time to say good-bye to Chester and all of us could comfort each other.

When she was appropriately old enough we had her spayed. She had a hard time with the anesthesia and her labs showed that she had some elevated kidney values.

Periodically, we have had another scare or reason for concern, but nothing significant. The biggest problem Esther has had is chronic ear infections. Unfortunately those ear infections have seemed to morph into something bigger and more difficult recently...Something that this week resulted in intermittent vomiting and shaking.

 So I took her to the vet clinic this morning. Our wonderful vet did a full exam and some blood work. He felt she would benefit from some IV fluids, so I left Esther at the clinic for the day.

I had clinicals and I missed my first appointment of the day to take Esther to the vet. I was frustrated, but there was no other option in my mind. On the other hand, I was amazed to find that Esther wagged her tail when we pulled into the vet clinic and she was mostly willing to go to the back room of the vet clinic when I left.

I checked in with Geoff throughout the day to see if he had any updates and it wasn't until after 5 that I got the message that the news was bad. Her kidney values were terrible. Geoff was already at the vet clinic and I headed out as soon as I could. I called and talked with our vet on the way and decided that Esther would come home with us for the weekend and I would give her subcutaneous fluids. The other options were leave her with an IV at the clinic with someone to check on her every few hours, or to send her to the emergency clinic.

In all honesty her prognosis is probably not very good. I don't even know what to think right now. She is my best buddy. She sleeps with us every night. She is always there on chemo days...really, she IS my chemo buddy. She follows me around and if it was up to me, I would take her everywhere with me. Really.

I just don't understand how to process this. Why can't this horrible black rain cloud go away? Why!?!?! *%$^$!!!! I can't emotionally afford this right now! I can't financially afford this right now! I just don't know what else to do, other than blog...and even with blogging I just can't seem to find the words to express what I need to say right now. So I'll leave you with what I can manage to choke out...

Please pray for us. Please pray for our beloved, Esther. Please pray for healing, and peace, and comfort, and whatever else you can think of. Please pray for my friend that still found the energy to run to the door and greet me when I came home tonight or has followed me from room to room since then. Please pray that somehow everything works out the way it is supposed to and that we can focus our love and attention on our friend who deserves so much more from us right now than us worrying about how we are going to pay for giving her a chance to heal. Just pray.

Wigs and Pink eye

I made it through round 4.2 of chemo today. Geoff and I drove separate so he could pick E up from preschool because we were pretty sure that I wouldn't be done before E.

Usually E has "wrap around care" which means he goes to another room for more post-preschool daycare with a few other kids his age and a year or two older. Since this week is technically a bonus preschool week there is no wrap around.

Overall it worked out fine. Geoff picked him up and made him lunch. I stopped and got myself a Jimmy John's sandwich on the way home. By the time I got home it was nearly nap time. Geoff left and went to work for the rest of the day and E and decided to take naps together.

He snuggled in to our bed and watched a little Nick Jr. while I talked to my mom for a few minutes and then we both slept most of the rest of the afternoon.

Then Geoff picked Ella up from daycare and brought her home before he headed off to an in-service night for faculty at ITT Tech. As we were waving good-bye to Geoff I noticed a package on the front steps. I know who it was from and it made me giggle as it was a couple of small magazines, a wig, and a case of natural pectin for canning. I had given this person a jar of homemade strawberry jam awhile back and I was tickled that she obviously remembered just in time for jam season. The wig made me laugh too. The kids wanted to put it on all their stuffed animals and E asked approximately 2.5 million questions about it.

Wigs have been an adult topic frequently lately as I am constantly reminded that I can get high quality ones for free at the cancer center. I have also had numerous people offer to lend me or give me one. I think people are having a hard time with how awkward my hair looks during this peach fuzz stage. Trust me I don't like it either. I've debated shaving it all off again multiple times. Mostly so that as it grows back in, it can actually grow in at it's normal thickness, but I don't think I'm going to do it. (Don't hold me to that though when the temps are in the high 90's plus)

Geoff is knitting me a hat made out of some cashmere and silk yarn I picked out when I first donated my hair. Originally I was going to make the hat, but then I decided I didn't feel like it and since he still wanted to make me a hat I passed the precious yarn on to him. He already made me one hat way back in March when he flew to San Diego for his brother's wedding, but it was knit too loosely and I managed to snag it one too many times to wear it out in public.

I was very pleased to find that his (our) aunt also knit me a hat. I came home from Nashville to find a little package with a hat that has barely made it's way off my head. I have a lot of non-knit hats and bandanas and scarves, but for some reason this hat just seems to be the perfect one right now. I wore it to chemo today and it's on as I write this...it's just right (ok, it's a little big, but that's part of what I like about it). Also, I don't think it looks like a traditional chemo hat and it makes it less obvious that I don't have any hair underneath it.

So, pink eye. No, I do not have it and hopefully, I won't get it, but it appears our kids may have it. I found eye drops from a previous time and started a strict regimen of warm compresses and eye drops. I felt bad sending E to preschool and Ella to daycare with the knowledge that they may have it, but E looked fine this morning and I'm hedging my bets that daycare sent it home with Ella in the first place. Sure enough at the end of the day today I got a call from daycare stating they think that Ella might have pink eye. Since it was approximately a half hour before Geoff was to pick her up they told me not to worry about picking her up earlier. They reassured me they would be disinfecting everything and I decided she's staying home with us tomorrow. Unfortunately this means chemo with Ella, but it should only be an hour or so. We've done it before and we'll do it again.

Other than that I am still really tired from the combination of driving home through the night and back to back chemo days. Ella was up for a couple hours last night and that didn't exactly help the situation as some of it I suspect was her just wanting to spend time with me (as she held me tight, smiled at me, and sang to me...how could you be mad about that?). Tomorrow I thought I had a break day, but now I'll have both kids home with me after chemo, so I need to try to get some quality sleep tonight.

4 is the number of the day

I arrived home from Nashville at about 4 am this morning.

My friend and I left last evening just before 6 pm and drove straight through. We took turns for the first 4.5 hours (yes, I shared...this statement is aimed at one particular person...you know who you are). Then we dropped my friend off at her car that she left at an Amtrak station and we headed back out for the last legs individually.

She had a little more than two more hours drive to get back home to Indianapolis and I had nearly five more hours to get back to Madison. I talked on the phone with Geoff and my mom (thanks mom for staying up to the wee hours of the morning chatting away with me). I talked with my friend for a few minutes too. For the last few hours I was on my own. I felt bad for keeping my mom up so late and I need a little me time.

Part of it was I really didn't have me time for the past week, and part of it was I needed time to process how much I missed my Nash Vegas life and friends. I felt like I did when I was a little kid coming home from summer camp...so happy to go home to my family, my zoo, my bed, my home, but so incredibly sad that my days are no longer going to include 13 amazing women telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard, or making our own even funnier stories. They are my new family and it was hard to leave them.

I did it though, I got home. I was so relieved and then I was so crabby. I don't know if it all hit at once or what, but I just needed to go to sleep immediately. I took a quick shower, set my alarm and realized I only had a whopping 1.75 hours to sleep before I had to be back up for chemo round 4.

I couldn't do it. Geoff wasn't ready to go so I waited until he was almost ready before I stopped snoozing my alarm and finally dragged myself out of my bed to get dressed.

I apologized at the hospital because we were over an hour late, but I was told not to worry about it numerous times. I did my usual labs (they were good), I had an IV inserted at the same time (it was a little more painful than usual but it worked great and it's still in so it was worth the pain), and then we headed for our clinic appointment.

Today we asked for the PA. We really like her and are comfortable with her, but as usual there was a delay and someone else came in. This new person introduced herself and asked if we wanted to see her or wait for PA. I recognized her name as my NP's self proclaimed twin and office mate and decided immediately that we needed to meet this person.

She was amazing too. Very sweet. She asked me the usual questions and we talked a little about the Nashville trip, then Geoff and it asked her about the final results from my recent scans. She pulled them up. The PET results were the same, but the CT scans had some discrepancies.

The most notable discrepancy was the CT scan did show a new tumor in my renal vein that was 6 mm. I was heartbroken. It also showed that some of the pelvic nodes hadn't shrunk as we thought. We just looked at each other and I thought to myself "of course, here we go again." It feels like good news is always followed by some sort of gut wrenching news. Always.

Most of the thoughts going through my head were things like "I laughed about my ability to kill cancer all this week, or I thought it was all going to be ok." When we had a few moments to ourselves, Geoff turned to me asked "were we getting to cocky? Did we need to be taken down a notch?" We agreed we hadn't thought it was the case and that we will never get used to this rollarcoaster ride.

A few minutes later the NP brought in our favorite MD to discuss the significance of the scan discrepancies. The MD told us that she felt it was all really good. She said the kind of cancer I have tends to have high levels of metabolic activity, aka it is very PET scan reactive. She felt that if this new node didn't show up on the PET scan (it didn't) then that was good thing and it wasn't something to be overly concerned about. Also she felt that if the PET scan showed less metabolic activity in all the nodes that was more significant than the CT showing the some of the pelvic nodes having no difference in size.

I won't lie, I'm still a little crushed. I heard the words she said, but I feel like I've lied to all my friends, family, and even to myself. What's important is that everything shows the distant nodes (the ones in my neck) are shrinking and going into remission. If the pelvic nodes are proving to be more difficult but it's contained to the pelvic then there are other options. Really though, I want this chemo to work so bad. I want remission so bad. Hell, I just want to live so bad.

I have to remind myself that going into this scan the original idea was that even if there was no change from my last scans that was considered very good bc it is still early for the chemo to have dramatic effects. According to the PET scan I did have dramatic results, so this is good. I have 3 rounds left and a lot more cancer killing to do. I can do this. I might be a little discouraged, but tomorrow is new day and I'll be ready to keep fighting.

The Locket

This week I am my first official trade conference. It's the ACNM (American College of Nurse Midwifery) conference in Nashville, TN.

Instead of staying at the ridiculously expensive hotel associated with the conference center one of my Frontier sisters had the great idea of renting a house together from VRBO.com. I don't even know how many of us there are, but it's wonderful to be with so many like minded people. As one person stated, it seems "we are cut from the same cloth."

Many of us knew each other from a private Facebook support group that one of our housemates created a few years ago as a way to cope with out distant based educational program. Currently there are over 500 members and many of us are active on a daily basis, so it's fun to actually meet each other in person. It's also fun to get up in the morning and all hang out as we have breakfast, chat, and laugh and then we pile in to cars and drive the 3.5 miles to downtown. Throughout the days we bump into each others in the hallways, sessions, or the expedition halls and it seems like everywhere I go there is a familiar and friendly face.

We take breaks together or sneak away together (currently two of us have snuck back to the house for a break). In the evening we usually hang out on the giant patio or last night we all watched a birth movie together (la premier cri). Generally other Frontier students who are staying at the hotel drive over to hang out with us too.

I miss Geoff and the kiddos and I look forward to getting home to see them/hug them, but for the most part I've been so busy that by the end of the day I'm exhausted (hence the taking a break today). Mostly I feel guilty for taking a trip only a month after I was in Kentucky for school and leaving him with the kiddos again.

I registered for the trip back in February so I would get the early bird and student discounts and had no idea that I would be back in treatment or not working for the summer. I paid my initial $25. down payment on the house even before that. Shortly after finding out that the cancer was back in March I paid the other $150. to pay for my spot in the house just in case I could go. I had serious doubts but I figured I could always give my spot to someone else, but it would still be less than having to pay for a night in the hotel (in case I could go).

Ultimately I kept planning on going, but I didn't know for sure until I had results on my PET scan from Tuesday. Then I got up Wednesday morning and took E to preschool, went home and cleaned the bunny cage and finished packing, and headed out. Five hours into the drive I picked up a friend, and another 4.5 and we finally made it to the house. I'm proud to say I drove the whole way...and I'm not so sure I care about doing the same on the way back.

The only difficult part of all of this has been feeling guilty for waving Geoff at home with the kids again. Without me working things are even tighter so neither of us have much for money and I transferred anything I didn't need for driving and basic living expenses to his account before I left. I bought one $8 t-shirt for the kids and a $10 birth log book for myself. I've gotten a ton of free stuff from the exhibitors, but I was feeling kind of sorry for myself last night as everyone else showed off their cool purchases of clothes, jewelry, books, you name it. Then we sat down to watch the movie and I hear someone say "where's Ginny?"

Next thing I know one of my school mates comes and sits next to me with something in her hand. She tells me a story about the Origami Owl locket she is wearing and how one of her patients (a laboring mother) took the time to find her and friend her on Facebook. This patient found out about her likes no used that information to make a customized locket for her as a gift. Amazing right?

Well this story inspired her to do a similar thing for me (except we were already Facebook friends). 

She included a "tree of life" charm at the back clasp that reads "life is a gift" on the other side. 

An "inspire" backplate.

A "hope" charm.

A "faith" charm.

A "love" charm.

A "family" charm.

A paw print charm.

A horse charm.

A footprint charm (to represent my babies and all the babies I will catch).

A teal gem charm (to represent fighting cervical cancer).

A "S" charm (to represent the sisterhood).

And finally a treble clef charm (to symbolize my love of music...more on this in a moment).

She individually presented and explained the significance of each charm. 

I was absolutely stunned. I'm pretty sure my shock combined with exhaustion is the only reason I didn't initially cry. Then I found out that she had it over night shipped from her home in New York to the house. We had brought a package in earlier in the day but I never looked at to see who it belonged to...

After this everyone else started to chime in with comments regarding how inspiring I am or how amazing I am. I was completely blown away and embarrassed too (but probably not as embarrassed as the person who was showering in the glass shower earlier in the evening as all of us sat on the deck on the other side of the bathroom window...with the curtains she forgot to close...we love you Sherry and I promise I didn't see a thing!!!)

I don't feel like I did anything to deserve such a special or meaningful gift/surprise. I know that if I was on the other side I would be amazed by someone fighting cancer and still trying to live out a life that includes kids, a husband, pets, graduate school, work (for most of the year), etc., but from my perspective I'm just doing what I need to. I know that sometimes my story is more interesting, but at times it just feels over told to me. I am constantly reminded of the difficult times I'm going through, but I know others have difficult times too, and I feel bad for all the energy this illness and the resulting repercussions take from me and my family. I have to remind myself that I am allowed to be mad about my situation sometimes and I really have to remind myself to be graceful.

The irony of that last statement is one of my classmates/housemates commented on how gracefully I've dealt with all of this. All I could think was you haven't seen all my sobbing fits or swearing tantrums. In reality though, I deserved those. I'm still not convinced I deserve all the other wonderful and thoughtful gifts people have bestowed on me and my family (locket included), but I am definitely appreciative. It really made my day/week/trip!

The rest of the story: the person who gave my the locket and I have been Facebook friends due to school for awhile now; even though, we have never met. We both realized that we had a mutual friend...Someone I went to junior high and high school with and then lost touch with until a few years ago. Someone I really admire and wish I lived closer to because we really seem to think alike and I'm fairly certain I would have a lot of fun with.

The same person has two children slightly younger in ages than mine. She lives in upstate NY and knows my classmate because my classmate was her labor & delivery nurse for both of her children. It is because of this person that my classmate knew about my "love for music," something I have never before mentioned here...I grew up (and occasionally still do) playing cello. I started when I was 8 years old and played all through grade school, junior high, and high school and this old friend of mine played too (I should add that she was always much better than me).

Somehow it was this extra touch that really just pushed the whole thing over the edge for me. I'm overwhelmed by the effort my classmate took to get to know my likes, much like her patient did for her, to create the perfect gift. I want to hug her every time I see her and I wish I had words to tell her how much her thoughtfulness means to me. How she and everyone else here made me feel special at a moment when I really wasn't feeling very special. Thank you sisterhood! I love all of you!!!

By the way, if you want to sneak pics at our house or are thinking about a trip to Nashville check out Chateau Getteau at http://www.vrbo.com/434271.