Anniversary

Today was a wonderfully simple day. We took our time getting moving this morning and then headed to the Madison Farmer's Market. We spend a few hours there and then all of us (as mentioned in last night's blog post we have friends visiting for the weekend) went out for Neopolitan Pizza. We came back to the house and while our friends went running, Geoff and Ella ran errands, and E and I took naps, or in my case, rested.

Everyone took their time getting moving again, but we got the kids ready for dinner just in time for our babysitter to show up and then all the adults went out for Tapas. It was lovely and exactly what we needed. Simple and low key, yet all of us are tired and ready for bed (except E...he shouldn't be, but he is still awake in his bed).

There really isn't more to say than this. There have been many times today when Geoff and I have looked at each other and said, "5 years ago right now we were..." We both smile and understand what the other is referring to. We love our wedding memories and everyone that was a part of them, but we also love all the memories that have been created since then. Thank you to all of you. It's been a crazy 5 years, but I'm ready for the next 5 years!

Highs and Lows

Today started out on a high. I woke up and checked both our checking accounts to find we had both been paid. I got a notification yesterday that I had a paystub to review which was an indication that I was going to get paid today, but I never had time to review it. I knew this should be my last paycheck and it is all the PTO time I earned while at Watertown. I was pleasantly surprised. Geoff also got paid, but there were no great surprises with his check.

I immediately started paying bills, the last few for September and a bunch for October. My check is probably already gone, but I don't care I can honestly say I had fun paying bills.

I also got to take E to preschool for the first time ever. I've picked him up before, but due to my radiation schedule I have never gotten to drop off on time (the first day I dropped him off, but we were late so I didn't get to sing a song with him and do the drop-off routine). I'm not sure he really cared that I was there, but I did.

After Ella and I dropped off E we did a bunch of errands at a frantic speed and then headed back home to take care of a few more things. Shortly after we got back home my parents arrived and then it was time to head to Madison for internal radiation round 2.

To minimize the amount of time that Geoff misses work I decided to have my dad drop me off at the hospital today while my mom was picking up E from preschool (Ella came in the car with us). My dad dropped me off at the door of the hospital and headed home and I begrudgingly headed into the hospital.

Overall everything went ok, but there were a few quirks and once again most of them are centered around my port. I have to go to a place called the "Care Initiation Unit" when I get to the hospital. They give me a room, admit me and do all my admission paperwork. Shortly thereafter someone from the transport team comes to get me and transports me on a stretcher (not sure why a wheelchair wouldn't work because I don't stay on the stretcher) to "High Dose Radiation" area. The transport person was nice, and she did her job. Unfortunately for me, this also included leaving me alone in the bowels of the hospital (or technically a building next to but attached to the hospital) on a stretcher skyhigh in a mostly empty and cold hallway.

There were people around, but they were all in rooms getting ready for my arrival. They could see me and they even looked up at me, but it took a few minutes before anyone actually acknowledged me. Then of course, they all needed to talk to me at once. I had questions myself, but many of them were lost when the anesthesia team showed up. This week there were no residents, instead I had a attending and nurse anesthetist. I was excited. I declared I wanted them to use my port. They replied (not actually directed to me) that they didn't have any needles to access it. Someone else told them they could have some sent down via the hospital tube system. This resulted in a conversation about whether or not there was a tube system to this area.

Eventually someone got the required needle. I was pleased....but then...So if you read my post on Tuesday where I included the information about having my port accessed you would have seen that the person accessing the port usually wears a mask, it is a sterile procedure, and they are supposed to use a special scrub (chlorhexidine) for no less than a minute for infection control. Well, they didn't do that. Much to my dismay one of them pulled out an alcohol wipe, wiped off my port site once or twice and then poked me with the needle. They hit the plastic part of my port so they pulled it out and tried again. Yes, you read that right. They inserted the needle, then removed it, and then reinserted it. They did it again too.

Needless to say, they never actually poked me where they were supposed to, but for some reason on the 3rd time it flushed. There was of course, no blood return, but they slapped a small tegaderm (type of dressing that really doesn't cover ports too well) on it and decided to go with it. When I woke up in recovery room I realized within a minute or so, that they must have decided that the port wasn't working for them and decided instead to put an IV in my hand once they got me to sleep (I was told by one of the anesthesia team that the port was "too sluggish"). I was not happy.

I did not spend much time in recovery once again, but I had a nurse on orientation so I was there a little longer while she caught up on her charting. Once I got back to the care initiation unit I had to hang out for awhile before they would discharge me, but mostly I just ate dinner. Geoff showed up a few minutes after me and it wasn't long before I asked if I could leave.

We called my parents and asked them if they would pick our dogs up from doggy daycare because we weren't going to make it back in time to get them by 6pm. I'm not sure exactly what time it was when we got home, but my parents were annoyed with us. I was dropped off at the hospital at 11:30ish and I told them I wasn't scheduled to really start until 12:30. I also told them it was a 3-4 hour procedure again, but I think what was heard was that we would be done by 3 or 4 pm.

My dad is leaving at some ridiculously early hour in the morning tomorrow to go hunting out in Wyoming so they wanted to get home as soon as possible. I wasn't feeling so great when we first got home and when I got harassed about taking too long today and making them stay too long I was irritated. I do not like asking or relying on others for help, even my parents. I try very hard to be a good communicator, but it seems that sometimes no matter what I say the message doesn't come across appropriately. Regardless I was fairly annoyed with my parents. I told them I did the best I could, I had no control over when I was done or got to leave the hospital, that I came home as soon as I could, and that I did not appreciate the unnecessary hassle they were creating for me. I did also apologize and tell them that next time we will consider other resources so we are not a burden to them (this has and was offered before).

Unfortunately, I am a hothead and so is my dad. My mom on the hand is a pacifist who does nothing to help the situation, so when I am angry or frustrated they immediately act like I am being ridiculous and leave. Not exactly what I needed. Really not what anyone needed, but it was their choice. It left us feeling pretty low.

Fast forward a few hours and one of my best friends from school and her husband arrived from Indianapolis for the weekend. We stayed up too late talking and I am excited to say I think it will be a great weekend, especially today...which is good because as of right now it is officially our 5th Wedding Anniversary!!! I love you, Geoff.

TMI

In honor of full disclosure, I am hoping that writing this post will somehow take more weight off my shoulders instead of socially alienating me, but here goes nothing... Prior to cervical cancer I guess I was not aware how intertwined fertility and sexuality were for me. I've mentioned in my blog before that we were planning to have another child. We have plenty of friends who have had two children and are done. They have gone ahead and made the decision that some form of more permanent sterilization is the right answer for them and I say more power to them. At the same time, I wonder how would that have worked for us?

Would the permanence of a vasectomy affected the interplay of fertility and sexuality for me, or would that have been ok because it was a decision we would have been able to make ourselves? Is that all it is, a mind game? Or are things difficult for me because I feel broken? More likely it's difficult for me to get over the fact that I have no idea who has seen parts of me each week that I don't feel like sharing or even "what" has been in those parts?

All of this is completely degrading to me. There are only two good things I can make of all of it. One, hopefully it is making my cancer go away and two, it highlights how amazing my husband really is. He may never be a neat freak, but I am blessed with someone who will support me through anything. I apologize on a daily basis for all the stress and havoc my cancer and the resulting treatments have on our household, lives, intimacy, etc. I won't lie and say there aren't times when all of it is too much for both of us, yet it never fails that when I apologize, Geoff reminds me that this is not something I am allowed to apologize for. That this isn't my fault and that he loves me no matter what. Frequently, he tells me, if anything he loves me more and I know he means it.

Talk about handling all this with grace.

He understands all that I am going through right now as much as anyone can. My losses are his losses. Radiation, particularly internal radiation,  can have long term side effects. Geoff has understood these from day one. He encourages and cheer-leads when appropriate, and keeps me from letting my imagination get the best of me

Full disclosure

When I started my blog I wanted a place to keep track of my journey and share with those around me. At the time I had no idea how many times the treatment plan would change or that I would spend 5 days of the week at UW Hospital for a couple months of my life. 

Just thinking back to the initial phone call that confirmed I had cancer stirs up complex and impossible to articulate emotions.

I wasn't sure initially how much I wanted to share on this blog because I decided it was more important to me to share overall. I never anticipated that as many people would interested in what happens or that people would follow so closely.

I know that plenty of people "drop in" and read a post here or there, but I also know that there are many that read daily. This post will be my 59th post and by the time I am done writing I will have over 6600 pageviews. I'm humbled and amazed by this number.

Initially I talked a lot about the intimacy of this whole process, but as I realized how many people were reading I became self conscious. I wasn't sure what the right balance of disclosure vs. privacy was for me. I became embarrassed.

I'm still not sure where exactly that balance lies for me, though I can honestly say that I feel that I have strayed away from disclosure and played it safe lately. I want to share the whole process with all of you. The good, the bad and the ugly.

On that note, I'll level with you. The number one side effect of external radiation is diarrhea and even though I feel like I have minimal radiation side effects, I haven't had a day in weeks that I haven't had diarrhea. I hate taking pills, but I have resigned myself to the fact that until I am done I will survive on Imodium. I also have red irritated skin but in areas that none of you will ever see. In those same areas I have lost most of my hair and I'm tired of having at 5 bulls-eye stickers on my butt and sides to supplement my 3 permanent and unwanted tattoos.

I think I've been pretty verbal about chemo and since I'm done with that I'm not going to talk much about it. Just thinking about chemo makes me sick to my stomach and I'm not sure there will ever be enough time to make me not immediately think about how horrible chemo makes me feel. I dread the idea of ever needing more and as much as I don't want to think about it, I can't let it go until I have another PET/MRI and a decision on what happens next.

I have been asked by many people for updates on Ella and breastfeeding. Overall, she did great with weaning, but she still has days where it's apparent to us what she wants and we (and by this I really mean Geoff) have a much more difficult time getting her to sleep. I am still pumping and dumping multiple times daily, though I'll be honest, with feeling crummy and trying to keep up 2 little ones it is really hard to pump and dump with as much frequency as I think I should. As of finishing chemo yesterday I have 650 hours (i.e. about 27 days) before I can recommence breastfeeding. I also need to have my milk tested in a few days here and ideally again before I restart.

The hardest part of all of this is the financial effect on all of us. We are used to our two income household. We are both used to having great benefits. If I would not have changed jobs in May and I was still employed by UW Health I would have been covered by short term or long term disability. I had disability coverage at Watertown too, but I never made it to my required 90 day mark. This kills me. I would never have guessed that I would be diagnosed with cancer during that time. The thought never even crossed my mind when I weighed all the pros and cons of leaving my safe and secure job for a new adventure.

I had no idea what this would do to us. We have had some financial help from family and many of our friends have been kind enough to send checks to help us out, but it still isn't the same. We've been ok until now, but it is really starting to hit us. Today Geoff actually had to sell some stock so we would have enough money to survive for a couple more months. It was a serious blow to our pride. We are ashamed and embarrassed that we weren't financially prepared for something like this.

Personally I hate discussing my finances with anyone. It makes me feel vulnerable even on the best of terms. I know that it opens the door for judgement and that usually means people asking "well, why don't you get rid of (fill in the blank here...number one answer is usually your horse)." I feel like I have to justify my (our) decisions and that isn't fair to me, my family, or the person I'm talking with. That being said, I will respond to the horse comment. Aggie is part of our family. I don't go to movies or live a lavish life-style and under normal circumstances she is an expense that suits us just fine. She is irreplaceable and not disposable.

It's hard because everyone would handle these circumstances in their own way. I have applied for unemployment (another embarrassing secret of mine), but I am stuck in limbo while it is determined whether or not I qualify due to my "medical issues."

The hardest part for us is not knowing what's next and how much longer all of this is going to take. It's hard for us to plan when we are forced to live one day at a time. We are trying to minimize spending, but we also try to keep things as normal for our kids as possible. We have cut out things like Little Gym, but we have kept them both in swimming since they love it and it's only $100. for both of them through winter break. E's preschool is a lot less expensive than daycare, yet much more stimulating and he likes it better. Both kids still go to daycare once a week, but that was so we could have some consistency on chemo days (now internal radiation days). Ella goes an additional day because we had taken a flex plan to cover daycare and we decided that an additional day for me to rest would be a good idea. It's hard though because we are constantly are reevaluating and second guessing ourselves.

Cancer sucks! but so does all the rest of what cancer brings. We try so hard to minimize stress in our household because none of us have the energy to deal with it right now. At the same time, it is impossible task. There is so much stress that dealing with cancer has brought to our lives. Most of it, things we would never have expected.

C is for chickens and chemo

 After chemo today we stopped at daycare to pick up the kids and then made a quick stop at the barn (it was on the way home). The chickens (not chicks) have arrived. Other than admiring them and E supposedly scaring away raccoons, they really have no bearing on our lives. Regardless we thought they were pretty fun so I took a few pics as promised.

You will note that in the background there is a cat. Actually, two of the barn cats were hovering, but you can't see both in this picture. The chickens did not seem too stressed by the presence of Rocky and Vinnie (the cats). I'm sure they were probably more pleased with the cuteness of their coop and the fact that it really matches the barn.

So you probably don't care that much about the chickens, the coop, or the cats...I guess the more important news of the day is I am done with chemo!

Overall everything went well today. I feel better tonight than I have the last few weeks, but still really tired and run down.

We dropped the kids off at daycare this morning on the way to the hospital. Geoff put both kids in the car, but thought I had put E's shoes on. When we got to daycare E had no shoes and we both realized immediately what we had done. Fortunately we had a spare set of shoes at daycare that were a little tight, but E was a good sport.

Once we got to the hospital and pulled into the valet service there was an elderly couple having obvious technical difficulties with one of their matching scooters. She was on oxygen and obviously having a difficult time breathing. We stopped to help them. She was fairly cantankerous though and didn't want to sit down. Eventually she did and they were able to get the other scooter working and into the hospital.

Then we headed to the cancer clinic lab to have my weekly lab draws and my port accessed. Once again there was drama with my port and getting blood return. It was positional so I had to contort myself to get my lab draws, but eventually it worked.

So, we were late to radiation. I think we were actually a whole hour late, but they didn't care. Then we met with my radiation oncologist and her resident (I like this one). Our appointment was brief since I have internal radiation on Friday again and none of us see any reason why I need multiple exams in one week.

Finally, we headed up to chemo. I took Benadryl before chemo again and was asleep long before the chemo started. I did however, manage to play (and win...though the second game I may have pushed the rules a little...aka chemo rules) 2 rounds of a board game with Geoff before falling asleep. The combination of a late start and needing some IV Magnesium to bring my serum (blood) levels back to an appropriate level made chemo take just a little longer than normal, but I really didn't care because now I am done!

More pics below of my port being accessed (disclaimer to you non-medical, squeamish types: there is a pic of a needle and there is some blood in one pic)

Before...as they start to set up.

A sterile drape is added over my shirt.

The site is scrubbed vigorously for at least a minute.

The needle being put in.

Blood return.

The visit

Other than getting up early for radiation, today was a wonderful day.

After radiation I saw a few of my favorite people at the hospital and was the benefactor of many hugs and a wonderful conversation. Then it was off to meet up Geoff and do our kiddo exchange. We decided to meet at the stable. E always loves exchanges at the stable because it is usually about the time that stalls are being cleaned and he gets to drive (help really) the tractor. While he does his thing Ella and I give Aggie treats. E also engaged in a discussion about the chickens that are coming soon (today?) and his role in keeping them safe from raccoons. We'll see how that goes.

I'll have to post pics of the chicks when we see them. The cutest chicken coop ever has already arrived for them to live in. It matches our barn and already has mum plants in the little flower boxes. It is really too cute.

After we finally left the barn we headed home. Geoff gets the kids pseudo ready in the morning, but this morning Ella was dressed but didn't have shoes. E had shoes, but was still in his pjs. Both needed their hair combed, teeth brushed, etc. For the record, I'm not complaining. Geoff does an amazing job and this is just how we work. I ran around and got the kids breakfast and took care of a few other things.

Ella in her new Minnie Mouse hat.

At about lunchtime I was blessed with a visit from my aunt and cousin from Chicago. They called last night to see if today would work for us. I don't know when the last time I got to see either of them was so it was pretty exciting. In my family being a baby hog is a genetic trait that we all possess, but the aunt and cousin coming to visit are two of the worst baby hogs. I know Ella isn't really a "baby" anymore, but small children still count as babies unless there is someone smaller around so E and Ella were in their element. First they were spoiled with gifts, and then attention. We went out for a long lunch and Geoff was even able to join us for a bit. By the time we were done both kids were exhausted.

The visit was too short, but it was decided that my aunt and cousin would head back to Chicago after our lunch so I could try to get a nap in too. Ella was passed out cold by the time we got home and E passed out within 5 minutes so I slept the most of the afternoon. My nausea snuck up on me a little before lunch as I was driving, but the rest of the day it was almost non-existent so I took advantage of the day and had chocolate chip pancakes for lunch and a mostly CSA BLT for dinner.

E in his new Spiderman shirt...strangling Ella and me looking like a maniac.

I couldn't have asked for a better day. Mondays are usually my best day of the week, but they are also usually overshadowed by the anticipation of chemo the next day. Today I barely even thought about chemo. I love that I didn't waste today thinking about what a crummy day I might have tomorrow. Even now as I do consider it, I should be almost done with my last dose of chemo in 12 hours. Usually the worst of the chemo after effects are done by midnight Tuesday so in 24 hours I should be through the worst. This is exciting.

It is amazing to me that I am almost done. I still have a few weeks left of external beam radiation and 4 treatments of internal radiation. The last day of it all is Tuesday October 9th, two weeks from tomorrow. Then I'll have another PET and MRI and we'll see where everything goes, but it feels pretty good to think I am almost done with chemo-radiation!

Little things

There are so many little thoughts on my mind tonight as I try to think about what to write.

Things like how I want to make sure that all of you that have send cards, gift cards, made meals, or helped in any other way know that I will eventually catch up and get thank yous to all of you (no matter what). I wish I was more on top of things, but I am going to use the I have cancer and little kids and I'm tired all the time excuse here.

Another random thought. Everything tastes funny. Everything. I think it is part of the reason for the nausea sometimes. I think something sounds good so I get excited about eating only to realize that whatever it is doesn't taste at all like I think it should. I'll point out the obvious and state, it sucks.

Or this morning in church I was focused on keeping Ella from making too much noise (she thinks she is singing) when all of sudden I realized the sermon was about cancer. Then it was about a young mom with cancer. A young mom who had to stop breastfeeding her 11 month old because of cancer. I wasn't sure what to do. I considered taking a breather and going out to the lobby, but then I realized that other than our pastors and one other family I'm not sure anyone at church knows enough to put it together. It not that it is a secret. It never has been for me, but I just was surprised. I wasn't expecting my 5 minutes of fame to be the church sermon.

Another thought, I went riding tonight after the kids' swimming lessons. My riding buddy and I planned to ride the trails around our barn, but we didn't make it far when our horses were spooked. She did an "emergency dismount" and did not land on her feet. I was focused on keeping Aggie from throwing me but I looked back at one point and it looked like she was getting trampled. She swears she wasn't and that she is fine, but the whole situation was pretty dramatic.

I think that pretty much covers most of what I'm thinking about and I'll work on being more cohesive tomorrow night.

Internal Radiation

So my first internal radiation on Friday went fine. Initially there was a lot of drama about using my port. The anesthesia resident tried to convince me that it was just easier to put in an IV because the anesthesia department doesn't like to be responsible for "infections and such." I refused to back down so he went to check with his attending who acted like it was no problem at all. Turns out the resident has never accessed a port so it was a good learning experience for him in the end.

The anesthesiologist (the attending) was hilarious. I think his personality set both Geoff and I at ease. Once everything was set I was transported to the radiation department. Geoff stayed with me almost until my first dose of Versed. After that I don't remember anything. Apparently, I started to wake up during my MRI and the anesthesiologists had to run in quick and give me some propofol, but I don't remember it. The first recollection I have is my anesthesiologist talking to me on the way to recovery. I really didn't want to wake up, but once I realized where I was and what was going on I got with the program.

I'm not sure how long I was in recovery, maybe 20 minutes? Long enough for me to discontinue my foley catheter (appropriately...I told them I would prefer to do it myself). I had some Zofran and then I was sent back to the cath lab. If you are wondering cath lab? Why the cath lab? Well, that is where UW has people having procedures such as this start out and end, but as of next week all that changes to the "care initiation unit."

I'll be honest, it was kind of fun that I was in the cath lab because 1. I'm comfortable there  and 2. I know people there. At the same time there seemed to be a lot of confusion. First it was about who was going to de-access my port, nursing or anesthesiology. Then, there was confusion about food. Originally Geoff and I were both told I had to eat something before I left, but I never did. There was also confusion about pain meds and discharge instructions. Finally, my doctor was paged and we were told to go back down to radiation oncology on our way out to see her because she couldn't leave the department at that time.

I was doing ok, but this is a significant walk and I was not exactly amused. I just wanted to go home. I didn't really need pain meds, but I needed to know what I could take when I got home. If I could have Ibuprofen or not. Mostly I just wanted some food and to go home. The big plus was for the first time in about a week I wasn't nauseated. Thanks to the IV Zofran (anti-nausea medication) given before and after the procedure my nausea had been taken care of for the time being.

So Geoff and I went to radiation oncology and saw my MD for a few minutes. She came out to the waiting room and got me herself. She pulled us back into an exam room and I asked her what I needed to ask and she looked like a little kid on christmas and asked me "You aren't going to ask how it went? or how everything looked?" It is important to note that was already drawing a picture so I had assumed she was going to tell us. She was very excited to tell us that once again it had shrunk significantly and that she expects it to shrink again by next week. She was really excited and of course we were too.

Then we left. Before we were even out of the hospital parking lot I called and ordered a pizza for take-out. We stopped to pick it up on our way home and I gleefully ate as we drove. It was so nice to be able to eat for a change. My plan was to eat the pizza on the way home so that when we got home and everyone else (Geoff, the kiddos and my parents) was eating pizza I would get first dips on dessert (homemade apple pie, homemade apple bread, and mini cherry cheesecakes). I had some of each!

Over 24 hours and fortunately my nausea hasn't returned yet,. On the other hand, I have a stomach bug or effects of radiation and I've been sick to my stomach since last night. I have to be careful what I eat and I'm trying really hard to stay hydrated. Mostly, I'm just really tired. I did get up and go with Geoff and the kids to the apple orchard again quick to get some Golden Delicious Apples, but it wasn't as fun for me as last weekend. Once we got home it was naptime so I crawled back into bed and I've been taking it easy since. I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll have a little more energy, but for the time being I'm thankful for the lack of nausea. Little victories, I guess.

Distraction

Tonight Geoff and I went out to a movie premiere for "Freedom for Birth." It's a movie about birth and human rights, and was put on by the WI guild of midwives. In other words we spent the evening with some of my favorite people...midwife and doula and birth world friends...Almost everyone from Ella's birth was there, including the nurse that took care of us when we were transferred to the hospital and there wasn't enough time to talk with everyone. It was a great distraction to the doom of tomorrow.

One of the big bummers of tomorrow is I won't get to pick E up from preschool. I told him Grandma will pick him up and he asked her if she was going to bike to pick him up. Ok, actually he was trying to insist on it. I'm embarrassed by how hard it is for me to bike home after picking him up. I go so slow and I am so tired by the time I get home, but at the same I am so proud of myself. Chemo and radiation and I can still bike to get my kid.

Today I got to preschool a few minutes early so I could walk the long hallway to his classroom and admire the makeshift kiddo art gallery. I love looking for the latest and greatest of his work to be displayed. Here is what I found:

There were even more pictures in his classroom, but at the risk of being trampled by a bunch of 3 year olds, their parents and some siblings I decided I did not need to take pics of those at this time.

Radiation pics

Last night was another miserable post-chemo Tuesday night so I took the night off.

Yesterday morning I was dreading chemo so much that we got to the hospital later than we probably should have, since I have to have labs drawn before radiation. Since we were already pushing things close it only makes sense that when I went to have my port accessed and labs drawn that my port would be occluded. The lab staff each took multiple turns flushing my port with saline and heparin and having me contort my upper body like a cirque du soleil performer. My port would flush, but there was no blood return, not even a drop.

Since phlebotomy (lab) staff can't administer Alteplase (the medication used to break down clots) I was given a pink slip, literally, and sent directly to chemo. At the chemo check in desk I gave them my pink slip and then we got the fast track (so only like a 10-15 minute wait) to chemo. My nurse administered the Alteplase and then sent us off to radiation.

I did my usual weekly radiation films and then daily radiation treatment. We had a very brief visit with my radiation oncologist, but since I start internal radiation on Friday most of my visit was deferred to our quality time on Friday. As soon as we were done we headed back up to chemo.

Since I've been having such a hard time with the chemo we had agreed on premedication with benadryl. I guess I should have clarified how much, but I decided I really didn't care. I'm the kind of person who can get knocked out cold for 12 hours off of 12.5 mg of benadryl (1/2 a normal dose). My oncologist wrote for me to have 50 mg. I figured why not.

It took about a half hour to kick in, so Geoff and I got one round of a board game in and then I was out cold. Geoff needed to run into work for something and I vaguely remember him leaving and him coming back, but other than that I slept until the last 20 minutes of chemo. When I did wake up the only reason I woke up was because I had to go to the bathroom so bad (2.5 liters of fluid will do that to you).

Afterwards we went home and I staggered the rest of my anti-nausea meds with tylenol for the rest of the night and slept as much as possible. I still had the high temps and chills and overall aches, but I was so drugged out this time that I could actually sleep through most of it instead of laying in misery and wishing I could sleep. I think E came in and gave me a goodnight kiss, but otherwise I didn't really wake up from my stupor until about midnight. Even then I only got up for a few minutes, brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom, talked to Geoff, and then went right back to sleep.

Eric one of the radiation techs setting up my belly board.

I have included a few pics that Geoff took of the radiation room/machine yesterday. Geoff has been curious what it all looks like and the techs were more than willing to let Geoff have a tour so he took a few pics to share with all of you. (note the color changing ceiling-guess that isn't reflected in these pics...oh well)

The Linux machine.

Me laying on my belly board ready for treatment.

Anticipation

So I think radiation is finally catching up with me. I am exhausted. Luckily for me, Ella is teething molars and at the point where she is napping as much as possible. She took two long naps today. One of which coincided with E's naptime. This allowed me a good two and half hour nap myself and yet, I was still exhausted when I got up.

All of this is awfully inconvenient since it is technically finals week for me. I have already conceded to one incomplete, but I'm thinking the smartest choice is going to be to take another. My third class I will have done this week. I've already asked to take the last test by Thursday, giving myself some extra time to recover from chemo tomorrow.

I can't verbalize how much I am dreading chemo tomorrow or internal radiation this Friday. I guess either sounds about as much fun as stabbing myself in the leg. I already have an idea of the misery tomorrow night will bring and there is absolutely no way that anyone could look forward to that. As far as Friday, I am not a big fan of drugs, esp. anesthesia, so there is no way that being knocked out for 3 hours sounds like a good time to me. I'm just hoping that the anticipation is the worst part.

Robot

 This morning both kids decided to sleep in and although Geoff and I were tempted to go back to sleep ourselves, we decided to get up and get ready for church. Our reasoning was:

1. If we opted to go back to sleep, then just as it was too late to get ready for church but probably only 20 minutes later than the current time, the kids would have woken up anyway.
2. I had reminded E of Sunday school and church before bed and I knew he would remember and question me.
3. See reason number 1.

The thing is Geoff and I consider ourselves to be spiritual, but not overly religious. We don't mind going to church, but for us it really isn't a necessity. Sleep on the other hand is. Regardless we got ourselves up and ready and then dragged our still sleeping children out of their beds, changed them from pjs to clothes and put them in the car half asleep. Geoff made up juice cups and snack cups of cereal to get them through church (note: this is common practice and completely acceptable in the "family church" service at our church).

After church we took E down the hall to his Sunday school room and then promptly dropped Ella off in the nursery. Again, the high school girl in the nursery was really excited to see Ella so off Geoff and I went to coffee hour. We did play games and generally enjoyed ourselves. We also saw one of our favorite people from our vet clinic and I talked to her for a few minutes.

When Sunday school was over I was still talking so Geoff went and retrieved both kids. E was really excited to show his artwork. "Look I made a boat!" We ooohed and aahhed appropriately over his boat and his finger painting. Then we asked him what else they learned in Sunday school.

E:"Robots!"

Me: "You learned about robots?"

Geoff: "Well, did you look at his fingerpainting?...They may have. (said with a sarcastic grin)

E: "Yup. Row Row Row your bot!"

Real radiation

Today was a storybook beautiful fall day.

If you haven't already seen Facebook we went to our favorite apple orchard with my mom and a good time was had by all.

As we sat in the upper orchard by one of the sheep paddocks (the owners of the orchard also have a herd of Black Welsh Sheep for wool/meat/fun) watching E try to pull Ella in a wagon, I closed my eyes, sprawled out in the leaves, and soaked up the sun. The squeals of my kids faded out of my reality for a few brief moments as I allowed myself to wish all radiation treatments were like this.


 Once we got down to actual apple picking, it was apparent that E remembered last year when we went with Geoff's parents. I don't think any of us would have expected that he would remember that a year ago we let him stand on the shoulders of Geoff, or Granny (Geoff's mom), and pick apples. E was convinced that this would once again be the best method again to get all the high up apples that everyone else can't reach, so we carefully let him try to climb up on Geoff's shoulders. I'll spoil the suspense and tell you we did not have a 10 foot+ tower advantage to get the highest apples because we instead learned that E has gained some common sense. I am pleased to say that for once our little climbing monkey didn't like being so high up and wanted to be put back down.

Both kids were double fisting apples and it took all of us adults to keep Ella from taking more. I don't think I've ever just handed her an apple before so it was pretty fun to watch her crunch away.

It was definitely a day that didn't center around cancer and I am willing to bet that no one that we crossed paths with today would have ever guessed that I have cancer. I'm secretly hoping we go back to the orchard tomorrow!

Skipped

I skipped last night. It wasn't planned that way, but I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and it actually occurred to me that I could get up and write a blog post, but I decided that what I really wanted to do was sleep. I'm guessing my decision didn't impact anyone too negatively.

Today has been my best day this week. My nausea has been almost non-existent. My appetite still isn't there, but I'm fine with that. I needed to lose weight anyway.

The exciting news of my day is....after a month + of no paychecks, I got paid today. Thank you to whomever donated PTO time to me. My appreciation extends beyond my vocabulary. It felt different from other kinds of "help" because it was in the form of a paycheck. Taxes and SS and everything else were all deducted which helped create the illusion that it was real. Somehow it gave me satisfaction like I had accomplished something.

There are times when all of this makes me feel like a real bum. Like a week or two ago. I was telling Geoff, maybe I should try to go back to work. If I could just figure out how to work around my radiation schedule, I could probably handle it. It was true, but then I have a week like this week and I think how would that work?

It's not like I have a desk job...So instead I buckled down and did homework. One way or another I will be functional. 

Tired

Monday, Wednesday and Fridays the kiddos are both home with me. I usually love these days, but today was a challenge. I was still exhausted from yesterday and I never really got my nausea under control.

Ella woke up before I left for radiation and she wasn't exactly cheerful. According to Geoff, E didn't want to get up this morning. Their moods improved, but not greatly. So we just took it easy today and we got through it. Everyone took naps (including me) and the greatest part of the day was the two of them playing duplos together for nearly an hour with no fighting while we waited for Geoff to get home from work.

I did talk with my radiation oncologist's resident (a new one) and they are suspicious that my post chemo misery is a reaction, so next week we are going to try premedicating with benedryl and increased steroids. I'm not exactly enthusiastic about this, but I am hopeful. I just keep telling myself only two more times.

Right now though, I am exhausted and I am going to sleep.

Repeat

This is going to be very short. This evening was a repeat of last Tuesday. High temps, throwing up, and general misery. I'm guessing it really wasn't a virus last week either, but instead some sort of reaction to the chemo. I'll plan to talk with my radiation oncologist tomorrow and see what she has to say.

Today marked chemo treatment 4/6 so I'm 2/3 done. More importantly...every week they have to do films to potentially make adjustments for my radiation. This morning they had to make A LOT of adjustments. The radiation techs were tight lipped but I knew what it meant. After radiation I had my weekly appointment with my radiation oncologist and she confirmed what I suspected. My mass has drastically shrunk. As in, it had shrunk as of last week, but this week alone it shrunk in half.

Cancer Club

The first time I had labs drawn at the cancer center I could see the people in the waiting room eyeing me up. I sat in my corner with my iPad and waited. A women came and sat right next to me and tried to initiate a conversation. It wasn't that I was trying to be antisocial, I just wasn't sure I was ready to be a part of the "cancer club." I politely responded to her questions and next thing I knew I was hearing how she has had bone marrow transplants, was never supposed to live, and has been coming to the cancer center for I don't know how many years.

I know that I had a deer in headlights look in my eyes as I realized that I would have to keep coming to the cancer center for follow-up care even after my treatments were done (I don't know why this hadn't occurred to me before). As my stomach sank, the woman kept chattering away and a few other people in the waiting room chimed in. Then the moment I had been trying to avoid happened...They wanted to know what kind of cancer I had and if I was new. They made sure to let me know that I looked new.

From that point on I have been even more careful about where I sit and how I act. Geoff laughs because the chemotherapy waiting room has to be the chattiest and friendliest waiting room in the hospital. I agree with him, but I prefer the radiation waiting room. It's not really a waiting room, it's more of a waiting area. It's small and intimate and I usually know the people waiting with me (though I rarely spend more than a minute waiting).

I have talked before about joining Gilda's Club (a cancer clubhouse/support network for the whole family). I still haven't called because I just don't know if how much "cancer club" I want to deal with. I worry as I write this that it sounds like I have a bad attitude and maybe I do. I don't think I do, but maybe I'm not being realistic with myself. Eventually I will join Gilda's Club, just not now. Right now I feel like I have to live with enough cancer, I don't need it to be my social network and entertainment too. It already defines me more than I want it to.

It's odd, because I get told on a daily basis that I don't look like a cancer patient. I mentioned this to one of my good friends this weekend and my friend laughed and said that it would really bad if I did. He's right. If I went from looking normal and healthy to looking like a cancer patient in three weeks that would be really bad, yet with the amount of comments I get, I feel guilty. Sometimes I I feel like I should apologize because I'm rocking chemo-radiation.

I have plenty of bad days and I am definitely not myself. I don't like how I feel. I take over 10 supplements a day and I feel like I'm geriatric as I swallow down my wad of pills each morning and night. I've complained before about how much I despise chemo and I don't exactly love radiation.

At the same time, I see that everyone else that comes to radiation comes with someone. I get up early drive myself into Madison, drop my car off with the valet and zip down to the radiation treatment area in the basement. I usually talk with the radiation staff about my kids or their kids and I zip back out. I wave to other people I know, hug them if they are having a bad day, but then I'm off and on my way so I can trade off kids with Geoff so he can get to work.

The most bittersweet part of the whole experience for me is waiting for my car each morning. As I wait for the hospital valet to bring my car around I watch the hospital night shift crew walk from the hospital to the parking ramp. These are my people. I worked with them for four and half years. I always see someone I know. I rarely wait for my car by myself. I almost always get hugs and words of encouragement. It's absolutely wonderful and yet, I wish I was on the other side. I wish I was tired and grumpy and walking out of work. I try not to be, but it's hard to not be envious. I'm a nurse. I don't want to be a patient.

I always knew I had great co-workers, but these people have adopted taking care of me and my family. I actually had to ask for a left-over night so that we could catch up on some on the food in our fridge. They are willing to do anything to help us and I'm overwhelmed by their dedication to "nursing" us back to health.

Last Friday as I got into the elevator to leave after radiation an older man asked me if I was a patient or if I worked at the hospital. I hesitated. I knew how I wanted to answer, but I replied "I'm a patient." His response "it sucks doesn't it?" Of course it does, but at the same time I realize how lucky I am. I understand how he feels, but I don't relate. I don't fit in with the other cancer patients. I don't want to fit in with the other cancer patients. While cancer defines me more than I want it to right now, I'm doing everything I can to make this just another bump in the road.

Sunday School

Today was E's first day of Sunday school ever. Our church does a 30 minute "family express" service directly before 30 minutes of Sunday school. This worked out perfectly for his attention span.

E sat like a little angel through church. He wasn't so sure about Sunday school so I stayed with him for a few minutes, but he quickly decided that it was ok. In the time I was there they gave him a snack, talked about painting and a treasure chest so I was pretty sure this arrangement was going to work out well by E's standards.

Geoff stayed outside the Sunday school room with Ella who walked him down the hall towards our church nursery. Eventually after I had left E's room we let her go in and the high school girls were more than welcoming. In other words, it seems that our Sunday mornings will now consist of a 1/2 hour of church and then a half hour of kid free time at church. I wonder if they would mind if used that time to take naps on the pews?

After church I spent most of the day working on homework. Overall I'm doing just fine, but I have a big paper that I'm behind on. In order to do the paper I need to do surveys of consumers, other nurses, MDs, and an administrator. Since all of it is supposed to be a market research analysis, all of the people surveyed need to be in WI. I made up a separate blog with appropriate information related to my surveys and made up all the surveys. Unfortunately I still need to make a few adjustments to one of my surveys, but hopefully all of it will be up by tomorrow. Then my job will be hassling everyone I know in WI to take my surveys asap so I can catch up as much as possible.

Projects like this are hard because my heart just isn't into them right now. I appreciate the value of the project and I even look forward to seeing the results, but I'm tired and I just want to sleep. At the same time, I am thoroughly appreciative that I am able to still manage school while I deal with my treatments.

I don't know what I would do without school. I need something other than cancer to focus on. People ask me on a daily basis if I am still doing school and I guess I don't see any other option. It would be different if my classes weren't online and I had to work that into the mix of my treatment schedule, but since I don't, it works.

In other news, today was another really good day. It seems that once I decided to take my anti-nausea meds on a schedule, everything became much easier. I'm only taking them a few times a day, but it is working for now and I feel like I can function pretty well. I hope this continues for the next few weeks. I hate missing out on weekends and quality time with my family.

Since I was feeling so well, I decided to take a break from my homework and go to the stable for a bit tonight. It was the first time I have ridden since I started chemo-radiation and it was wonderful.

Pretend we have helmets on...

Neighborhood movie night

Every year our neighbors put on an outdoor movie night. The have a big screen they set up and we all camp out in their backyard and watch a kid movie. The night usually starts with a neighborhood potluck/grill out and sometimes even a game of kickball.

It is pretty awesome!

This year movie night was supposed to be last night; however, due to rain it was rescheduled to tonight. There was no kickball, but everyone still got together to eat. The kids played games, jumped on the trampoline and honestly, I don't even know what else.

E and Ella are the youngest kids in the neighborhood and are mothered and spoiled excessively by the older kids. Before we are even across the street the older kids appear to great them and usually that is the last I see of E for awhile. Not to worry though, because the older kids also keep me up to date on all his movements. Our favorite babysitter also always attends movie night and she graciously volunteers to entertain Ella Bean. It is one of my favorite nights of the year!

E sitting on his pillow with the big kids

I slept all afternoon and took my nausea meds religiously today with hopes that I would be able to attend movie night. Since it is Saturday I really didn't expect that I would make it through the whole thing, but I wanted a piece of the action. I woke up at 6pm, looked at my alarm clock, and went flying into the shower. Geoff was working on making up our dinner (we decided to forgo grilling out for left-overs...) so I grabbed the kiddos and headed across the street.

I hung out with the adults and talked. Then it started to sprinkle. Everyone made a mad dash to move movie night into the garage (we have done this before).

My picture to the right doesn't give any idea how many kids or adults really were packed into the garage or the huge spread of food...cupcakes, salad, etc.

Approximately 2 minutes into the previews Ella decided she was done with movie night, so she and I headed back home. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I got to socialize and have a little fun. Geoff and E stayed and watched Rio, which I heard from E was really good.

Ella Bean-approximately 30 seconds before being done

All in all, movie night worked out for everyone. Ella and I went home and hung out. Geoff and E got a break. The neighborhood managed to prevail over the weather and I managed to prevail over a chemo Saturday. Oh and as I right this, Geoff ran out to get me ice cream. Definitely, a win for me!

Friday Night Fun

Tonight we were taken out to eat by friends. Going out never even occurred to me, yet as soon as it was offered I realized how badly I wanted out of the house for something other than treatment or errands.

We went to Springer's, a Stoughton favorite. Our table was next to one of the big windows overlooking the lake. We ate, watched the sun set, talked, laughed and it was glorious.
 
It was the perfect way to celebrate the end of week 3 of 6 of external radiation and chemo!

Preschool

Today was a great day...a really great day.

This morning started out as a mad dash to get to radiation and back home as fast as possible because it was E's first day of preschool. My radiation was scheduled for 7:30 this morning and E was supposed to be at preschool at 8:20. I did the best that I could, but we were about 15 minutes late. Preschool was very understanding, but I think next time (tomorrow) Geoff will do the drop off.

Technically E is supposed to be completely potty trained for preschool, but his teacher called Monday and said to bring him anyway. E was a champ about it all and it was so excited about school. They said he was a very good listener and follows directions really well.

Ella went to daycare today like usual (she usually goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays) so I had a little time to myself this morning to get a few things done. Then at about 10:30 I started a mad dash to get everything ready so I could bike to pick E up.

Preschool probably isn't even a mile from our house so it really isn't any huge accomplishment, but I'm so tired right now I felt like it was. I had always planned on biking or walking to and from preschool so I was determined to make this work. The attachments for our bike trailer were on one of Geoff's bikes so I had to get his bike down and put the attachments on my bike, put air in all the tires and go.

The way there was easy. It is a very gradual downhill. I picked him up and he was excited that he was going to get to bike home with me. I won't lie there may have been some choice words aimed at cancer mumbled under my breath on the way home. I did it though and I am proud of myself!

To me this was a particularly special accomplishment today because one of the people I usually see in radiation every morning has been really sick for the last couple days. He started his treatments two days after me and he and his wife looked unusually miserable this morning. I found out from talking with them that he been hospitalized the last few days and is having a really hard time with radiation. Biking as short as it may be seemed like a huge accomplishment in comparison and it really made me happy that I am able to take such baby steps.

After we got home I spent the rest of the day being blessed with phone calls and visits from friends and my pastor. It was a wonderful day and I feel so loved ....and well fed! By the way, E and Ella thank you for the introduction to Cool Whip!

Upswing

As Geoff said in his post from last night, radiation and chemo went pretty well yesterday. I had my weekly appointment with my radiation oncologist and she feels that my mass is definitely shrinking. Yay!!!! Yesterday also marked the halfway point with chemo, so yay for that too. I won't lie, I HATE chemo. I'm not a fan of radiation either, but the effects of chemo are much more noticeable for me.

I felt ok through all the treatments yesterday and even on the way home. Normally we go home and I sleep for a bit before we pick the kids up from daycare, but I had an urge to pick them up early so we did. By the time we got home I was feeling kind of clammy and decided I wanted to soak in the tub for a bit. That evolved into taking a zofran for nausea and then deciding maybe I needed a quick nap.

The nap led to me asking for heat packs and ibuprofen (it was what was close by) for aches and pains. I should have just started with Tylenol because it wasn't long before I started running fevers in the 101-102 F range. I broke down and took half a Lorazepam for nausea with hopes that it would knock me out. It helped but I was still restless and miserable.

I couldn't decide if I was really going to throw up. I dry heaved a few times but never actually threw up. I couldn't stay warm and I was sweaty and drenched most of the time. I couldn't stand eating or drinking anything. I had lunch and a little homemade apple-pear-peach sauce late last night but that was it. I really was miserable.

On Tuesdays before I go to radiation I stop at lab and have my port accessed and my blood drawn. This allows lab to process everything while I go to radiation and my MD appointment. By the time I get to chemo they know which electrolytes I need supplemented and what my blood counts are. I know from my lab numbers yesterday that overall everything looks pretty good. The big concerns are my neutrophils (a type of white blood cell that helps fight off infections) and my platelets (another type of blood cell important for clotting function). My neutrophils were fine yesterday and my platelets were low, but not critically low.

Since I knew my blood counts were ok and I didn't have the symptoms of a drug reaction, I figured my misery wasn't directly related to the chemo. I considered food poisoning but that didn't make sense with all the fevers. Overall though, I was feeling crummy enough that I just didn't care. I just wanted to sleep, so I opted to see my radiation oncologist in the morning when I went in for my usual treatment, and continue sleeping it off.

By morning I still felt pretty crummy. My first temp of the morning was 101.2, but overall I was feeling a little better. Geoff took the morning off of work to go in with me and my parents came to hang out with the kiddos. I did see my radiation oncologist this morning and her suspicion was virus. Just to be sure though she had me have a chest xray and urine analysis to rule out any chance of pneumonia or bladder infection. She called me a couple hours after I got home to let me know that both were ruled out.

She and I got off to a rocky start initially, but we have really grown to adore her. She has an amazing memory and is really good at what she does. She made sure to state that if I don't feel better by tomorrow or Friday she wants to see me again. She also reiterated that if I continue to have trouble getting fluids in or I start to feel dehydrated to let her know so they can run some IV fluids in. She always makes sure to tell me to just let the radiation staff know if I need to see her.

It was noon by the time we got home. I had some soup, visited with a former co-worker who brought an amazing selection of appetizing goods, and then went back to sleep. I slept for a good portion of the afternoon and officially feel like a bum. My big accomplishment of the day was to make it out to the farm with Geoff this evening to pick up our CSA share. I did this mostly so I could see the goats and get flowers (our CSA has a "u pick" flower garden). In the evening I chatted on the phone with a few of my besties, played with my kids and then back to bed. I really do think I'm on the upswing, and I'm hoping that tomorrow and Friday bring a couple good days before the weekend hits.

Mid-Season Awards

Geoff again, keeping it short and sweet tonight.

Good news: today marks the halfway point for chemo! Three down and three to go! It really is amazing how quickly this is going. This is the first time I have gone with Gin to radiation, and EVERYONE seems to know her, and there were lots of "Hi Ginny"s from people in the hallway. This really isn't surprising since she is there everyday, but it is still interesting to see how she has become a regular, when it still sort of seems like we just got started with treatment.

Bad news: Chemo did a number on her today (which is why I am writing again tonight). She was more or less normal until we got home, at which time she immediately went to bed and hasn't really gotten up since. She is really sore (like achy everywhere sore), really tired, and nauseous. Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

C is for Confusing

Hi, this is Geoff again. Gin is tired again tonight, so I am back on blog duty.

Gin has eluded to this in a few of her posts, but for those of you who haven't seen her lately, she looks good. Like, really good. Like, what cancer are you talking about good. For the most part, this is awesome. It should be entirely awesome, but there is some weirdness caused by our perception that people question how sick Gin is. Since tomorrow is the half-way point with chemo, this is probably as good a time as any to let you know how Gin is doing, or at least how I think she is doing as a completely non-neutral observer.

1. She's tired. To me this is easily the biggest difference. Most of you probably know this already about Gin, but she doesn't really turn off or do relaxing all that well, so being tired and having to take it easy have been difficult at times. It seems to me in the past week that she has accepted this, and has done a better job than she usually does of prioritizing rest.
2. She hurts. This isn't as bad as I thought it might be, but she is definitely feeling affects from the treatment. My wife is a huge lightweight when it comes to meds, so in order to retain some cognitive ability to get things done (see: importance of accomplishing tasks from #1 above), she usually doesn't take meds, and if she does, it is usually not much. Anyway, she is taking some meds to deal with her discomfort. I know this probably sounds like no big deal, but you really need to understand how unusual it is for her to take meds.
3. She has really good days. As in, feels like she did before cancer good days, and the best part is, these are not uncommon. I would say right now, it is about 50/50. You can bet that weekends are going to be bad, and Tues, Wed, Thurs are going to be pretty good. However, take all this with a grain of salt, because...
4. She is still working it all out. Last week, Monday was fine - on of the really good days. Today, it was not. Last week, Friday was when the bad weekend started. This week, it really didn't get bad until Saturday morning.
5. She is eating well. We have talked about it, and I am not sure if it is due to munchies from the steroids, or all the good food we have received, but she is eating. This is really good, because she needs to eat to keep her energy up to keep fighting the nasty cancer stuff.
6. (speaking of food) She (and I) are amazed at the help and support we have received. We can never thank you all enough. 

Anyway, tomorrow is halfway through chemo. It is amazing how quickly it is going. Thanks as always for the support!

C is for Crazy Cat Lady

Today was another not so great day that I would prefer to forget. As a family we holed up and stayed home which inevitably means we spend quality time with our zoo.

It's funny because I feel like the dogs and cats have been hovering me even more since all of this has happened. I'd like to think it is some sort of a sixth sense about cancer, but really I think it's more of a sixth sense about likelihood of napping in our bed with a warm body. At one point this afternoon I woke up from a nap and realized I was sleeping with one very large dog and a multiple cats (I'd prefer to not say how many). The cats in question don't always get along with each other and they definitely don't always like the dog, but napping with one of us in our bed is often worth unwritten peace treaties.

As I laid there, I realized today's date and the significance for our household. I had to double check a calender to be sure, but I was right. Five years ago today I became a crazy cat lady...well, sort of. (I still say that if my husband is just as big of a sucker about keeping the cats as me AND I'm married then I can't really be a crazy cat lady, but whatever...you decide for yourself)

So the story goes like this. Geoff and I had just bought our house in WI and he was living here and I was still living in our townhouse in the cities. I had the dogs living with me and he had our two snotty Siamese cats living with him. We were a couple weeks from me moving and just under a month from getting married. I have no idea why it seemed like a good idea (it probably really didn't even at the time), but I answered a Craigslist ad asking for someone to foster a pregnant cat. I told Geoff about it and he agreed.

I picked up the cat and brought her home. I set up her up with her own quiet room. I took her to the vet the next day and was told to expect 5 kittens any day.

Geoff drove to the cities for the holiday weekend. We ran errands and shopped. I have no idea what we went to Home Depot for on the evening of Sunday September 2, 2007, but I know that when we came home I walked into my first doula job.

Emma had already had two kittens. A big white one with grey tabby spots and another black one that was still wet from the amniotic sac. She was in the process of having kitten number 3. All we could see of the newest addition was an obvious white streak down the middle of a dark colored back. The kitten resembled a skunk. We had no idea that the kitten in question was a boy and we never meant for the name Flower to actually stick, but it did.

We also never meant for Emma and her 5 kittens to stay with us permanently, but they did.

Happy 5th Birthday Kitties!


(I'll post pics/video at some later date...)

Frogs

Today was not like the rest of the week. It was basically miserable for all of us. I have been uncomfortable all day and nothing seems to make it better. I rode along as Geoff ran a few errands this morning, but all I wanted to was to get back home. Once we were back home, I felt cooped up. Eventually I did take a Zofran for nausea, but I can't honestly say it helped anything. I was crabby and whiny and offered on multiple occasions to lock myself in a room by myself.

At one point I was in the living room by myself when E came running in yelling "mommy I found you!" I giggled and tried to pretend that he had indeed found me. Then we started a conversation about the big green frog on his t-shirt. I asked him what frogs eat. In reality, I was curious what he would say. We talked about frogs eating bugs the other day, but I wasn't sure if he believed me when I had told him.

He giggled and told me "frogs eat pizza."

I laughed because I knew he was intentionally being silly and replied, "nooooo, not pizza. What DO they eat?"

He paused for a second and replied "pot pies (his favorite food)!" and then started laughing like he had told the funniest joke in the world. Then he told me "no, they eat hot dogs!"

We always suspected that we might have a little comedian on our hands, but I was surprised by his ability to purposefully make up a joke already. He was very proud of himself for making me laugh and told me so multiple times.

It sucks to be sick and have such little kids. It sucks to feel like you can't be the parent you want to be or that you are dumping on your other half...but these crappy days also slow everything down. I get to lay on the couch and really just enjoy my kids.

For the record, he did know that frogs eat bugs; however, I'm guessing if you were to ask him he would probably tell you "frogs eat peanut butter and jelly and bug sandwiches" or "sausage" or "ice cream" or his favorite trick answer for unsuspecting adults "lily pads."