Our weekend in pictures

Ella playing piano at the Children's Museum while the rest of us worked on hats for the "Capitol Kids Easter Bonnet Parade"

Ella, Ephraim and Uncle Graeme (Geoff's brother)

Geoff with his (and Ella's) creation

Aunt Christie modeling her (and Ephraim's) creation...possibly inspired by the children's book "I Want My Hat Back"

The kids with the Easter Bunny

Baby goat and lamb! Love! Love! Love!

An adorable friend of ours

Another adorable friend of ours

Uncle Graeme, E, Geoff, Aunt Christie

baby chicks

Ella napping during the parade

A little while later...back at the Children's Museum

E looking at baby chicks (with a band-aid on his chin)

...and a snake

Me holding the snake

The two of us holding a mouse

Easter morning...

...after 5 clues and many eggs...the kids found what the Easter Bunny left for them

At church E sang up in front

Later...we needed a snuggle

and I needed a nap

Ella in her Easter dress

Funeral home

Geoff took his lunch break today to go with E and I to the cancer center for a lab draw (Ella was at daycare). As I was driving I noticed a funeral home and said "I never really noticed before how many of those are around...they are everywhere...and they really bother me."
Geoff agreed that it has to be unsettling and then to break the heaviness of the mood I pointed to a George Washington memorialesque type grave marker in the attached cemetery and said "you know I expect nothing less than that someday."
Geoff laughed.
I continued on..."actually it needs to be a lot bigger and it should have jewels encrusted in it."
"Rhinestones?"
"Of course not! Precious stones only."
Then we turned the corner and drove past a cemetery marker store and I saw a headstone with a bunch of running horses and I started laughing even harder.
"Those, I want those too...and you may as well throw some quote about me being a wonderful wife and mother."
Then we both laughed some more.

We try to take ourselves too seriously.

Free flow

Most of the time when I write a blog post I have an idea ahead of time of what I want to write about. These past few days I haven't been able to focus on any single thought or coherent series of thoughts. Two nights ago this was ok because I fell asleep before the kids and Geoff wrote my blog post for me. Last night I was really tired and just couldn't think of what I wanted to write about so I convinced Geoff to watch another episode of Downton Abbey (he wanted to watch too but we should have been sleeping) and we vegged out instead.

I was half looking forward to today and half dreading it. I was excited because it was the first time in what seems like a long time that I had just E home with me. Don't get me wrong, I missed Ella too, but E has always been that kid that can entertain himself for long periods of time and takes gloriously long naps. Ella is more into trying little bits of everything and power naps. Add her new passion for climbing and throwing things when she doesn't get her way and well, I was excited for an easy day.

I made the mistake of telling E last night and he was really excited too. So excited he stayed up well past his bedtime singing and talking to himself and his stuffed menagerie about all the fun we were going to have today. I promised to play trains and do crafts and anything else he wanted to do.

The only catch was I needed to preserve energy so I could handle both kids by myself in the evening while Geoff was teaching. Normally this would seem like not too big of a deal but the kids can be a bit of a wild card these days, as can my energy level.

As it turns out, today was pretty much perfect. E and I did play trains. We did crafts yesterday with Ella and he decided he wanted to play instead today. He played with me and without me and I took the opportunity to hang up some pictures in our bedroom while he was playing. Then he and I hung up a little shelf for some of his trains in his room before nap time. He ate everything I made him for lunch and was essentially the perfect child. Then he napped.

I thought he would be up by 4, but he wasn't so he missed our special visitors of the day. We had dinner brought to us by someone I took doula training with a few years back. She brought her two adorable children with her and I fell madly in love with her babe that I have been Facebook stalking the past few months. Seriously, I am just drawn to this little guy, and her daughter is everything I want Ella to grow up to be.

It was a wonderful visit. We talked and both cried. The birth world is a small world. Much smaller than I ever realized when I took my doula training course in 2011. At the time I had just had a devastating miscarriage that made me realize that it was my calling to "be with women." It's funny because midwifery was the original reason I went to nursing school, but then I fell in love with cardiac nursing. When I had my miscarriage everything changed and by the time I was pregnant with Ella a month later I had taken doula training and enrolled in a statistics class so I could apply to midwifery school in a few months.

The doula training was a weekend workshop here in Madison. I hoped to make some friends but I never could have guessed the impact some of these other women would have on my future life. What really gets me is that I haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with my friend from today but I am just drawn to her. I could say so much more on this but I fear I'm sounding too much like a stalker.

Regardless one of the sweetest things she did was bring some toys that her children were gifted by someone else and had outgrown. E was very excited when he woke up from his nap and found new toys...Ella hasn't even gotten to play with them.

Geoff brought Ella home from daycare before heading off to teach. I immediately packed her and E back up and we headed out to the stable. Our lovely dinner that was delivered tonight is to be our dinner tomorrow night because it was decided earlier today that if I brought the kids out to the barn with me, a couple of my friends would meet me there, we would order a pizza, and then groom Aggie.

This turned out to a really fun way to spend the evening. E and Ella helped shut the chickens in for the night. E and I practiced walking one of the little ponies. Then the kids played in the barn aisle...E rode his bike and Ella played ball. We had dinner upstairs in the "party loft" and then the kids brushed the tractor (their idea not mine) while the rest of us furminated/deshedded/groomed Aggie. In the end I left with two very tired and dirty kids and a very clean and gorgeous horse. We headed home straight to the bathtub and then to bed.

The big, beautiful, full moon was the icing on the cake...well, that and the deer and raccoon I saw from a safe distance while driving home. Now Geoff is home and its time for us to snuggle into bed too.

Sleeping Beauty

Hi, this is Geoff. I am writing tonight because Gin is fast asleep. So, what happened today? Well, Gin had a CPR class this morning, and of course, getting out of the house didn't go quite as smoothly as planned, so she showed up a little late. UW was less than understanding of her current situation (and our saboteur children) and told her she needed to reschedule. Bummer for Gin, but this did mean that she had some extra time this morning, so she stopped by and saw me at work. This was a joy, and we both took the opportunity to thank my supervisor for her tremendous understanding through this process.

Gin then returned home, spend a little time with her mother (who was kindly watching E&E while Gin was supposed to be at class) and then tried to get them down for naps. There was a particular sense of urgency since she was feeling quite tired by this stage. Again, our lovely saboteurs made sure not to sleep at the same time, so we actually had a babysitter come over so Gin could try and nap. A friend of ours then came over with dinner. I got home sometime around here, and we had a nice evening together. Gin did a bath for the kids and then asked if she could lie down while I put them to bed. Next thing I know, she is out cold. This is great, because she really needs to keep on top of sleep (we both do), so she can keep her energy up. So far, we really feel blessed by how good she has felt. We attribute a lot of it to the positive vibes/prayers from friends and family, so thanks for that. On that note, I think I will follow suit. Goodnight!

Sunshine

I didn't write a blog post last night because I didn't know what to say. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say...It was more that I had too much to say.

For the most part staying positive has come easily to me. There are times where it is a struggle and I have to constantly redirect my thoughts, but overall, it just feels right.

The funny part is, I don't think I give enough credit to Geoff for his part in all of this. With him being gone for a mere 48 hours I realized I don't have my constant reassurance. He called me yesterday to tell me he was walking on the beach in San Diego and let me listen to the sound of the ocean over the phone. I was so jealous. If my eyes weren't already green, they would have been. Ooooh, I could hear it alright, and I could smell it, and I could feel the sand between my toes...I could feel the sun and hear the people...and it hurt. Even now it makes me cry.

I'm glad he was there and he was getting to enjoy it, but I fear I lost it a little and wrecked some of the joy he was getting his experience. This makes me feel miserable and selfish...It just was so hard for me though. I love the ocean and the mountains and I feel like every once in awhile I need to visit either or both of these to regroup. I know Geoff feels the same way. We've had this conversation so many times...

Then he sent me a couple of pics. All I could think of was our last big vacation to Australia to visit Geoff's grandparents. I was pregnant with Ella and E was almost exactly Ella's age now. We spent most of that vacation on the beach and it was glorious. I kept wondering will I ever get back there? Will I get to walk on any beach with my family again? Will I be too much of a burden or too sick to travel? Will I ever get to make sand castles with my kids? Will I get to see them try swimming in the ocean or surfing for the first time? Am I being selfish because I want it all and I've already had so much? Will Geoff ever be able to enjoy a beach again if something does happen to me or will it be as painful for him as it is for me right now?

It was like every dark thought that I have been trying to suppress hit me at once. I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to work through it because the one person that knows all my deep, dark fears and always has the words to make it better, was busy. At first I didn't want to bug him, then I decided I should try and talk to him, but it didn't matter his cell phone wasn't charged and we couldn't talk.

Eventually I caved and called Geoff's parents cell phone and got in touch with him that way. We made plans to talk when he got back to his hotel. In the end though, we didn't have long to talk. He needed to get ready for his brother's wedding and I had two monkeys waking up from naps. Regardless it helped. He made it all better and I am more determined than ever to get better myself. I have too many places to see and things to do. I want to help others get to these places (whereever they may be) too. There is simply no other way.

In the end, it sounds like Geoff had a wonderful time at the wedding and we had a great night here at home. One of my old co-workers from UW Hospital came to visit with her daughter. We ate pizza and chatted. E and Ella basked in the glory of all the attention from them and grandma and radiated smiles. How can you go wrong with that? The way I see it, I got my own little priceless piece of sunshine.

The (temporary) new me

Mindfulness has not been my greatest strength today.

I woke up this morning knowing it is the day that I scheduled my hair donation, Geoff is leaving for a weekend in CA, and a few other things I just didn't want to do or deal with.

The hair thing was a difficult line because Geoff and I agreed that we wanted to do it with our little family. We wanted the kids to be a part of it, mostly for them, partly for us. It just seemed like it might be easier for everyone.

Furthermore, my hair started to come out on it's own this morning. I left it alone, but eventually I couldn't resist one last soak in the tub with my hair swirled all around me. Then Geoff came home from working a half day, picked all of us up and we were off.

I put a sneak peak of these pics on Facebook, but not the final version so here goes...A special thanks to Jackie Litscher from New Concepts Salon.

Jackie did an amazing job as always...and is taking care of the actual donation to Locks of Love...Meanwhile, back at the ranch...I was greeted warmly...

and there you have it...the new me (for the time being anyway)...

The Switch

Today's chemo went off without a hitch. Due to the craziness of schedule changes we ended up taking Miss Ella with us, but even that was fine. We brought "colors" (special markers that only color on special paper, and crayons), a few little toys, and some snacks and she was a happy camper. She even fell asleep in her stroller about halfway through.

On our way home we stopped to pick up the ornaments Geoff and I made in our glass blowing class last weekend. They aren't perfect, but we are pleased with them. Some look like colorful little pickles, but honestly I think we both kind of liked these best. We also made one other quick stop to exchange a dog leash for our yard that we bought last week and had already broke. Then Geoff dropped Ella and I off at home and headed for work.

I figured since Ella had already taken a nap, that I probably wasn't going to get another one from her, yet I was cautiously optimistic that maybe her last few nights of poor sleep from the double ear infection would cause her to need a "catch up" day. Ya, I was wrong. She felt more compelled to climb and get into everything. Suddenly I realized the switch has turned. It's not bad, but I'm tired. I'm starting to feel like maybe I had a little chemo this week. I remember this gradual sneak through of no energy and maybe, just maybe a titch of nausea.

In the end I decided to bring a snack cup, a sippy cup of juice, some books and other toys and put Ella in her crib. I turned on some music for her (Ella loves to rock out...no joke) and I took the opportunity to take a little cat nap (with a cat of course)...Thanks for the suggestion, mom. I needed it and I have to go pick up E in a few minutes from preschool, but now I can be a happy, good mom again instead of an overtired and frustrated one.

Meanwhile Ella seems to have had a good time messing with the arsenal of toys that tend to be reserved for her crib. So it was truelly a win-win. I'm a little sad to say good-bye to my wonderful energy levels, but it was inevitable and I also know that it is only temporary. Besides, once I get E home and Geoff comes home I can take some more nausea medication and I wouldn't be surprised if that makes the difference for the rest of today.

The greatest part of my day though was that Oompa toys, an online toy retailer that used to have a  store based in Madison honored a my request for a discount on a doll house I fell in love with a few days ago.

http://www.oompa.com/item/JHP-DH-ALL-SEAS-FURN-E3401/Hape-All-Season-Dollhouse-Furnished/1.html

It wasn't something that really fits into our budget (or lack there of, really) right now, but everytime I volunteer at E's preschool he loves playing with the doll houses there with the other kids and Ella always gravitates towards them too. Furthermore, we are getting the area in our living room that had flood damage this past year finally finished and the colors matched the play area perfectly.

I decided to suck it up and explain our situation. The unfurnished version of the dollhouse was on sale, so I asked if they would consider if they giving us a deal on the furnished version instead because otherwise we couldn't afford to buy anything to put in it. They were very kind and honored it as a rare, special circumstance request. It makes me feel special to know that my kids are getting a much deserved surprise. All of this has been hard on them. E asks me everyday if I am going to the doctor and talks about it all the time at preschool. I know they will love it and I love Oompa for making this special request possible.