C is not for cookie...
C is also for cervix and cancer.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Mother's Day
So, as you may have heard, this weekend is Mother's Day. I am traditionally a fairly cynical person about Hallmark (tm) holidays (quick aside, so was the actual founder of Mother's Day), but during the past couple of years, Gin and I adopted a philosophy to take advantage of any opportunity to celebrate, so these holidays do mean something to me (except Sweetest Day, I always thought that one was dumb and never liked it at all). Mother's Day in particular was always a bit of a sore subject, because Gin was always a little bitter (jokingly) that Ephraim was born after Mother's Day, but before Father's Day, so the great fairness meter of life was always a little on my side, because I had more Father's Days than she had Mother's Days. It was one of those jokes just between us. This week, I was reminded that the great fairness meter of life has been a little crappy lately, and thinking about how I'll have more Father's Days than she will have Mother's Days takes something that used to be a fun and now just makes it really depressing.
These holidays are kind of a tricky beast. Remember, Valentine's Day this year was less than a week after she passed away. Not a great day, but all in all, it really didn't bother me. There have been random pieces of junk mail that have been more painful than Valentine's Day. In retrospect, I do think some of that can get chalked up to just being too raw at the time to really take it in.
Anyway, Mother's Day and the buildup have definitely been a little different than Valentine's Day was. I think the biggest reason is the kids. Mother's Day is largely about their relationship with their mom, which lends itself to the question, "So how are the kids are doing?" Easiest answer is that they are doing very well. We talk about Mom frequently, we sometimes get sad (which we acknowledge is OK), but mainly, it is happy stuff. We love watching stuff like the Roar video and looking at pictures of the kids playing with Mom. Which leads to the main point...
There are several people who have asked about how we are handling Mother's Day, and the simple answer is not all that different than last year. The kids still have a Mom, and we are going to celebrate how awesome she is. That never changes. Just to be perfectly clear, I really do appreciate the people who have asked about how we are handling things this year. I appreciate the sensitivity on the subject. It is tricky. I have heard stories of kids getting ostracized at school because they "don't have a mom." Call me ignorant or naive, but this is not something I worry about. A lot of this stems from the fact that we have been lucky, and we are surrounded by a wonderfully supported community.
So we are celebrating. The kids have a mom, and always will. Just because she passed away doesn't mean they were magically conceived out of thin air. One of the most important things to me is that they know their mom. Gin and I talked about the fact that the kids are so young they might not have clear memories of her as they get older. These are the kind of conversations Gin and I would have, and are just as gut-wrenching to think about now as they were to actually have at the time. I want to do what I can to help them remember her. This is everything from how she looked, to her interests, and most importantly, her values.. It is a tricky line to walk, since I don't want them living in the past, nor do I want to keep dredging up painful or sad memories. This is all why I treat these holidays as positively as I can, even as a cynic, and despite the dubiously loaded meaning of the holidays themselves. Ultimately, as corny as it may sound, it is a chance to remind each other that even though she is not here, she is still here. So we are celebrating.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Best Party of Your Life
A very special friend of ours talked for awhile about trying to throw us a benefit party. It was a way to draw a close to the season of benefits. We had several other friends who also threw benefits. All of them were wonderful and deeply appreciated. However, this last one will always have extra significance.
What was maybe the most amazing about the last fundraiser is how little we knew about it. Our friend had talked with us and asked us some questions and even occasionally ran some ideas by us, but we didn't give it much thought. Don't get me wrong, its not that we were ungrateful, we just had a lot going on. I think we thought we would get more involved as it became more of a reality.
About the "lot going on" part of that last paragraph, we have to go back a little further. We had many people from our families come and stay with us over the holidays, and overall had a wonderful time. Nonetheless, it was still a lot of house guests, which can be a little draining. Everyone was in a great mood, which certainly made it better. While they were staying with us, Gin was even able to convince her family to dance with us for the music video, which we were not expecting.
What music video you may ask? Well, Gin was inspired to make a music video by another cancer survivor, Megan Kowalewski, who made a music video documenting her cancer treatment to the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson. Stronger actually became an anthem of sorts around this house entirely beceause of that video. After awhile, Gin decided to create her own. Then, it because kind of an obsession. She enlisted the help of our personal guru, our amazing NP from the Carbone Cancer Center. We ran the idea by her, she loved it, and really helped us recruit people to be in the video, scouted locations, and did much of the choreography (or elicited advice from people) herself. At appointments, the NP and Gin would talk about the music video significantly longer than they would about anything else, including how Ginny's health was doing and treatment plans. I don't blame them. It was fun and an nice distraction. Eventually, we set a date to actually do it, and decided to use Katy Perry, "Roar." As you can expect, this also became one of our cancer healing anthems.
We shot a lot of the stuff in the chemo unit at the hospital late in December, and the family dancing scenes over the holidays. Gin's family really was fantastic about being involved. Once we had all the footage, along with some photos we had (most notably some taken during out Relay for Life experience earlier in the year), we again enlisted the help of our amazing NP, who in turn enlisted the help of one of her friends, to edit the thing. To cut ahead, it was finished the day Gin was admitted the palliative care in the hospital. I am so glad she was able to see it. I am very proud of it, and I think it came out fantastic. So, without further ado...
So besides music videos and entertaining for the holidays, what else do you do with your time? Oh that's right, you catch babies, go to treatment, deal with sick kids (and sick you). It was a crazy month. Which meant that we got really excited when we realized the fundraiser party was on. They, we heard some of the plans, and it started to sound amazing. We really realized that it was going to be a bigger deal than we were expecting when we started go see signs popping up around businesses in Madison. It was very exciting.
As the day drew near, Gin was feeling a little run down. It got really interesting the Thursday before the party. She was called for a birth Thursday night/early Friday morning, I honestly don't remember which. The baby was born early Friday morning, she came home, and then had to turn around shortly for chemo treatment on Friday with virtually no sleep. Thankfully her mother was there to help get her to and from the hospital. By the time I got home from work, she looked exhausted. We knew we had this party the next day that we really wanted to go to, but we weren't sure if we were going make it. Even the morning of the party, we still weren't sure. Ultimately, we decided we could go to the party for a couple of hours, and then do home early, preserving nap time and our sanity.
Long story short, We went to the party, and never left until it was closed. It was too good to leave. There was music and dancing, and magic, and food and a silent auction, and most importantly, lots of wonderful friends. It was at the High Noon Saloon, so there was always so much going on. There were kids throwing paper airplanes from the balcony, music going on at the main stage, henna tattoos, and lots more that I know I am forgetting. It was probably the most amazing party of our lives.
And that is what Gin and I spent a good chunk of the night talking about - just how amazing it was. It is unfortunately rare that we get together with friends anymore. Marriage and especially kids seem to have that effect on many couples, so I don't think we were unusual in the fact that we just didn't get out as much as we used to. With that in mind, here was a massive outing, with loads of our friends, all in one place, with fantastic entertainment and food. Again, there was the big stuff like the music and dancers, but there were little things that were fantastic as well. Maybe the best example was sitting in the balcony, watching Ella sneakily climb up on a stool at the bar so she could grab a sucker, and then climb back down. I don't even want to think how much sugar both the kids ate that day. Actually, I don't really care. They had a great time as well.
Gin and I both told each other during the party that everyone should have a party of that magnitude for each person at least one time during their life. We (and especially Gin) felt so loved and supported. Gin said several times during the past year that she never wanted to have a funeral/memorial/burial if she were to die (she also said she understands that stuff like that is more for the living than the deceased, so go ahead and have one if that's what we wanted to do, so I don't feel remotely guilty about actually having one). She also said at the party that the party was in many ways her perfect memorial. There were lots of friends, the kids were there, and we had a fantastic time, but unlike a normal memorial, she got to be there as well, and that is what made it the best type of memorial. Don't get me wrong, we didn't think it was depressing like a memorial or anything (I feel like I'm making it worse).
A better way to describe it is that the party was a celebration of life. Gin was very much alive that day, so it could be a pure celebration. I really do hope everyone gets to experience something like that.in their lives, because we left that party feeling so special. We both said the fundraising objective of the party was completely irrelevant, we loved the friends, family, and support that we received. In retrospect, what made it even more meaningful is the fact that it turned out to be Gin's last healthy day. On our way home, she admitted that between the birth, chemo, and the party, she had overdone it. We planned on her going to be as soon as we got home, but on the way home she seemed to keep getting quesier. Shortly after we got home, Gin started throwing up. It was fast enough we initially thought it was food poisoning, but it later proved to be the point where her health really turned for the worse.
Still, I can't help but feel amazed by it all. How many people get to have something like that party thrown in their honor? How many people get to enjoy their last healthy day on this Earth with an epic party? Seriously, that's just bonkers. More than anything, I feel so blessed to be a part of it all.
I'll warn you, the next few posts are going to be a little rough, but I want to share some about how she was doing and how she was feeling at the end. As always, thanks for your support. Much love!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Update
Unfortunately, this is Geoff. I know you want to hear from Gin, and I know a lot of you are curious how Gin is doing. Long story short is not well. She has been steadily and quickly declining all week. Chances are she only has a couple of days left. Of course we're still hoping for a last minute miraculous turnaround, but it doesn't look very likely. Yesterday, I found myself hoping more, for the first time, for an easy passage. We have always been so optimistic, even when the odds were very much against us, that this shift felt like a betrayal. She declined more over the night, and this morning her breathing is noticeably more labored and her heart rate was up. Today it doesn't feel like a betrayal. She is anxious and uncomfortable, and there's not much any of us can do for her here.
I still read her your messages and she likes that, as well as the visits.I take joy that the kids were able to come visit Wednesday night, which turned out to be her last really lucid night. I take joy in the fact she earned her degree yesterday and finished school. This is something she wanted so badly and was so excited to find out. There's so much more I want to write, and there will be time for that, but right now I want to be with her, so I am going to wait on some of the other posts for later. Thank you for all your messages and prayers, they mean the world to us. Please understand if I don't respond, it doesn't mean your message wasn't read or loved, I just don't have time. The guy who never used Facebook is trying to keep up. You are all wonderful, and this celebration and outpouring for Gin kind of overwhelming. Much love from both of us to all of you.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Kevin
Oxycodone
3:20
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Week in Review
I can sneak a couple photos from our Christmas photo session with our beloved Beth Skogen. We just got our Holiday cards this week (completely our fault) and haven't even sent them out yet, but the photos were sort made public by a wonderful fundraising event that a friend is throwing for us in a few weeks.
Holiday photos, cards, and a fundraiser have really been the most exciting news of our week...well, with the exception of today. Today was the first day in weeks that I have felt good. I actually got out of bed, showered, and was ready to go without feeling miserable. The kids were a little wild-too much cabin fever, and we had already rented Despicable Me 2 last night to watch today. With that in mind, I suggested we take them to the Children's Museum and let them run/climb/create for a few hours. Geoff asked if I was sure I was up to it. I assured him I was and off we went.
We made a quick Target run on the way, then spent a few hours at the Children's Museum. We had lunch while we were there and then headed home. Ella fell asleep in the car on the way home, but remarkably stayed asleep as Geoff carried her in. E took a nice nap too once we got home. Geoff and I got a few things done while they were napping and then watched some Netflix. Once everyone was up we made a dinner from Pinterest and watched our movie. It may sound like a relatively boring day, but to us it was a day to celebrate. I have felt miserable for weeks and have barely been out of bed.
Sure, I've run a few errands, but I have been getting exhausted so easily it's ridiculous. I can't tell you how many times in these past few weeks we have talked about how worried we both are. Up until Wednesday, maybe Thursday, I was still having low grade fevers. I have swollen lymph nodes in my neck...one that is so big you could actually see it for a few days.
I've talked with my NP about all the possible causes...we talked about sinus infections since I've had a few these past few months. We've talked about a respiratory infection. Worst of all, we've talked about cancer spreading crazy fast. Regardless, I really think I just had some miserable viral bug combined with chemo side effects.
I had chemo yesterday, so it was really unexpected to me that today was the best day I've had in weeks, but I'll take it. I feel like my old self and I'm looking forward to getting some stuff done tomorrow...a little school work and a little house work.
In other news, I gave notice at my job this week. We decided that with as miserable as I have been feeling and the support of social security this would be best for me. It takes a lot of pressure off of me and frankly, it will help with school too since I'm currently on-call 24/7 and now I won't have to fret about what to do if I get a call while I'm at work. Once again, I feel like a bit of a bum for relying on social security disability, but the stress reduction from knowing I don't have to worry about trying to go to work when I feel miserable made it all worthwhile.
In brighter news, let's talk about this fundraising benefit that a friend of ours is throwing for us. She had talked to us about it a couple of times, but I was never sure how serious she was. Then suddenly she asked for photos for a flyer and next thing I knew she posted the flyer to my Facebook page. I am excited. Really excited actually. It's kind of a surprise party that I know about, but I don't. I've seen the flyer and I've seen a few other things that she has mentioned to Geoff or other people about the event, but really I have no idea how it is all going to go. I'm worried that no one will show up, but I've had a few people that have assured me they are coming (including my mom). Really though, how exciting!
Geoff and I occasionally find ourselves talking about dismal things like funerals or memorial services and while we've never actually made a significant decision, I see this as the solution. Funerals and memorials are for the survivors. If I were to die, they are for the people left behind. It isn't for me. This party is actually for me. Now, please don't think I'm thinking I'm going to die. I'm not. At least I really hope I'm not, but this is my chance to see everyone that matters and have fun and give/get hugs.
Don't get me wrong, I plan to have another HUGE party when I reach my 5 year survival rate, but that one I'll do the work for and this one, I just get to enjoy.
I've heard other cancer patients talk about how fun and special their benefit parties were to them. Secretly I was always jealous...not because of the benefit part, because I feel like I've been pretty lucky where benefits have been concerned. A cancer cell sale, a ready to rumble round two sale, a yoga fundraiser, a zumba fundraiser, a dessert fundraiser, a weekend away fundraiser...I really have been blessed. And that's not even beginning to mention all the people that have sent us gift cards, checks, cash, gifts, and love without any affiliation to a fundraiser.
I'm so behind on thank you notes, that I will probably still be writing them when I have my 5 year survival party...but trust me, I'm trying...The beauty of this fundraiser to me is that it is a party. For me...I get to say thank you for coming and hug people and just enjoy the day. I feel like a princess. Other than worrying that no one will come, my only other fears are that I'll get sick or be too tired, but the reality is that regardless of any of it, a friend went to all this work for me...for me...I feel so lucky!
Cancer really is a gift sometimes. Sure I'm coming up on that year benchmark and I worry about what if they were really right? What if I don't get to see my kiddos go to grade school, middle school, high school, or college? What if I never get to take that trip to Paris with my mom that we've always dreamed about? Or all the other trips I want to take with Geoff and the kids? The list of what ifs are endless, but so is the list of how lucky I have been...I have so many people that care about me and my family. I have been so blessed with the people in my life and they never cease to amaze me.